Redheadsusie

Well I would like to say the divorce is proceeding- I guess it is slowly- AH is trying to get alimony from me - trying to get all of the equity out of the house - trying to get my boat - basically fighting me on everything - I do have an attorney - we are close to him being forced to sell the house with me as he can't buy me out as he has no job- he was surprised nobody would loan him money -- wth- to top it off my youngest got a job - recent grad and moves an hour away in the next 2 weeks- super proud of him but that leaves me alone in this rural river community with AH living across the street until the house is sold - I pay all of the bills here - I support myself 100% and the house - he lives for free at a very expensive house and has 2 boats and 2 cars that I helped buy- I know - concentrate on your self - I get that - but my anger is so deep - I want to walk away from the house and let him pay for it for a while- I want to move out of this neighborhood where I have to see him most every day- where all of his drunk friends and family won't speak to me and give me dirty looks- I actually flipped someone the bird today in traffic - now I am so ashamed - my chest hurts - I cry all the time - and I mean all the time - I am sick of myself - Maybe I don't deserve anyone like he said - maybe I will be alone forever - I have never lived alone and it will hit in 2 weeks and I am scared - I have no family here with my son leaving- very few friends as I gave them up for AH. I have really screwed my life up and am very ashamed to say the least. I sit here crying and just wanted to text ah and tell him I hate him but I won't- I need to get it together as my real estate is suffering and if I cant work I won't have a penny to my name - I don't have a Mommy and Daddy like he does to take care of me. I am a freaking mess and if I was my friend I would not want to be around me - I look like crap I am trying to read positive stuff and get back to my faith but I am in too sad and angry and messed up - Please send some positive thoughts to me - I know this is best I do - I am happy to have a alcohol free home but questioning why I always seem to get **** on.............always.... so much for being positive. screw it.................