Crabby and Angry....but Sober
Tomorrow will be 4 weeks since I had a drink. For the most part, I have done well with minimal effort using RR, exercise, and a healthy diet.
The last few of days have been bad. I am soooooooo crabby and viciously angry. No amount of exercise is getting rid of this mood. My beast is certainly latching on to my mood and using it against me. For the last few days, I end it being surprised that I am still in control. It is pretty bad. It is everything and nothing that sets me off. I hide away from my husband so I do not take it out on him. He does not deserve that. He has been amazingly patient with me.
I HATE feeling like this. I cannot concentrate and nothing interests me. This is the 2nd night in a row I refused to cook dinner for fear I will smash something if it does not go right. I literally want to smash things and scream at the top of my lungs. I seriously need to go back to work, but am terrified of the stress my profession heaps on me. I had to leave my last job because I could not handle it. Of course, I was hungover every day as well.
The truth is, I have been getting high on and off since I was 14 years old. I am now 48. I think the only drug I have not used is heroin. I stopped hard drugs many, many years ago and managed to get a college education and a good career. I still like pot A LOT, but can control that urge. I have had years of total abstinence from everything and then years of all out benders. I do not handle stress well and have anger issues. I am just in the habit of reaching for something when I feel like this to take the edge off. Now I have to deal, and it is not pretty I assure you. I want to get out of the house but am too afraid to leave. I just have not felt in control the last few days at all.
I am hoping tomorrow is a better day.