ScaredWife29

Hi everyone, this is my first post on this site and I am in desperate need of advice and support. My husband of almost a year (we have been together for 4 years) is an alcoholic. We are both in our late 20s. I am planning an intervention soon and I need advice. Please read the background and intervention plan below:

Background:

My husband and I have been married for less than a year (about 10 months) and he is an alcoholic. We were together for over 3 years before we got married and were engaged for 15 months. We also lived together for over a year before we got married. I didn't fully know he was an alcolic until October 2016 (5 months ago), when we had already been married for almost half a year. However, last February 2016 (about 2-3 months before our wedding), my husband started acting erratically when I came home after he was alone for more than a few hours. He would stumble, slur his words, get really irritable, and eventually started getting very verbally abusive. He would call me a monster, ugly, stupid, the most terrible person ever, unworthy of love, etc. He also started acting psychotic unexpectedly. He would accuse me of the craziest things, like conspiring with the neighbors to spy on him or having horrible motives against him. He even once punched a hole in our door during one of his fits. I asked if he was drinking and he vehemently denied it. At that point, our wedding was only a few months away and everything had been planned and paid for and the invites were all out. I chalked it up to wedding planning stress and decided to get married to him anyway. We had been living together for a year at that point and had been together for a few years and I thought I knew him well.

After the wedding, the verbal abuse continued (even once during the honeymoon). When we got back from the honeymoon, he would once again act erratic and psychotic after he was alone for a few hours. He continued to vehemently deny that he had been drinking. I was so confused and had no idea what was happening. We started couples counseling in June 2016 and it was not helpful. He started seeing a psychiatrist but only went to one or two sessions before stopping. It got really bad and this kept happening every week for the next several months.

Then, one night in early October 2016, he told me had something to tell me. He told me that he HAD been drinking all those months and had been hiding it. He said he was very sorry and he never wanted to drink again. He said this because he was having a really bad withdrawal (he had drunk heavily the day before but did not drink that day and his body was withdrawing from it; he was shaking and his hands were clammy) and he was worried he would die. I stayed up all night to make sure he didn't have to go to the ER. He has a history of alcoholism in his family (aunts, cousins, and maybe even his mom, who has not touched a drop of alcohol in 2 decades). He also used to drink an inordinate amount of alcohol in his college days and early to mid-20's, but all socially, so I guess it was more acceptable. Now, he always drinks alone. When he finally admitted to me and stopped lying, it felt like a great weight had been lifted from my shoulder because I finally knew what was going on. Little did I know that my troubles were only beginning.

We talked about it in couples counseling the next week and he admitted he was an alcoholic and he started an outpatient rehab program for about 2 months, several nights a week (until January 2017). He didn't end up finishing his rehab program (he quit the last week of it) because he was convinced that the other alcoholics were much worse than him (he has a successful job and hasn't gotten a DUI) and he didn't need rehab or AA and he would just stop drinking and could do it on his own. The very next week, he started drinking again and heavily playing video games (he also has a video game addiction, but that is another matter). 2 weeks later, after a weekend where he drank a whole bottle of vodka (17 shot equivalents) over 2 days, he once again had a bad withdrawal and he promised himself and I that he would not drink. He didn't have much of an action plan except he planned to call and tell his parents about his alcoholism so he would have more people to keep him accountable and he would start going to AA. He never called his parents and he went to one AA meeting before starting to drink again. At first he rationalized it as only drinking beer and only having 2 beers at a time. Within a few weeks, he was back to drinking 6+ beers in a night and also drinking hard liquor again.

The situation has gotten untenable. If he is home alone for any stretch of time, he will drink and I will come home to him being very verbally abusive. He also often picks a fight and leaves to get a hotel room (he never tells me where he is going) just so he can drink some more. He has done this countless times (at least 15 times in the past 6 months alone). Even if I am super nice and get him dinner and am nothing but sweet, he will start emotionally abusing me and will go get a hotel for the night when he is drunk (just so he can drink more). It has gotten to the point that I can no longer make plans and go out with friends because I am too afraid to leave him alone because he will drink. It is inevitable. My life is being destroyed. I am a very social and outgoing person, and I feel like I cannot have a life anymore because he will drink if he is alone. He also works at home one day a week so he inevitably will get drunk that day and I come home to him being very drunk and mean. He constantly tells me he wants to divorce me and I am the cause of his drinking. I have been to some al anon meetings, but it had made me feel more hopeless seeing how miserable alcohol makes other loved ones of alcoholics.

