CelticStorm

I'm not quite sure what is going on here. I ended the relationship in the middle of January and have had no contact after the initial barrage of texts where he blamed it all on me and said he'd never forgive me. I blocked him from everything after that.

Some days it hits me that I'll probably never see him ever again like a kick to the gut. I almost married this person. I think I must have loved him, but by the end, I don't know if I still did. I kind of hated him almost, and I hate to say that. It's so hard to reconcile loving, yet hating, the same person. And I'm not sure I'll ever get over the fact that instead of straightening out, he choose drugs. I know addicts do this, but it doesn't make it any less mind blowing that someone would give up the person that loved and stood by them, a great home, and everything that most people strive for in a relationship for a bottle of damn pills. God forgive me, but I hate him for this. And I hate his family for enabling him so freakin' much. Ok, whew, maybe there's some anger there that needs to be dealt with, but it only ever comes out as tears and I hate crying.

There are days that I feel pretty good. There are days that I feel ok. There are days that I'm optimistic and feel like I have what it takes to pull myself together and move on. Then, there are days like today where I'm sleeping way too much, I don't want to do anything, and I feel this lonely nagging feeling that is really hard to deal with. And I dislike it tremendously.

I dodged a bullet, I know I did. Breaking up was the right thing to do, I have no doubt about that. When my mind starts thinking back on the good times, I make myself remember why I made him leave. I don't even think it's him that I'm missing, I think Im just so NOT used to the quiet and lack of chaos, and maybe I'm confusing lonely and sad with being uncomfortable after dealing with the fighting, craziness, hurt, and my life being turned upside down by an addict daily.

It is just sooooo quiet. I have all the time I want to do what I want right now and I'm stuck. I can't move. I can't convince myself to get up and get moving. I have so much to be thankful for and yet, my mind spins at such a clip even with nothing going on that its overwhelming and so I just shut down instead of taking a step. This isn't always, but it's often enough to be concerning. I am seeing a counselor and it's helping me get some things figured out, but it's also bringing up a lot of the past at the same time. I know there are a lot of things I need to look at, but damn this focusing on myself thing is a lot harder than I imagined it would be. And it's not the most painless process.

I think I'm afraid I'm going to be permanently stuck in this low level depressed feeling and never get out. I had a wonderful weekend away with my sister and felt great. Energetic, happy, hopeful, normal eating patterns, not sleeping too much, it was great. Now I'm back at home and I'm right where I was before we went.

I have vacations planned for the summer and have a lot of day trips I want to take, but again, I feel stuck and overwhelmed, and end up doing nothing except what I have to to get through the day. Sleep seems to be my only peace when I feel like this. Thankfully it isn't always, but is this normal and please, if it is, tell me it goes away?

Maudcat

I think you are grieving the loss of the relationship and the life you expected to have. Totally okay to be sad. It will pass.

Ariesagain

Grieving is a non-linear process...you go forward, back, and sideways among the stages of anger, denial, mourning, and acceptance.

Be kind to yourself, yes? It hasn't been that long, really. You will reach a point in time where it will be just one bittersweet moment among the many memories in your life and you won't think about it much at all.

You're doing the right things. It just takes longer than we'd like.

Sending you a hug.

Ann

I agree with those above that the pain you feel is the grief you are processing.

To get from where you were to where you are going to be requires a time of "in between", a place where you heal and reassess who you are and what you want from life, where you process grief and renew your spirit and energy.

When the time is right, you will be ready to move forward, to a better place of new tomorrows and all the goodness life has to offer.

Hugs

CelticStorm

Thank you, everyone. I feel much better hearing that this is part of the process. It makes perfect sense that the grief needs to be processed. I was willing the pain and grief to end when I made the hard decision to call it quits. I knew that wouldn't really be the case, but I was hoping.

I went to my friend's house for a cup of coffee and we chatted for a bit. Just like all of you, she basically said the same and that she thinks I'm doing really well considering. And it's true, it hasn't been that long, although it sometimes seems like a lifetime ago.

