Do they come back?
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Do they come back?
I recently posted about my AH breaking up with me. It's been two weeks of chaos in my head. Not accepting the reality to not knowing what I want. I KNOW that I don't want him back with his illness. He accepted in one of the phone calls that he has his demons and he will address them. Not just yet, I suppose. He is living in an illusion. I guess a large part of me is in illusion too. Wanting him to magically wake up and take steps towards recovery. After all that he has done, he continues to blame me for everything and on my anger issues but that's his choice. I have such strong desire to talk to him, hug him and hold him. I miss him terribly and every waking moment is like a nightmare. I am thinking about him constantly. I've read enough to know that I have to focus on myself and recover but I simply cannot. I went out yesterday with few people, broke down multiple times in public and finally stormed out. I am so angry that people are happy. I am so angry that he doesn't see what I see. I hate the fact that he dumped me instead of me dumping him for what he has become. I don't know what AH do after a break-up. Do they come back? After the mess he created, his folks don't want him to be with me AT ALL. They hate me and blame me for his drinking. I am so alone and feel so angry and depressed. I am angry at myself for getting angry and hitting him when he was drunk. Everything has been turned upside down. I obviously still love him and want him to get better but I can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Someone who knows the problems but still doesn't choose help. Still doesn't do any introspection to understand why the relationship broke. I feel so pathetic.
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Unfortunately yes they usually do come back.
I am sorry you are suffering with such painful withdrawals from him and his behaviours.
I would urge you to seek out help for yourself. I found Al-anon an enormous help. As a codie, I was addicted to the rollercoaster of emotions I indulged in with my drinking husband. The thrills and spills of all the drama.
The alcoholic is our addiction like theirs is alcohol.
I have learnt to find peace in myself. I needed to do this or I would have just hooked up with another addict. I am on my third now.
An exhausting way to exist.
Take care of yourself.
I am sorry you are suffering with such painful withdrawals from him and his behaviours.
I would urge you to seek out help for yourself. I found Al-anon an enormous help. As a codie, I was addicted to the rollercoaster of emotions I indulged in with my drinking husband. The thrills and spills of all the drama.
The alcoholic is our addiction like theirs is alcohol.
I have learnt to find peace in myself. I needed to do this or I would have just hooked up with another addict. I am on my third now.
An exhausting way to exist.
Take care of yourself.
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He ruined everything and everyone is against me. I don't think his mom would let me anywhere near him and he knows that. I don't know how he is coping. He basically told me he has no one but of course there are people backing him up. I drank every time he drank so I am worried I am at early stages of alcohol dependence myself. I am planning on stopping drinking from tomorrow cos I definitely don't want to end up like him. I still have sanity left.
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Ituvia.....I am going to say some things to you....and, I realize, as I am saying them, ;that you won't grab onto it or believe it. But, I have the hope and expectation that it might register with you intellectually, if not emotionally, at this early time in your grief.....so, that when you have to make decisions, that you will put your head in charge...and, trust your head....because, your heart cannot be trusted at this time.....
When one becomes emotionally attached to an intimate partner, a process, known as "pair bonding" occurs. It is a powerful force...invented by Mother Nature...one of the most compelling things that we humans can experience.
Here is the thing....it doesn't matter if the other person is good for us or bad for us....when these bonds are broken, the pain is the same!!
The pain is unspeakably intense...words cannot, really, fully describe how wrenching it is. It stops us in our tracks, during the most acute early stages. We feel sort of like an infant who has been deserted in the wilderness. We feel desperate to have the love object back, at any cost....
This is what grief and mourning is like.
Ituvia....everything that you are experiencing, and described is right on mark, and expected...and, for lack of a better word..."normal", for the circumstances.
Predictable.
Even though every alcoholic is different (because, no two humans are the same)...the pattern of the disease of addiction is....
For example....the addict will always blame others for everything that happens, as a result of their drinking. Blame and deflecting and projecting is standard. Not taking responsibility is standard. Denial is, especially, standard. Seeking out other enablers is standard. Progression of the disease is standard. etc, etc, etc.....
And, it is pretty much standard for family to stick by their own...most of the time, anyway.
Your grieving will follow certain predictable phases...and, you are in the most I ntense part, right now. Believe me, when I tell you, that it is n ot going to go away as quickly as you want it to. You are going to have many mixed emotions, sort of like a kalediscope of emotions. Crying a lot is standard, also. It will last from weeks to months...and, it will lessen, as time goes on.
Yes, it will end...and it will NOT feel like this forever.
You will heal, but, there is no going around or "skipping" the pain of morning a lost love.
When a person suffers a loss...they have a natural need that is actually helpful...They need to be able to vent about it and talk, in great detail, to other compassionate and understand ing people. This is why we recommend to get support...to go to alanon...to continue to post, here, to get a counselor, etc....
