Is this normal?
I'm not quite sure what is going on here. I ended the relationship in the middle of January and have had no contact after the initial barrage of texts where he blamed it all on me and said he'd never forgive me. I blocked him from everything after that.
Some days it hits me that I'll probably never see him ever again like a kick to the gut. I almost married this person. I think I must have loved him, but by the end, I don't know if I still did. I kind of hated him almost, and I hate to say that. It's so hard to reconcile loving, yet hating, the same person. And I'm not sure I'll ever get over the fact that instead of straightening out, he choose drugs. I know addicts do this, but it doesn't make it any less mind blowing that someone would give up the person that loved and stood by them, a great home, and everything that most people strive for in a relationship for a bottle of damn pills. God forgive me, but I hate him for this. And I hate his family for enabling him so freakin' much. Ok, whew, maybe there's some anger there that needs to be dealt with, but it only ever comes out as tears and I hate crying.
There are days that I feel pretty good. There are days that I feel ok. There are days that I'm optimistic and feel like I have what it takes to pull myself together and move on. Then, there are days like today where I'm sleeping way too much, I don't want to do anything, and I feel this lonely nagging feeling that is really hard to deal with. And I dislike it tremendously.
I dodged a bullet, I know I did. Breaking up was the right thing to do, I have no doubt about that. When my mind starts thinking back on the good times, I make myself remember why I made him leave. I don't even think it's him that I'm missing, I think Im just so NOT used to the quiet and lack of chaos, and maybe I'm confusing lonely and sad with being uncomfortable after dealing with the fighting, craziness, hurt, and my life being turned upside down by an addict daily.
It is just sooooo quiet. I have all the time I want to do what I want right now and I'm stuck. I can't move. I can't convince myself to get up and get moving. I have so much to be thankful for and yet, my mind spins at such a clip even with nothing going on that its overwhelming and so I just shut down instead of taking a step. This isn't always, but it's often enough to be concerning. I am seeing a counselor and it's helping me get some things figured out, but it's also bringing up a lot of the past at the same time. I know there are a lot of things I need to look at, but damn this focusing on myself thing is a lot harder than I imagined it would be. And it's not the most painless process.
I think I'm afraid I'm going to be permanently stuck in this low level depressed feeling and never get out. I had a wonderful weekend away with my sister and felt great. Energetic, happy, hopeful, normal eating patterns, not sleeping too much, it was great. Now I'm back at home and I'm right where I was before we went.
I have vacations planned for the summer and have a lot of day trips I want to take, but again, I feel stuck and overwhelmed, and end up doing nothing except what I have to to get through the day. Sleep seems to be my only peace when I feel like this. Thankfully it isn't always, but is this normal and please, if it is, tell me it goes away?