canada77

I'd like to hear from bereaved parents who are fighting addiction. I have relied on alcohol increasingly throughout the past three years - through my son's illness and even more so now that he's gone.

I know the alcohol exacerbates my depression (I've been on anti-depressants for years) and counteracts the effectiveness of my meds, but the grief just robs me of any ability to stop. I've done counseling, both grief and addiction (separately), which hasn't helped.

I read testimonials from people who are in recovery and are very happy, and I just think "well, that won't be me. Even in recovery I'll still be a mom who lost her son". I don't think I'll ever be happy again.

Thing is, I'm worried about my health and I don't want to hit "rock bottom" - right now I'm function pretty well in terms of holding down a job and paying the bills, and I still have a son who is 15. So I know I need to stop.

I've tried going without, but the most I can get is two days. How do I get that momentum going, when does that kick in?

Grymt

Good choice to come here. While my children live I lost contact with them during a period of my drinking. I grieved the loss by drinking more. Being sober is a chance to grieve properly. It must be difficult for you now. You can do it though. Choose not to drink and work throught he consequences with the help. There is much wisdom here. Read and talk and try what is suggested. Be Happy.

Anna

I am so very sorry about the loss of your son. I'm glad you found us and decided to post. You asked how do you get the momentum going? Really, you just get through it. The first several days are tough, but you will begin to feel better physically, emotionally and spiritually. It seems that Day 3 is often a tough one to get through, but you will be able to do it. Get rid of the alcohol in your home and don't buy anymore. Change your daily routine, especially during the times you would usually be drinking. Drive home via a different route and try shopping at a different store. These things will help you through the early days and weeks. And, keep reading and posting.

Maudcat

Hello, Canada, and welcome. I am sorry for your loss.
I think we use alcohol for many reasons. It takes away stress. It masks anxiety. It makes us less inhibited. It tamps down grief.
But...it doesn't work forever. That is its curse. After a while, it isn't really taking away anything. And new issues and emotions come up from the drinking. Hungover, depressed again. Ashamed. Feeling out of control.
Grief is a terrible thing, but alcohol makes it monstrous.
I am not a bereaved parent. I can't speak to your pain.
But I am a survivor of alcohol dependency. I am a child of an alcoholic. I know what alcohol can and can't do.
I hope you can see your way clear to putting down the drink. It really doesn't help. Peace.

Wholesome

Welcome to the forum. I'm so sorry for your loss. It is very tempting to mask over the grief with alcohol. My sister lost a child, her baby, years ago and although it wasn't my child I grieved tremendously over it and abused alcohol myself to avoid the pain. Thing is is that all these years later and I don't think I've ever given myself the chance to really feel it so it's still there.... just waiting. I don't have any great words of wisdom for you. But I do offer you my support and empathy. And I absolutely do believe that you can recover! 100%.

AnvilheadII

actually, you'll never move THROUGH the grief process as long as you keep trying to drink it all away. plus it doesn't help or change one dang thing.

you suffered a terrible loss. nothing will take that pain away. but it will lessen a bit in time, and you'll learn to live with it.

and while yes you are a mother who lost a son, you are still a mother who HAS a son. please don't forget that. he lost a brother, and he's currently losing his mom.

Wholesome

I can tell you a few things that my sister did after her loss.... she started meditating at a temple and learned to sit in her grief. She learned a technique to help heal some of the trauma of the loss where she meditated and tried to bring herself into a memory where she felt very safe and well, once she was there she allowed herself to feel the worst memories the of trauma/ pain. She found it to be very helpful. She also finds ways to honor his life. On the anniversaries she does something to celebrate his life.

One thing is for sure and that is that pouring alcohol on top of the grief is only going to make matters worse..... but you know this. That's why you have reached out for help today.

canguy

[QUOTE
and while yes you are a mother who lost a son, you are still a mother who HAS a son. please don't forget that. he lost a brother, and he's currently losing his mom.[/QUOTE]

Hello Canada.....without going into too many details I can understand what you are feeling. It is appallingly difficult to deal with.

I am trying still to get sober.....a number of attempts over the last few years. I feel I'm learning how to be sober....which is a very different thing to just resisting the urge to drink.

Maybe some time without alcohol may give you some peace for a while. I realised that I'd never make any peace with it so long as I was on the roller coaster ride of drink and crash....feeling even worse, then drinking to blank the crash.

How to get to the starting gate? Just give yourself a couple of days, they can be a bit rough....get to the end of the week and maybe you'll feel a little better. Maybe you will drink again, but when you're hungover, you'll now remember a better time. When you know its there for you....maybe you can start and want to get back to it, to hold onto it for a bit longer. Build on it.

All the best, I hope you can find your way out of it....

PhoenixJ

All wise words above. I know from my current experiences- although nothing is the same as losing a child.
Grief is a bugger- and natural. The brain copes by experiencing so many things. Booze poisons this process. Therapy, meetings, sharing here. Letting it happen.
My thoughts, empathy and support.

Dee74

I'm sorry for your loss Canada77 but you'll find a lot of support and understanding here

I'm not a parent but I have lost people I loved.

For me, alcohol kept me in my grief.

It didn't help me heal it just kept me in the same spot where I'd numb the pain for a little while but the pain always come back...so I'd have to numb it again.

It was like an aircraft in a holding pattern...ever circling but never getting anywhere.

We're meant to feel sad when we lose loved ones.

We feel the pain and in time we move through that pain to a place where we never forget, but we can back to some semblance of a normal life.

Don;t let alcohol rob you of that healing process.

If you fear the pain will be unbearable maybe seeing a grief counsellor might help?

D

canada77

Thanks everyone, for your thoughtful and supportive comments.

HTown

I tried to drink my wife's early death from Cancer away. We were deeply in love and I felt like I lost my entire world. The thought of losing my child is a devestating thought. I am so sorry you have to endure it. It is not the order of things that our children die before us. I am so sorry for this tremendous loss.

I have to echo what Anvilhead said, you need to be strong for your remaining child. He needs his parent present.

Living in the present is my goal now. Drinking postponed my grief over my love. I drank and drank, but was not moving through the grief. It is still overwhelming. It hasn't been 2 years yet, but grief wants what it wants and you must move through it and accept it by your side.

Prayer, memorials to her I have placed, a photo book I made and gave to friends, and my sobriety at just a year have been my solace. I try to honor her memory by remaing sober as I know she would be proud of me.

My best to you and your family through this difficult passage. No words can express your pain I am sure. You are not alone.

BruceSA

Wow!

A most powerful statement.

I really feel for your loss, but there are other people involved, too. I almost lost my daughter through drink and we are slowly getting to know each-other again. She doesn't trust me and I don't blame her. Please don't let this happen with your son.

Try some sober time, like has been suggested. You may just find that you get hooked on sober time instead of drinking time.

All the best,

Bruce.

FreedomHorse

Hi canada77, I'm so sorry for your loss. I appreciate you posting this here and all the great advice given by everyone!