Thank you for all your responses!
I am scared and did not even realize that this situation is that bad to have to potentially call the domestic abuse hotline
I guess when you are in it yourself, you can't see all that clearly. This whole thing is weighing so much on me. And I just started a demanding and challenging job a few weeks ago. I am thrilled to be at this new job and it is going to be wonderful for my professional career progression, but it also takes a lot of my energy. Another thing is that I hoped to move back to my home state to be closer to my family and friends, but I will have to stay at this new job for at least a year or two before I can move on. I feel lonely where I currently live, on the opposite coast and thousands of miles away from most of my family and friends. I was hoping to wait to be able to move back home before I decided whether to divorce him, but the situation got so bad (the abuse, his suicide threats, etc) that I had to call his parents and tell them what was happening.
A part of me wants to tell him myself that I told his parents. I think a part of him might know that I have told them or would imminently tell them, based on some of his comments this week. I feel like he is going to feel so betrayed when he finds out I told them, and it may lessen the blow if I am the one to tell him instead of finding out when his parents show up at our door on Friday. But it may also lessen the impact of the intervention. I would also be afraid of him hurting me in that moment.
His parents still want to come and intervene on Friday. At this point, there is no asking them not to do that, even if I wanted to. They are determined. His mom is coming alone (she wants to do it the "kind" way and his dad has a tendency to blow a gasket over things) and is bringing an AA professional and asked that I not be there during the intervention. She also told me that we may have to live apart for a while if he does outpatient rehab and asked if I could move out for a month or two (I am not sure where I would go for that short a time; I do stay with my aunt sometimes, but their house is so full that I often sleep in a second bed in her bedroom and I hate encroaching on her personal space like that). Even though I feel cut out of the process, I am still glad I told his parents. They had to know and I don't regret that. I also couldn't deal with the heartbreaking cycle alone. It is up to them to figure out the details and see how professional or structured the intervention will be. It doesn't seem like I have much input anymore. I probably opened up Pandora's box. He will probably trash me to his parents and accuse me of things and begging them to help them divorce me.
I am afraid he will tarnish my reputation to his family out of spite, even though I know that should be the least of my concerns right now. That still worries me. I care what they think of me. And I still want to work on this marriage in a healthy way.
My plan is to pack up all my valuables today (Wednesday) and take them over to my aunt's place on Thursday and to go to work on Friday and straight to my aunt's place from there. I guess I will then wait to hear from my mother-in-law to see how it went or hear from him (I am pretty certain he will be livid).
He was very nice to me last night and apologized and said he wants to be better. My heart broke knowing that in just a few short days, he will know I told his parents. In some ways, he is not a good partner. He is verbally abusive, out of control when drunk and angry, and not entirely supportive (he gets upset at me for being stressed about stressful situations, while expecting me to listen to him vent and be supportive when he is stressing out). He also does have good qualities - generous, loyal (I doubt he would ever cheat, but some people would say he is 'cheating' on me with alcohol), funny, has similar views on morality and politics (though he often hates talking about serious issues), etc. I am still very much in love with him, even if he constantly yells at me and tells me he hates me and wants to leave me. Maybe I am codependent
I have a low self-esteen (even though I carry myself well and act confident externally) and grew up in a somewhat unhealthy environment, so it is hard to know how to stand up for myself, especially in romantic relationships. I have only been with two people, an ex boyfriend for 3 years and my husband for 4 years. My ex cheated on me and constantly made me feel lower than him. My husband was relatively good to me until he became verbally abusive and heavily drank.
I know I didn't cause this, but I sometimes wonder if the stress of our relationship and marriage led him to drinking. But then again, no one is forced to drink. Even if our marriage caused him to drink, he chose to drink instead of deal with the issues in a healthy way. He chose to break his vows. He chose to abuse me. He is also pre-disposed to being an alcoholic. He has a strong family history of it and he heavily drank socially while in college and into his mid-20s. He has always had a lot to drink. I just have never dealt with alcoholism in my family or among my close friends, so I had no idea I had to be aware of the signs.
A part of me wants to move on and knows I could be happier with someone else who is more patient, kind, takes an interest in my interests, is more supportive, and who would never abuse me in any way and who is not alcoholic. That part knows this is not healthy. But I am also afraid to be alone. I am afraid of the judgments from people who were at my wedding or saw me post all the lovey dovey photos on facebook. I am afraid I will never find someone else and will miss him forever. I also am afraid to leave too soon without trying harder to help him. I know logically I can find someone else (I'm told I am beautiful, intelligent, educated, etc) and I know that the pain of heartbreak goes away (I don't even think about my ex bf anymore and he is ancient history), but this is still heartbreaking.
Also, how does one get a marriage of 10 months annulled? I read up a bit about it, but it looks like I would have to show he was too drunk / incapacitated to enter into the marriage. He was not drunk on our wedding day (even though I didn't know he was an actual alcoholic at the time, I knew he had a tendency to drink at social occasions and specifically asked him not to drink more than 2 drinks that day). Are there are other grounds for annulment?