Here is another thing...it is common, in a dysfunctional relationship...in order to try to make it work...a person may become so stripped of their coping mechanisms, that they begin to behave in ways that are destructive, also....
I think that your drinking and physically hitting him are examples of this. You probably never thought that this would happen.....
Addiction affects the loved ones, just like it affects the addict/alcoholic...
You are so smart to recognize that you need to put the alcohol away....
I will caution you, that if you have been drinking on a regular basis...you may experience some discomfort and withdrawl symptoms...If so, I recommend that you go to a doctor and put the cards on the table, and they can help you with any withdrawl symptoms.
If you have trouble staying off the sauce...then, you know, by now, that you have to get help for that , also....
I am saying all these things, so that you will have some frame of reference for what is going on.
***I can recommend some reading materials for you...but, I imagine that you are so reeling from the pain that you won't grab on to them, just now. Let me know if you ever want them....
Do they ever come back? Quite often, they do....and, that is the most risky time for you....because you will be tempted to act from your heart and not your head...
When one becomes emotionally attached to an intimate partner, a process, known as "pair bonding" occurs. It is a powerful force...invented by Mother Nature...one of the most compelling things that we humans can experience.
Here is the thing....it doesn't matter if the other person is good for us or bad for us....when these bonds are broken, the pain is the same!!
The pain is unspeakably intense...words cannot, really, fully describe how wrenching it is. It stops us in our tracks, during the most acute early stages. We feel sort of like an infant who has been deserted in the wilderness. We feel desperate to have the love object back, at any cost....
This is what grief and mourning is like.
Ituvia....everything that you are experiencing, and described is right on mark, and expected...and, for lack of a better word..."normal", for the circumstances.
Predictable.
Even though every alcoholic is different (because, no two humans are the same)...the pattern of the disease of addiction is....
For example....the addict will always blame others for everything that happens, as a result of their drinking. Blame and deflecting and projecting is standard. Not taking responsibility is standard. Denial is, especially, standard. Seeking out other enablers is standard. Progression of the disease is standard. etc, etc, etc.....
And, it is pretty much standard for family to stick by their own...most of the time, anyway.
Your grieving will follow certain predictable phases...and, you are in the most I ntense part, right now. Believe me, when I tell you, that it is n ot going to go away as quickly as you want it to. You are going to have many mixed emotions, sort of like a kalediscope of emotions. Crying a lot is standard, also. It will last from weeks to months...and, it will lessen, as time goes on.
Yes, it will end...and it will NOT feel like this forever.
You will heal, but, there is no going around or "skipping" the pain of morning a lost love.
When a person suffers a loss...they have a natural need that is actually helpful...They need to be able to vent about it and talk, in great detail, to other compassionate and understand ing people. This is why we recommend to get support...to go to alanon...to continue to post, here, to get a counselor, etc....
Here is another thing...it is common, in a dysfunctional relationship...in order to try to make it work...a person may become so stripped of their coping mechanisms, that they begin to behave in ways that are destructive, also....
I think that your drinking and physically hitting him are examples of this. You probably never thought that this would happen.....
Addiction affects the loved ones, just like it affects the addict/alcoholic...
You are so smart to recognize that you need to put the alcohol away....
I will caution you, that if you have been drinking on a regular basis...you may experience some discomfort and withdrawl symptoms...If so, I recommend that you go to a doctor and put the cards on the table, and they can help you with any withdrawl symptoms.
If you have trouble staying off the sauce...then, you know, by now, that you have to get help for that , also....
I am saying all these things, so that you will have some frame of reference for what is going on.
***I can recommend some reading materials for you...but, I imagine that you are so reeling from the pain that you won't grab on to them, just now. Let me know if you ever want them....
Do they ever come back? Quite often, they do....and, that is the most risky time for you....because you will be tempted to act from your heart and not your head...
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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Thank you, dandylion. I know you make so much sense and I know time will heal but I just keep going back to how the break up happened and how he discarded me for my "anger issues". I am not able to function AT ALL. I miss him all the time. I have a T-shirt that smells like him but that's that. He left some of his clothes behind that don't even smell like him. Every speck in the house reminds me of him and I am in tears in every hour. I am also in denial that it's over and he probably is moving on well. Why do the AH have to be smart and intelligent people and yet they can't see the progression of the disease? I don't know why people say they have to hit rock bottom, for example, if I feel my drinking is out of control, I'd go to AA right now. He KNOWS and agreed many times he has a problem yet he wouldn't get help. When he came friday to see the dogs, I didn't let him in and it broke my heart into million pieces just looking at his face. He called later that night and said "You'll see me in two months and you'll see I am better" and I said, good for him but I probably won't be seeing him. It took every ounce of energy to say that. He was just indifferent the whole time on the phone. He was probably drinking. The same man has a friend who is an alcoholic and he once said that his friend is so far gone in the disease that he is accusing people of stealing and using him. He is exactly in the same phase his friend was two years back and he doesn't see it.
