So many awesome replies! Thank you.
I have tried everything over the years, being the best drinking buddy ever- in early marriage, sobriety, not bringing any alcohol into the house, only drinking socially, etc… One thing that hasn't changed is HIM.
I really don’t enjoy it anymore. Occasionally, like recently, I had the idea to indulge in some wine…I didn't even enjoy it. Didn't even finish the glass. I just can’t “let loose” letting loose haha. I don't value being able to drink very high, as it's a zero priority...seeing what I see and dealing with AH. I just want to be “normal” and not over think every dang move I make. And try and always be the “good guy”… I am no saint... but I want to be able to tell myself that I am being the best person possible even if this relationship is not going anywhere good. And his addiction will always be in his life.