I can't speak for everyone but for me the relapses were a necessary evil. Somehow in my heart and soul I wanted sobriety so badly. I never gave up. I woke up each day and swore to god almighty that I wouldn't drink. I always took some positive away when I slipped. Why did it happen? What can I change? What can I do differently? You seem like a smart person. You will figure it out just don't ever give up. You can do it.