My side of the street

Old 01-03-2017, 04:40 PM
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My side of the street

Just seeking some clarification on the topic of consuming alcohol/marijuana use by the non-addict spouse. (Me in this scenario.)

I bought my first bottle of wine a few weeks ago at a girls night out.
I opened it for the first time this weekend, decided to have glass while reading. I didn't even finish it lol. Also, MJ is legal in my state, and I do partake in that responsibly. It helps me with anxiety(gee wonder why?) and sleep when needed and I never use while driving/caring for kids etc.

My question is, do I have "permission" to do this, all the while expecting AH to stop?

I probably have one adult beverage a month. MJ weekly.
Always responsibly. No addiction or dependence etc.

One time in an argument, with AH, this was thrown at me "well YOU do x,y, z so....."

Just wanting clarity on this. Guilty conscience. Working on my personal inventory...
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Old 01-03-2017, 04:59 PM
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You are an adult and are allowed to do whatever you want, as long as you aren't breaking the law. Only you can give yourself "permission."

You're not an addict, your husband is. Both of you are adults. All actions have consequences. It seems that one of the consequences of you partaking in drugs and alcohol is that your husband will try to use it to score points against you. He is telling you that he doesn't have to quit because you are not an addict. A-Logic at its finest. It's up to you what you do with that.

If your husband was actually making the slightest effort to recover and asked you to refrain from drugs and alcohol, I probably would respond differently.

But I'm guessing that isn't at all what's happening here?
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Old 01-03-2017, 05:19 PM
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Sparklekitty:

Yes, that is correct. He is nowhere near thinking about recovery. I am just trying to not be a hypocrite I guess. No addiction here, and have gone years abstaining from alcohol in order to silently set an example and have a dry home on my part. That did zero good. So occasionally I will indulge now that I am not nursing, or taking care of babies all night long haha.
Thank you for your input!
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Old 01-03-2017, 05:23 PM
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Well, you could always stop and at least remove it as a point of discussion?

Not that it will likely make any difference...
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Old 01-03-2017, 06:12 PM
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Personally, I think drinking or getting high in the COMPANY of an alcoholic/addict is a form of enabling. It is one more "excuse" for his drinking.

If you are out with friends and want to have a drink or a smoke, that's different, to me.

Don't get me wrong--I don't think your drinking/smoking would be the REASON he drinks, but it just would make me uncomfortable. I was my second husband's drinking buddy up until he almost died from his drinking. At that point I stopped drinking in his presence, even when he went back to it. Just didn't feel right.

I also think it's considerate to avoid drinking around an alcoholic in early recovery, or any sober alcoholic who is made uncomfortable by it. My first husband eventually was secure enough in his sobriety he didn't mind if we were out and I had a drink. He didn't want me keeping it in the house, though, and I respected that. I feel the same way, after eight years sober. Don't want it in my house.
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Old 01-03-2017, 06:52 PM
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man that's a sticky wicket.....

on the one hand, you have begged and implored HIM to stop drinking. meaning FOR GOOD. permanent sobriety. no more, not a drop ever.

but he hasn't exactly been DOING that.

from my own EH&S, which is different as we were both addicts.....once i made the decision to QUIT smoking crack forever, i hoped hank would "join" me - but he wasn't there yet. he wasn't ready. but for me to say, well ok then, let's make the call and let it happen would have been completely hypocritical on MY part, as i had made an Out Loud proclamation of my intent.

there was one time.....after one of his infamous birthday bashes here at the house - his excuse to act like an idiot, oops i mean narcissistic teenager - where i would recuse myself to the bedroom and not engage - somehow our damn DEALER was invited and there was a bunch of coke. the next morning, eveyrone gone, hank was in pretty rough shape, and pulled out a small baggie of powder. he looked at me with really sad eyes and said, can you help me make this go away?

he didn't mean THROW it away, he meant carve up a couple lines and do it. i knew that the small amount of dope wouldn't send me into a spiral - i'd spent the night absolutely raging, altho silently against the whole PARTY thing. so i agreed, we each did one line and it was gone.

and since that time he hasn't even tried to find/get/do anymore. it wasn't his BOTTOM, it was just the end of the road. he was ready to be done. he sat there, alone, after the "bash" was over and everyone had gone to their own homes, and all he could think about was a tiny bit of drug leftover. and he knew he didn't want that crap to rule over him anymore. a mere 20+ years later.............

