aliciagr

Hello Everyone,

I have to tell you what happened and get your thoughts because I feel like maybe God has opened my eyes to something that maybe Im supposed to be paying attention to before our baby comes.

My husband has been good, no problems with his addictions. We have still been going to therapy and as part of the family therapy once in a while the Dr suggests we go to a group family session. We went last week and this couple was there that we have met before. My husband has hit it off with the husband ok, but I wasnt too sure I liked the wife very much. But we talked the other day and Ive since spoke to her on the phone.

I feel scared by what she has told me, and also like an I get it now type of moment based on things I had seen here but not really agreed with or understood? She was telling me that I think we are past everything now (and she said she hoped I was) but that with her own husband he kept cycling through different addictions for years and years. His latest issue had to do with Fentanyl? patches and they were there in these sessions working on things coming from that. Anyway, she said the thing that had helped him the most was going to AA and NA meetings and working their program. I told her that didnt work for my husband, he left the rehab and hated the meetings and how I was left so confused by alanon when I went. She said, the reason it didnt work for him was because he was forced to do it. He has to want to do it and accept it all, and then it will help him. I asked her how it helped him was it just he stopped using stuff. She said it was bigger than that because people who have addictions especially those who have multiple addictions with pills and alcohol have deeply set characteristics about them. She said youve heard the term character flaws. Yes I had but didnt get it. She said for example, many have short fuses, are impatient, always think of their needs and desires first, and can be too concerned about how they come off to others all while not caring how people close to them think. She swears they are all a lot alike. She said it takes working a program and being aware of all of these things and constantly working to better themselves that it stops or at least improves a lot. She said her husband changed a lot for the better due to working the program and she now would refuse to live with him if he quit. I said well. he still took the fentanyl and she said yes but he is alive and told his sponsor, went back to day 1, is working his steps harder, and started therapy again. She said it wasnt AA or NA fault but they were there to catch him. She said its about community and support.

And she goes to Alanon and a couple times a month to NarAnon. She said she was going to a NarAnon meeting this week and invited me to go with her yesterday. I went and cried through most of the meeting. People hugged me. She said the programs may not be all that I need, or may not help me like therapy does, but I can meet people who care, and who will be there if I call. I can learn about my boundaries and be prepared because there is never certainty when you live with an addict. I told her I dont like the labels and she said then dont use them, but how many times has he turned to drugs or alcohol and what have the results been? You really think there is not a good chance it can happen again when your baby is here and growing up?

Then I cried a lot more. And started thinking about all of it. I mean over the weekend I was very tired and he wanted to have sex. I wanted to dont get me wrong but I explained what I felt up to that night. Oh sure all was great and then it obviously wasnt enough when he told me that he was slow because he wasnt getting very turned on by me. Who says that to a tired, pregnant wife?

Crying at the meeting upset me, but I have been thinking today maybe God is slowly trying to say that he knows Im working hard on myself and want to be a good mom, and this is a nudge saying maybe I need to try one of the programs again. The lady I met invited me to go to more meetings with her and said that if I stepped back and just watched she bet her husband would be able to work some magic with my husband and there was a chance he would open up to the program if he didnt feel he had to do it or was being forced.

So much she said, a lot of you have said here. Im scared, and I dont know if Im crazy now or what to do? I know I must go very slow whatever I do so please no one yell at me. I want to do the right things and I know Ive made a lot of progress on myself and I havent stopped trying to progress myself.

Ariesagain

Go to the meetings, yes? Your new friend sounds knowledgable, supportive, and kind. Your husband may be the rare case where he doesn't need a formal recovery program and never relapses but it doesn't sound like he's all that great to live with sober and it really doesn't sound like he's made much progress on giving up an addict's selfishness.

Knowledge is power. Go to the meetings and learn from others who have been where you are. That way you will be prepared no matter what happens.

P.S. Was it really "great"? Or were you just going along because he insisted? And then he insulted you. Not nice.

suki44883

I agree with Aries...this woman sounds like she knows what she is talking about. She may not be saying what you want to hear, but it sounds like she is speaking the truth as she knows it.

Maudcat

Agree. Go to the meetings. I was very confused by the terminology initially in the Al-Anon meetings I attended early on. I felt that I was speaking Spanish and everyone else was speaking Swahili.
But I persevered, mostly because I loved the peace and serenity I found there. In time, I came to understand more about the steps and the traditions. I learned a lot about detaching with compassion, and setting boundaries not only with my alcoholic sib, but with my enabling mother as well.
It really is a wonderful fellowship with lots of support. It can help you.

aliciagr

I dont want to make my husband out to be a complete insensitive jerk or anything. I mean I guess I was telling him he was too slow and I wasnt satisfied. You know how all these situations can get plus I am super moody and cry a lot I guess hormones.

Thank you for the opinions, and I am thinking I will discuss it with the therapist I see. I dont have an appt scheduled but maybe I wont go to another meeting until I talk through. I also feel a little vulnerable and I guess its best to be certain before I commit to trying again.