I am only 29 years old. This is not the life I want to live, but I do love him so much and wish he would stop doing this to himself and me. I want to have kids someday (my plan is to have them in my mid-30s) and I also have a high-powered career and want to be successful and happy in life. His alcoholism, denial, epiphanies, and relapses are really dragging me down and taking over my life. I have had to get individual therapy due to the stress and pain from this situation and have been seeing a therapist for about a year. Even if he does get sober, he could always relapse and there is always that fear. I don't want to look back at my life in 10, 20, 30, 40, or hell 50 (because this is how young I am while dealing with this) years and regret it. I love him and made a vow and want to help him, but I do not want to throw my life away in the process.

Intervention:

A few weeks ago, I came home after he was working at home for the day. I got him dinner and was very sweet to him. He was drunk when I got home and he yelled at me, verbally abused me, and went to get a hotel room. The next morning, he came back and apologized to me and said he needs to see a psychiatrist because he is probably clinically depressed. He made an appointment (it is supposed to be this Friday; he said the psychiatrist didn't have an earlier appointment).

Then, 2 weeks later (this past Friday), I once again came home to him being very drunk. I had gotten him dinner and was very nice to him. He once again got mad for no reason, verbally abused me, yelled at the top of his lungs at me, and went to get a hotel room (he had gotten a hotel room last Tuesday as well). He always cabs to the hotels and thankfully does not drive while drunk (as far as I know). At that point, my heart broke. At the advice of my family and a few friends (who know about the situation), I called his parents and told them all about his alcoholism and behavior. I feel bad that I went behind his back to tell them without his knowledge, but I felt I had no choice. He had said some suicidal things earlier in the week and I was very concerned. This situation is not sustainable and it is only getting worse. My family urged me to tell his parents about the situation, in case it got worse. I agreed - if he did something to himself or someone else while drunk, I would never be able to forgive myself for not telling his parents.

His parents were deeply upset to hear about his alcoholism and were very supportive of me. His mother, who has a lot of knowledge about alcoholism because she has been dealing with her alcoholic sister for decades, told me that I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I can't cure it (the 3 C's). Together, we came up with a plan to stage an intervention for him. The intervention is supposed to be this week and they said they would try to bring an AA professional to it as well. They live several hours away and will drive here for it and it will surprise him. I am so happy his parents support me and want to help him. I couldn't have asked for better in laws to have in this situation. But I am afraid he will feel betrayed that I told them and will be defensive and very upset. I know that if I were in his situation and the roles were reversed, I would want him to involve my parents, especially if I had remotely wanted to tell them about it in the past, and it was a matter of life and health. But he likely won't see it that way and he may turn on me and hurt me for this. He hasn't ever physically hurt me, but he has punched a hole in our door and has also gotten frighteningly close to my face with a really contorted, angry face as recently as yesterday (and this was while sober, but I know heavy alcohol use has long-lasting effects on the brain and mood, even while the person is sober).

Also, after I planned this intervention, the next day, my husband (who does not yet know that I told his parents) once again regretted drinking and said he would get help. He has said this several times before and never followed through. I can't believe him anymore. I know this intervention may be necessary for him to have more support around his sobriety. My heart breaks every time he relapses after having an epiphany.

Logistically, how do effective interventions work? I am so scared and worried about this and the future. He has put me in a terrible position. My family lives across the country and I have only my aunt and a few friends here. I feel scared. He has depression, anger issues, alcoholism, and is very volatile when upset. This isn't who I thought I married. We had the most beautiful wedding ceremony and reception last year and I was so excited for the rest of our lives and our "always and forever." Alcohol is ruining everything.

Any suggestions or advice? I feel so broken. Thank you in advance for your support!