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Itruvia....yes, I understand the obsessive "reviewing" of the relationship, in your head. this is one of the common features of the mourning process. the same thing happens to those who have lost a loved one through death...even if the relationship was a healthy one.
It is like a person needs to reexamine every aspect of the relationship, until it, finally, after a while, begins to settle into a new framework, within their mind. An "adjusted" way of looking at it, the emergence of acceptance of what happened....so that the person is able to, finally, move forward...Yes, it is "obsessional", for a while. One situational where obsession is not considered to be abnormal.
In reality, mourning is the first step toward eventual healing....
Actually, I think that death is easier to accept (in some respects) because we know that no matter how painful the loss is...we don't have the ability to snatch someone back from the grave....But, lol...I can tell you that a rejected lover or a copdependent will challenge the limits of imagination in an effort to get back a dysfunctional lover....(to quell the pain)....
Your boyfriend is in denial up to his eyeballs. That is one of the biggest features of alcoholism. Of course, you don't understand him, because you assume that his brain is working just like yours. It is not...You can't expect "normal" and healthy....
If you are up to it...I will suggest the following....
Some articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
Papers on Addiction and Recovery
Especially these articles...."The Addict's Dilemma", "Addictions, Lies, and Relationships", and "Excuses Alcoholics Make".....
there are several other articles about how the alcoholic mind works.....
Personally, I found these writings among the very best ones that heloed me to understand what was going on....
I hope you will take the time to read them,carefully, because, I think they might help you.....
Want to hear a good song? "Whiskey River" by willie Nelson....you can google it on you-tube.....
It is like a person needs to reexamine every aspect of the relationship, until it, finally, after a while, begins to settle into a new framework, within their mind. An "adjusted" way of looking at it, the emergence of acceptance of what happened....so that the person is able to, finally, move forward...Yes, it is "obsessional", for a while. One situational where obsession is not considered to be abnormal.
In reality, mourning is the first step toward eventual healing....
Actually, I think that death is easier to accept (in some respects) because we know that no matter how painful the loss is...we don't have the ability to snatch someone back from the grave....But, lol...I can tell you that a rejected lover or a copdependent will challenge the limits of imagination in an effort to get back a dysfunctional lover....(to quell the pain)....
Your boyfriend is in denial up to his eyeballs. That is one of the biggest features of alcoholism. Of course, you don't understand him, because you assume that his brain is working just like yours. It is not...You can't expect "normal" and healthy....
If you are up to it...I will suggest the following....
Some articles written by Floyd P. Garrett, M.D.
Papers on Addiction and Recovery
Especially these articles...."The Addict's Dilemma", "Addictions, Lies, and Relationships", and "Excuses Alcoholics Make".....
there are several other articles about how the alcoholic mind works.....
Personally, I found these writings among the very best ones that heloed me to understand what was going on....
I hope you will take the time to read them,carefully, because, I think they might help you.....
Want to hear a good song? "Whiskey River" by willie Nelson....you can google it on you-tube.....
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Join Date: Feb 2017
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You're right, I read the articles earlier and it fits perfectly. More than the pain of being away, it hurts me to think that HE broke up with me. Of course, this could all be due to the fact that every reality is distorted. facts are not facts. friends are enemies and acquaintances are best friends because they don't really question his actions.
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Join Date: Mar 2016
Posts: 994
Do they come back?
Yes. Usually when they have outstayed their welcome elsewhere, run out of options and money. They come crawling back with false promises to suck us in. You may not believe it now but eventually if you work on yourself you will not see him coming back as a good thing.
Yes. Usually when they have outstayed their welcome elsewhere, run out of options and money. They come crawling back with false promises to suck us in. You may not believe it now but eventually if you work on yourself you will not see him coming back as a good thing.
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At some point -- and it might just not be possible right now with everything so fresh -- we need to bring the focus back to ourselves. When my XABF disappeared for several days, I eventually had to ask myself what I was really missing -- the fighting? The constant disrespect of my house, my time, my space, and my affection? The not being able to rely on him to do the simplest things, like put the leash on the dog when he took her for a walk? To remember to take the dog out at all? What was so great about our relationship that I felt like I couldn't live without despite all of the worry and drama it brought into my life?
I had become so very focused on him and his addiction that I lost ME. This relationship has turned you into someone who physically lashes out in frustration and anger. Is that who you want to be? I think probably not. Is obsessing over him and wishing him back going to help you be the person you DO want to be?
To build the kind of self-esteem it takes to walk away from an unhealthy relationship, we first have to take esteemable actions. You can't change things that happened in the past, but you can make better choices in the future. I needed a therapist to help me do that. Al-Anon is out there as well.