I dont really understand the personality issues she said though. I know my husband had a LOT of issues when he was on coke or drunk, but he has always been supportive of me, and I wouldnt have married him if he had displayed most of the signs she mentioned as common. I always thought those behaviors went away with treatment. But see he has, and is still doing therapy. I know some people dont ever do that and all they use is AA or NA but then these people were there in couples group therapy so Im not sure of the situation with them exactly.

My feelings and thoughts get so confused !

AnvilheadII

My husband has been good, no problems with his addictions.

alicia, perhaps i misread but in your post on FEB12 you said your husband was still drinking.

is that true?

maia1234

A,
Alcoholism is progressive. If our addicts showed us their true colors when we first start dating, none of us would have married them. Over years, their personalities change as the disease progresses.

I would highly recommend hitting the meetings and keeping an open mind. You are on this forum because his drinking is causing problems in your marriage. He is no different then any of the other addicts on this forum. If you go on the Alcoholic side of these forums, you will realize that they need to grow up, sober up and work a program. That is what it is all about.

I would also recommend doing some therapy on your own. Many therapists will not even work with couples when addiction is involved. (for me it was a waste of a lot of money). Take care of you, as that is all we are in control of.

LexieCat

Sweetie, this man has RAPED you--at least twice (that you've told us about). And he is still demanding sex when you are tired and don't want to. Are you sure you aren't just giving in to avoid another forcible assault? And then he complains that you're not "turning him on"?

This is so, so heartbreaking to read. I am really scared for your future. I'm not yelling at you. I know how hard this whole situation must be for you. But I do think that you need supportive people who can make you feel strong and able to do what's best for you and your baby-to-be. You might meet some people like that in Al-Anon, though I really think working with an advocate or therapist experienced in dealing with abuse and sexual violence might be better. Your husband is much more dangerous, and his "problem" is much deeper, than someone who is simply an alcoholic or addict.

I'm glad you're posting again.

NYCDoglvr

This the the only thing she said I disagreed with. I hated going to AA in the beginning, but knew it was either do this or die. I'd listen to her.

Ariesagain

Oh...dear. I had mixed up your back story with someone else.

As usual, Lexiecat is absolutely correct. I went back and reread your threads, which began nearly a year ago. Here's a link...

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...archid=7611214

Your husband's behavior has been rather consistent...he does what he wants, pays some lip service to recovery, complains or leaves every rehab or program he's in, and is sexually demanding and/or insulting. I guess he is still in therapy, but a guy who was genuinely remorseful abiut two incidents of raping his wife doesn't get pushy about sex with her EVER AGAIN. Insensitive jerk is putting it really mildly.

I hope you'll go to those meetings and I hope they will help you move past this denial and start putting yourself and your child first.

tomsteve

when i pray, God doesnt give me the answers i want to hear. He gives me the answers i need to hear and will help me.

aliciagr

no, no, no. no. he isn't being abusive I promise.

Yes he does drink still sometimes but never too much. He doesn't think he is an alcoholic. I cant say that he is because it was always trouble when it was with drugs. No cocaine or other drugs now. He is in therapy and his attitude is good. I mean yes of course we do argue or disagree sometimes but I never feel threatened. or scared of him,

I am in therapy too. I have been going regular for months. I have slacked off a little bit in February but I haven't quit. We are doing family therapy, and even those groups sessions sometimes. I have a lot of eyes on me and the situation I swear. Everyone says he is doing what he should be doing and they see progress.

Lexie. he did rape me twice. I was a victim, but I also was stupid because I stayed when he was not safe to be around. If I see that behavior again I will leave. He knows this. If I see coke then I will leave.

I wish things were not messed up with our inlaws but they are still not too good. His dad has come around some but not his mom. Maybe in time?

Thank you all for caring so much !!

LexieCat

I would NEVER call you stupid. You have survived, and that takes smarts and courage.

I wish I could say I shared your confidence. It is good to have the situation monitored, as you say it is. The thing is, you seem to think you will know when something bad is about to happen and be able to leave in time to protect yourself. I hope that's true, but you don't always get warning signs. I think the fact that he continues to pressure you for sex regardless of how you feel tells a whole lot about his priorities. It's all about him.

Just keep your wits about you, and if you ever start getting a bad feeling, call for some outside support.

Hugs,

PuzzledHeart

Alicia,

I really hope in my heart that you are right and our suspicions are merely suspicions - not premonitions of what is to come.

I am the one who posted about the detrimental mind games I played in my head to avoid acknowledging the pain I felt as a victim of abuse.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ml#post6067516

Please value your own truth. There's a reason why you posted here again. Don't ignore the voice that is telling you to survive. You've got a baby on the way to protect - a childhood filled with abuse and denial isn't an ideal start at all, and you know that.

I will ask you three questions: Are you sure that he will be aware and present and involved when the baby arrives? Is it enough just to have a father who isn't abusive? Is that the bar that you're setting for yourself?

Please take care of yourself and your child.

