Itruvia...you sound like you are truly trying to help yourself....that is how I can tell that you are going to be o.k., in the end. (that is the good news!)....
Keep reading the materials. **go to the sticky, on the front page of this forum...click on "Classic Reading"...and, read the one titled: "Ten Ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap", It is a good yardstick to judge where someone is at, in terms of readiness and sincerity about recovery....
the stickies contain a virtual bootcamp of information an alcoholism (and co-dependency)....collected, all in one place. Keep reading and studying until you become practically an "expert" on alcoholism....lol....
Knowledge is power. And self knowledge is priceless....