It changed when I went into recovery....
The first night I went to a meeting... in real life...
And people were talking about things that I did and that I felt ashamed about...
And I heard about ... how.. all this stuff is generational... it's passed on... how we relate... the lies... non love... abuse.... wrongful coping ways.. all the bad stuff....
and they said it wasn't my fault...
that it wasn't that these people didn't love me... or that they went out of their way to hurt me... or that they were evil or that I somehow deserved it because I was somehow... "wrong".... a mistake of some sort... not put together right...
It was that they were carrying their own burden of insanity that was then passed on to me ... but they did the best they could...
They talked about the 12 steps... about letting go... about turning my life over to a power greater than myself.... and that I got to pick the God of my understanding...
So.. that night.. I chose to believe in a loving God.. that gave us free will... but also a direct link to him in the form of intuition if I kept the connection open....
And that's as simple as it's always been for me from that moment...
I've turned away from God a coupla times in my recovery... and I fell .. fast... so... I know that I need God in my life cause I just feel right then... and I don't feel so alone...