Refiner

I beg to differ NYC - by you simply posting that you knew it was DO or DIE and you stuck with it meant deep down you knew you needed help!

aliciagr

The thing is that neither of us can change what happened when he was on coke and drinking. He was an abusive liar who only cared about his immediate needs. Not even his own long term needs because everything was about him right in that second.

But that wasnt the man I married. And its not the man I see now. He isnt perfect but he has a lot of good qualities and he has come to realize the coke and alcohol explosions have happened one too many times. He says he will stay in therapy long term because he has a lot of inner issues to work out. We are both scared to be parents and it would have been better to have waited longer. He is a good provider and to answer your question, if he follows the pattern of his own dad then he will provide for us, work all the time, and leave most of the parenting to me and expect our relationship to come first and our child to never cause issues or problems that he has to deal with. But he says he doesnt want to be like that, knows that perception of children is wrong, and he wants to have a strong bond with our child, help parent, and be someone he or she can look up to and respect.

I dont know if he will be able to do it. Whenever he goes off and beats himself up with drugs and alcohol its when he feels all these negative inner feelings prompted by stuff that is happening currently in life. But he talks about his awareness of all this stuff now, and in therapy he says he is working on all of it.

Im doing a lot in therapy too. And one thing is making sure I know my own worth and making sure Im respected as being his equal in this marriage.

AnvilheadII

The thing is that neither of us can change what happened when he was on coke and drinking.

but he has a lot of good qualities and he has come to realize the coke and alcohol explosions have happened one too many times.

Yes he does drink still sometimes but never too much. He doesn't think he is an alcoholic.

if he was truly repentant and wanted to make sure that NOTHING like his explosions EVER happened again.....he would NOT be drinking. The abuse happened when he was high on coke AND drunk. and as long as he keeps feeding the beast, the likelihood of a recurrence are NOT in your favor. all it will take is one really bad day, one argument, too much pressure - like a newborn infant that cries all night - and kaboom, there he goes.

i am very worried that you have lulled yourself into a false sense of security.

FireSprite

Oh Alicia, your hormones likely aren't helping you right now with all of this.

I'm just going to add this - he is still actively using with no desire for real recovery, that's a fact not an assumption. Counseling during active use is sort of like brushing your teeth with oreos - not terribly effective in most situations. (although not harmful either)

Having a child WILL increase household/relationship stress, that's another fact that all of us face. If sex is a regular contention for him, how will it be following childbirth when your body HAS to have time to heal & you may face complications you can't even predict right now? What if sex is out of the question for 6 months or you don't feel up to it even if you're "technically" allowed?

Even "good" stress is stressful to the body/mind..... the body doesn't perceive any difference between the sources of stress when it's feeling overwhelmed. His potential to relapse hard will likely increase as your pregnancy progresses & after the baby is born. Your whole world will change 24/7/365.

We here are SR would probably lay bets that a difficult relapse is more of a When-Not-If. (That's because so many have been through it already, not because we only see the negative possibilities in your situation.)

IF you can accept that a relapse/drug use/abuse is likely to occur at some point & that you're OK with that, then that's absolutely your decision to make. Just please remember that your little one won't have the same ability to decide for him/herself & it's not just about You any longer.

Hang in there & keep posting!

dandylion

+Alicia....I cannot encourage you to take firesprite's words, to heart, enough. I worked in a woman's hospital for several years....and what she says about childbirth is true. The stress levels in the home and the relationship increase after the birth....as it is a great time of change for everyone.
He already has a lot of issues around sex...and, that is likely to increase, also....As a matter of fact, it may increase closer to delivery time.
I strongly suggest that you develop a plan, in the event that things take a downward turn. Have someplace to go as a sanctuary for you.baby.
It would be best if you talked to a worker at the dv center or hot l ine. They will lhelp you make a workable plan...as they can think of things that you may not have. You certainly quality for their services, based on the past rapes, alone.
You need to take care of the baby and your baby's mother, now. Like fireSprite said....it isn't just about you anymore....
You will need to be able to leave the home, on a dime, if you need to. Advanced planning is everything, in your situation......

aliciagr

Im dont think I agree he is actively using. If he was a diagnosed alcoholic and still drinking here and there it would be much more clear cut. But his doctor has not diagnosed like that. There is a relationship between the cocaine and the alcohol. The alcohol use becomes absurd when he is on coke. Right now we have no alcohol at home but when we go out to eat. there will be a few times a month when he has a drink. He never hid his alcohol when he was drinking he was a complete slob! Until the coke he had never been much of a drinker since I knew him. Dont get me wrong I wouldnt complain if he never drank again, but its not mine issue to work out. Im not sur, is there a time period when an alcoholic tests to see if they can moderate? Most cant right? or they can for a while and then it increases. This is what I think so this is a sign I pay attention for. Plus if he starts drinking my antenna will immediately go up about drugs being used again

and you know his probation period ended months ago. The judge didnt even make him stay on probation a full year like he was set up originally. No one is watching him now or making him go to therapy alone or with me to family therapy. He wants to do it. Doesnt that count as being positive? I respect him a lot for working as hard as he does and still always making time for it.