[QUOTE
and while yes you are a mother who lost a son, you are still a mother who HAS a son. please don't forget that. he lost a brother, and he's currently losing his mom.[/QUOTE]
Hello Canada.....without going into too many details I can understand what you are feeling. It is appallingly difficult to deal with.
I am trying still to get sober.....a number of attempts over the last few years. I feel I'm learning how to be sober....which is a very different thing to just resisting the urge to drink.
Maybe some time without alcohol may give you some peace for a while. I realised that I'd never make any peace with it so long as I was on the roller coaster ride of drink and crash....feeling even worse, then drinking to blank the crash.
How to get to the starting gate? Just give yourself a couple of days, they can be a bit rough....get to the end of the week and maybe you'll feel a little better. Maybe you will drink again, but when you're hungover, you'll now remember a better time. When you know its there for you....maybe you can start and want to get back to it, to hold onto it for a bit longer. Build on it.
All the best, I hope you can find your way out of it....