i don't know if that helps or just confuses things. best i got.....
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Old 01-03-2017, 07:43 PM
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If he were allergic to strawberries do you think he would have issue with you partaking? It does not appear you are rubbing anything in his face. He is just looking for something. Don't buy into it. He is the one that needs to change, not you.
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Old 01-03-2017, 10:59 PM
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I am not an alcoholic but ten years ago I poured out all the alcohol in the house. There are a few unopened bottles in the back of a cabinet, memento stuff, jamaican rum from our honeymoon, a bottle of champagne from The wedding, another from France, stuff like that. All sealed and unopened for years (We've been married 24+years). I have not had beer in our fridge for years. I am the only one in our marriage who isnt drinking in our house. AH has it hidden all over the house! About three years ago I bought a six pack, drank it in about a week. I didnt enjoy drinking in front of him. His drinking actually got worse. It was part experiment/part why do I have to give up alcohol when it's his problem? But in the end I didnt enjoy and his behavior has put me off alcohol so much that I just dont drink at home anymore ever. (One bottle of champagne every new years eve split amongst three people , AH not included yet still "magically drunk" come midnight.). So for me its just not worth it to have it in the fridge. I am working on not searching for the buried treasure but as his alcoholism progresses to three day verbally abusive benders it gets harder to stay detached.
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Old 01-04-2017, 05:41 AM
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thousandwords...since he is not working a diligent program toward recovery.....It feels to me like he is looking for some excuse to not stop drinking......

Even if you went totally abstainent, I suspect that he would find another rationalization. His "alcoholic voice " is whispering to him....."You deserve to drink" "You deserve to be a normal drinker"
I, also, suspect that he resents you for trying to come between him and his ability to drink as he wishes...All alcoholics resent everyone and everything that comes between them and their alcohol.....

It feels like he is fighting with you (he is),,,,but, his big battle is actually between himself and the "alcoholic voice"...the voice of his disease.....
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Old 01-04-2017, 06:05 AM
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So many good points of view here. I tend to err on the abstinent side.

Personally, I wish prohibition had never been repealed. I believe the only good to come from alcohol, is an occasional ingredient in cooking (wine).
I think the legalization of marijuana is another facet of our culture eroding.

As with the programs, you can take what you want here and leave the rest, but your consumption of these substances puts you at risk for addiction too.

Last edited by Eauchiche; 01-04-2017 at 06:05 AM. Reason: typo
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Old 01-04-2017, 09:45 AM
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I do not drink or have alcohol when in the presence of someone that is in recovery, is trying, or should be. It isn't that important to me and it sucks the fun out of it for me anyway. I did drink a lot with my ex up until the last year or so. I don't drink around him anymore although we are very rarely around each other.

I've never had to decide if I would drink while out and came home to someone that couldn't or shouldn't. I probably would unless someone that was in *real* recovery asked me not to.

You are an adult and can choose to do whatever you want. You are not responsible for his drinking or choices no matter what you choose to do. He and he alone is responsible for his choices and behavior.

It really sounds like excuse making and deflection to me and that makes a difference on how I would react. I'll also say that I live alone so any choice I make is for an event, not my daily life. That also makes it different. I had a dry Thanksgiving. I would have ordinarily drank something but I could not have cared less if I had drinks so it was easy to let it go for another day.
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Old 01-04-2017, 10:02 AM
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So many awesome replies! Thank you.

I have tried everything over the years, being the best drinking buddy ever- in early marriage, sobriety, not bringing any alcohol into the house, only drinking socially, etc… One thing that hasn't changed is HIM.
I really don’t enjoy it anymore. Occasionally, like recently, I had the idea to indulge in some wine…I didn't even enjoy it. Didn't even finish the glass. I just can’t “let loose” letting loose haha. I don't value being able to drink very high, as it's a zero priority...seeing what I see and dealing with AH. I just want to be “normal” and not over think every dang move I make. And try and always be the “good guy”… I am no saint... but I want to be able to tell myself that I am being the best person possible even if this relationship is not going anywhere good. And his addiction will always be in his life.
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Old 01-04-2017, 10:12 AM
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Since drinking isn't important to you, there is no point in doing it, except to make a point--which is lost on the alcoholic, and does nothing for you, personally.

If you feel the need to express your independence, I'd find a different way of doing it.

My two cents.
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Old 01-04-2017, 10:29 AM
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Thank you Lexie.

If I have to think about it too much ...it is just not worth it to me.
Just...nah.
Need to stay true to me, for me.
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