The question is not what is HIS rock bottom, but what is YOURS. Not Will he come back?, but What will YOU do when does?
I had become so very focused on him and his addiction that I lost ME. This relationship has turned you into someone who physically lashes out in frustration and anger. Is that who you want to be? I think probably not. Is obsessing over him and wishing him back going to help you be the person you DO want to be?
To build the kind of self-esteem it takes to walk away from an unhealthy relationship, we first have to take esteemable actions. You can't change things that happened in the past, but you can make better choices in the future. I needed a therapist to help me do that. Al-Anon is out there as well.
The question is not what is HIS rock bottom, but what is YOURS. Not Will he come back?, but What will YOU do when does?
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Originally Posted by Ituvia 
Why do the AH have to be smart and intelligent people and yet they can't see the progression of the disease? I don't know why people say they have to hit rock bottom, for example, if I feel my drinking is out of control, I'd go to AA right now.
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Originally Posted by Ituvia
He has a job that pays well and he is not even close to hitting rock bottom so I assume he is going to be doing this for a couple of years more.
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I know if he comes back, I can't take him back. I don't want to take him back right now because of who he is. What if he does go to rehab and gets treatment? What if he does change? What is the yardstick for someone who is working the recovery program? I don't know cos I haven't seen alcoholics before this or lived with one. But I somehow feel like he says he is going to rehab because in his own delusional way, he doesn't want me right now but he won't be sure when he is sober? He humiliated my entire family by showing up drunk in front of my dad who comes from a small town in India and has not had any alcoholic in his life and is a religious person. It was a shock to him to know that not only is my ex an alcoholic but I drink too and lived in with my now ex. Not everyone does that in my country and it is certainly not acceptable. He made sure to tell my dad all of what I do and did too. Yet, my dad is being supportive. There's that, of course.
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Originally Posted by Ituvia
I don't know what AH do after a break-up. Do they come back?
M-Bob
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Originally Posted by Forward12
It sounds like you may want to take your own advice. Have you been going to alanon? It sounds like you have a serious codependency issue as bad as his alcoholism.
There's one Al-Alon in my city and is 40 miles away. I am alone right now with two dogs and a job and I don't drive so going there is going to be impossible. I am reading as much as I can though.
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Originally Posted by Ituvia
I know if he comes back, I can't take him back. I don't want to take him back right now because of who he is. What if he does go to rehab and gets treatment? What if he does change? What is the yardstick for someone who is working the recovery program? I don't know cos I haven't seen alcoholics before this or lived with one. But I somehow feel like he says he is going to rehab because in his own delusional way, he doesn't want me right now but he won't be sure when he is sober? He humiliated my entire family by showing up drunk in front of my dad who comes from a small town in India and has not had any alcoholic in his life and is a religious person. It was a shock to him to know that not only is my ex an alcoholic but I drink too and lived in with my now ex. Not everyone does that in my country and it is certainly not acceptable. He made sure to tell my dad all of what I do and did too. Yet, my dad is being supportive. There's that, of course.
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Itruvia...you sound like you are truly trying to help yourself....that is how I can tell that you are going to be o.k., in the end. (that is the good news!)....
Keep reading the materials. **go to the sticky, on the front page of this forum...click on "Classic Reading"...and, read the one titled: "Ten Ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap", It is a good yardstick to judge where someone is at, in terms of readiness and sincerity about recovery....
the stickies contain a virtual bootcamp of information an alcoholism (and co-dependency)....collected, all in one place. Keep reading and studying until you become practically an "expert" on alcoholism....lol....
Knowledge is power. And self knowledge is priceless....
Keep reading the materials. **go to the sticky, on the front page of this forum...click on "Classic Reading"...and, read the one titled: "Ten Ways to know if your addict or alcoholic is full of crap", It is a good yardstick to judge where someone is at, in terms of readiness and sincerity about recovery....
the stickies contain a virtual bootcamp of information an alcoholism (and co-dependency)....collected, all in one place. Keep reading and studying until you become practically an "expert" on alcoholism....lol....
Knowledge is power. And self knowledge is priceless....
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I think when we are stuck in that thinking of "do they come back" that's part of the bargaining stage of grief. Hoping, wishing, planning, dreaming of how great it could be if they go to rehab, etc. those are the thoughts that keep us from full acceptance of the current situation.
What if you seek professional help? What if you change?
What if you seek professional help? What if you change?
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Thanks. I just want the pain to stop and I guess time will heal. I will read the sticky though.
It's so heartbreaking to KNOW what the progression of the disease is and still be helpless. Of all the advances in medicine, they still haven't found a cure for heartbreak.
It's so heartbreaking to KNOW what the progression of the disease is and still be helpless. Of all the advances in medicine, they still haven't found a cure for heartbreak.
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