Wow. Your post just blew me away. I am glad you felt free to freely express yourself. You are among friends, and welcome! Oh my, I can feel your pain and tragedy. .. And it feels like a big rip-off, doesn't it? But, you know, you are worthy of being fully loved back, you really are. He is not the one to do that though. And I know it really sucks it out of you when you spend so much of yourself taking care of others. It's so important right now that you somehow find a way or find various little ways of taking care of yourself. We are here for you.