Thanks SparkleKitty! Gosh golly...
OK down to business.
I havent thought it was my place to make that kind of decision for him is the main reason. Isnt that kind of controlling behavior?
Well, I can see why you can take it that way. Hmmm... Let me tell you a story.
I worked near the World Trade Center during 9/11. I get to hear, see, and smell everything. When I go back to work after they let everybody return, I can still see the Pit from my window. I actually brought a surgical mask and smeared it with Vicks each morning to disguise the smell. Even now, years afterwards, I still get jittery every time I hear a plane fly overhead.
I'm not telling you this so you can feel sorry for me - I just want to give you my state of mind here.
Five years after 9/11, my husband and I go to the movie theater to see Superman Returns. We don't go out that much so this was a real treat. We're looking forward to this night out. We start watching the movie -it's eh, but hey it's a night out!
And then the big climax happens, and it happens to be a city in chaos.
Props to the sound designer. There was crunching steel, people screaming, sirens, and the sound mix was perfect. Too perfect, because I went into a straight on panic attack and started sobbing in the movie theater. Over a stupid movie about Superman for Pete's sake! My husband whispered to me that we should leave right NOW. He couldn't bear to watch me get that upset. He wanted me to feel safe. He didn't care about spoiled night or the money we spent on the tickets. He just wanted me to be OK. I wasn't trying to control him when I started sobbing. I wasn't trying to make him leave the movie. I was just feeling what I was feeling, which was full fledged anxiety - perfectly normal given the circumstances.
Your husband and you have a history together. He has done some horrible things to you, and is trying to make amends. There are consequences to what he has done to you, and if he is truly remorseful he needs to accept those consequences. One of those consequences is the fact that you feel queasy about the social drinking. You have EVERY right to express your feelings to him.
It's not up to you to decide what he does when you tell him that the drinking/other triggering behavior upsets you. It's totally up to him. BUT, his reaction will give you more information in regards to his state of mind. Is he remorseful for what he did, or does he just want to sweep his past behavior under a rug?
And if you feel hesitant about mentioning your feelings about his social drinking, that in itself is another piece of information that you will have to ponder.
And yes to what SparkleKitty said about boundaries. Boundaries are your friend!