Twoyearssober

I appreciate very much the different points that everyone has to offer.

I understand that there is not a one size fits all approach to anything, so having people see different angles to the same situation is very refreshing. Glad we're not all the same...

It's difficult to say which came first, the ADHD or the alcoholism. It's like the chicken and the egg conundrum, since ADHD people if not on medication seem to find a way to "self medicate," and he's done that his whole life, starting from chocolate/ food as a child, dip/alcohol as a teen, more alcohol/smoking/ drugs in college and young adulthood.

I caught him following g his divorce, at a come to Jesus moment, when he had supposedly given all that up way before I entere the picture, but since neither of us understood ANYTHING about addictions, needless to say, none of his efforts stuck. His dad smoked and drank but was one of those people who one day just decided to quit, and did, so I guess that's what we thought all people did... wrong.

HRA knew that I wouldn't date or marry anyone who smoke or drank etc. so when the infatuation of the relationship wore off, we were married by then, he started back in with the dipping, but tried to hide it so he could do it and "wouldn't hurt me." Plus in his world, everybody did it, them it was ok. But then we had the trust issue come up and once again, since we knew nothing at the time about ADHD or addictions, I didn't know the struggle he was facing. I always said I would support him in recovery of those things, but he always refused my help. I guess because he really wasn't ready to give it all up.

We didn't know about ADHD until his daughters were diagnosed with it, and then looked back at his life and the light bulbs started to go off.

I didn't get enough therapy after my first divorce, and since I was a daughter of a gambler, same thing, and so was attracted to same kind of guy as the first. Thought he was different as first husband was controlling, second let me do whatever I wanted, although come to find out that also meant doing everything for him too.

When we were both practicing our Christian faith, things were good, but then when we didn't things got bad, add a horrible custody battle from my ex and his, plus a bankruptcy and disabling back injury following a car accident for husband, and anyone without extremely amazing coping skills would be driven to drink. In fact every counselor we saw would be amazed that we hadn't both jumped off a bridge, but RAH was coping by drinking, I just didn't know it yet.

So when recovery started 2 years ago, I was hopeful that he was ready to work on his issues, and he started off with a bang, graduating top of his classes in outpatient therapy, but "it only works if you work it." And he fell into lapses with other addictions, like t.v. , now you tube and constantly has ear phones in listening to something while home.

So, I have spent the last 5-6 years really in my own recovery, and now am pretty objective about the whole thing.

I don't want to stay in a marriage for the sake of marriage, because then it's just a joining of property and not anything Christian at all, because that would require the spouses giving to each other, listening to each other, attempting to understand each other. And right now it seems he's just stuck I the alcoholic rut.

Actually, there didn't seem to be anything in the big book, or any stories at AA meetings, or any advice from therapists to tell the alcoholic what to do when his family wasn't so angry at him that they were making his life miserable. No one had a situation where the wife actually was loving and accepting and wanted to help him in his recovery.

So then it was like the situation became reversed. All of a sudden he resented me, and didn't know if he could forgive me for all the wrongs? I did for him, when the whole time I should have had some huge resentments against him for the past 10 years of hell he put me through.

Yes, he was the baby of the family, and openly would say how he could manipulate people. So he constantly would turn the situation around where he would always end up the victim of the situation, even if it started that he had done something to hurt me. Another childhood wound to address and recover from....

I know that he has a lot of issues to work out, we all do, but at some time the goal is to emotionally mature so that we can start giving to others around us instead of simply just taking from others.

And he was lucky enough to have someone who actually wanted to grow with him, yet its like he wants to bite the hand that feeds him.

Why is that? Why can't two people get together who actually want to both give to each other?

It seems that I don't hear a lot of those stories. It's all about one spouse doing everything they can and the other taking them for granted. Maybe it's human nature, but I would hope that if I was shown kindness, that I wouldn't take it for granted.

I love the quote from the big book where Bill W. says..."Since the home has suffered more than anything else, it is well that a man exert himself there. He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof. We know there are difficult wives and families, but the man who is getting over alcoholism must remember he did much to make them so."