It's just so crazy to have your life so deeply intertwined with someone else's one day, and literally the next day, your lives are so seperate and apart it almost feels like none of it was real. Like did they ever really exist? Did any of it exist? Did we really make plans to spend the rest of our lives together? Did we really live here and share this house and everything in it at one time? It's all so hard to come to solid terms with.

Sodevastated

Hi there Celtic,

I felt the urge to write you something. I'm experiencing feelings of depression too and I know it feels good to know you're not the only one feeling this way.

" I kind of hated him almost, and I hate to say that. It's so hard to reconcile loving, yet hating, the same person. And I'm not sure I'll ever get over the fact that instead of straightening out, he choose drugs. I know addicts do this, but it doesn't make it any less mind blowing that someone would give up the person that loved and stood by them, a great home, and everything that most people strive for in a relationship for a bottle of damn pills. God forgive me, but I hate him for this".

I can totally relate to these feelings. It really is hard to understand how our partners can and will choose drugs over a fantastic life with a fantastic, supportive partner, a life that is healthy and good for them,while drugs are destructive. What I've learnt on SR is that yes, an addict is an addict BUT they have the choice to quit and stay sober even though it's hard. Some addicts just*aren't willing to quit, no matter how fantastic their normal life might be.They want to do drugs and they choose drugs. My AH said his life finally had a meaning when he met me, that God brought us together and that he wanted to grow old with me and have a child. He got clean and we got pregnant, married and bought a place of our own. Then one night he suddenly passed away and the autopsy revealed he had OD'ed.* He lied to me and lived a double life for months. He chose to start using drugs again after months of sobriety and I had no idea ( didn't live together). He had manipulated me the whole time. I gave him money cuz he worked part time so he could work on his sobriety and he used it on drugs and slot machines. How wonderful. He had even talked to others about death before he died so he was aware of that it could happen, and still he chose drugs and put me at the risk of suffering. And I suffer tremendously and my financial situation is disastrous. I hate my AH, just like you hate your xbf because he put me through hell,* fully aware of what he was doing. I hate him for what he did, that he made me suffer and because he was irresponsible and abandoned his son. My AH made his choice but I'm the one who has to live with the consequences of his actions. You have all the right to hate your bf. He's hurt you and he had the choice to stop using, but he didn't.

I'm so sorry you're hurting but I believe, like the others who posted that it will get better with time. Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling and if you don't feel like doing anything, that's also fine. 9 months have passed since my AH passed and I'm struggling with the same issues. Try to do small things like taking a walk or eating something you enjoy or whatever that might be. Try to hang out with people who understand you and who make you feel better. Seeing people has been my biggest issue. I just want to cave.

Reach out to others on SR- it has been tremendously helpful to me. I've learnt so much about addiction and got the support and advice from others who know what addiction is and how addicts work. Other people just wouldn't have understood. They would only have been judgemental. Take a day at a time and survive it. Don't think too much about the future cuz it will make you depressed and anxious. We cannot effect what is to come anyhow. Taking a day at time will make you feel better little by little. Take small steps and see what will come your way.

I think you have dodged a massive bullet. You did the right thing. Just look at me and my situation. You won't have to experience anything like that or years of suffering like many other members here on SR. What I've learnt and realized is that the outcome with any addict is negative. It is very very rare there will be a fairy tale ending with an addict and that is so sad. No matter what we do or how fantastic we and our lives together with them are, the will chose drugs and relapse over and over again.

You've saved yourself from that. It might be hard seeing it that way right now, but you will with time. I hope you will meat a great guy without addiction problems. With what I've learnt and experienced since my AH died I would not advice anyone to enter a relationship with an addict. I would just say RUN and SAVE yourself cuz your going to get masively hurt.

Try to take care of, and do things for yourself and recover from this. Read books on codependancy -Codependant No More, by Melody Beattie and a book I'm rereading at the moment* ( trying to work on my own codependancy ), Women Who Love Too Much, by Robin Norwood. I hope I will learn things and* that it will help me to never ever get into a relationship where I might get hurt, and that you will do so too.

Please take care of yourself and feel free to email me if you want to.

Sorry for the lengthy post.

Sending you love and blessings // SoDev