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Wife of an addict

Old 12-28-2016, 03:44 PM
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Wife of an addict

I wrote this because I needed to put my feeling out on paper. This is not to say my way of thinking is correct but these are my feelings nothing more. This is my story nothing more. This is my horror story of love and alcohol and a family ripped apart.
As I sit here and wonder what all happened to make it all slip away from me. Myself, my husband, my family. I have no clue where it all went wrong. He was the love of my life I trusted him with everything. And for the longest time I felt like I was nothing. I wanted to stay so badly but that would ensure the suffering would continue. As he helped himself try to get better I was an anchor of pain and resentment. For all that feared from my past and become my future as hard as I escaped that life before him, I would have never expected in a million years it would have become my future with him. Now I fear what is left for me, myself do I have the strength to move on and accept all that is and allow myself to love again. The pain has hardened my chest and stops my breathing. I do miss my family all that was created by us coming together has one. I can’t imagine allowing him back in and entrusting him with my heart again. I do love him with everything even though I keep telling myself I don’t and can’t ever look backwards. It’s too painful. And it is painful.
Trying to find all the broken pieces of myself and put them back together one by one. No one can fix me but me. No one can love me but me at this time. I have the power to make myself whole again but scared that as I do, I will awake to nothing. But nothing is all I have, as grateful as I am for my family and boys. I do wonder what will further slip away from me. The resentment is still there and all the pain that goes with that. And the control he still has to hurt me and continue to tear me down to nothing.
And that hot summer night when the last thread was pulled in our marriage. The question that I finally was faced with by him and I could no longer put on the fake smile and say everything is okay. Because it wasn’t and hadn’t been for a long time. It was the elephant in the room. No one spoke of it and no one noticed the true pain I was in watching him drink himself stupid night after night while missing out of everything then accusing me of being a complete bitch. As I ran myself into the ground walking on eggshells, taking the kids to and from whatever activity, cleaning inside the house, doing yard work, and working long hours and long weeks. Yes he worked and went to school. But would complain about anything and everything outside of that as if he has better stuff to do. Each simple task took hours because he needed to drink while doing so. Each break consisted of several beers then back to work. One project would take days and nothing else would be taken care. At this point I’d be in trouble because I was too exhausted to cook but the kids were feed and the house work was done.
The drinking may have stopped but will the expectations that I am a one women show that can handle everything on my own. The point of me leaving was I already was a single parent I might as well be one entirely because at least then I have no one to blame but myself and the pain can stop and the smile can be real again. The joy of my children would be real again. The person I was before would return.
You see here that person can never come back again. A new person, a stronger person might appear but I will have guards up and caution to anyone that enters my life as friend or foe. I once entrusted a single person with my heart and that heart can never be whole again. As I ask myself will the new person who has endured so much in life continue to be the strong women she was or will she just hide out and be too scared to step out the door again? Will this women still have a heart or will it be cold and jaded?
To those who look down on me for what they say “is taking the easy way out” have no clue what I stood by and for how long I stood by waiting for the day he would wake up to the pain I was feeling and the hurt deep inside. But anytime I would speak up the throw down bash would start between us. There was no more talking just screaming and yelling and who could make the final jab to the other’s ego. To the point staying quiet was the only option and never speaking unless spoken to, the drinking was always the issue but until he woke up to that nothing would have changed. Unfortunately that day came when my heart was so badly damaged and cold I couldn’t bear to believe any of it was true or would last.
That day when he asked if I even cared was the day I realized I wanted out and I was done although I told him that I wanted time and space, which for several weeks he didn’t give me anything. I stayed for a month in the house. The resentment grew to a level I didn’t think was possible the hatred took over. I kept saying give me time knowing that time wouldn’t fix this hurt inside me not under the same roof. I asked him to be gone when I came home from vacation which he was but that didn’t stop the daily drop by. So I left with my boys and moved out knowing that I probably would never be back even though I told him all we need is time. I wanted him to stop telling me he loved me and missed me. I wanted him to show me, I needed actions words were hallowed and empty. He asked me how and what can he do but with that also came ultimatums from him. He wanted an answer now and wanted me to go to counseling which I wasn’t against I just knew that all the hatred and anger would not allow me to hear what I needed to hear. I needed time to get to that point. He didn’t want to wait.
The pain and hatred just kept growing; I never felt so much hate toward someone before. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and found a lawyer; this however is no easy way out. This puts me right back where I started before I met him only now with two boys and being all alone. Nowhere does this scream easy, easy would be to go back and just fake being a happy wife so that the kids would be happy. The kids weren’t happy though. The kids always fought and started to resent us because we couldn’t get along and they started to take advantage of me as they watch him do and started to speak to me as he would with little to no respect.
So yes here I am now. Wondering is it possible to look backwards and change the future and is it possible to fall back in love with that one person all over again. The challenge is now that you have both become two totally different people after all these events in the last couple of years. How do you move forward when you both love one another but both feel so much pain and hurt from each other? The people we once were when we fell in love the first time is not anywhere close to who we are today.
The effects on a family from addiction are so painful and exhausting. The person who has the addiction has to face theirs demons but the rest of us have to face and get over being the punching bag, the one manipulated, the one taken for granted, the one that took the blame, the one who was blamed for all their downfalls, we have a tough road from emotional abuse. I say to myself why couldn’t he just hit me at least that pain fades, this pain holds on for dear life and makes you question everything about yourself. Am I worthily of love? Am I just on this earth to help those in need; and when their need for me is over so I am in their life, am I just here to help and move on to the next and always be alone. I wonder was any of it ever real, was the love real.
My heart races each time I allow myself to think about all these things. And know that we both have so much more self-work before we can even think about us. Maybe someday we will have the answers and we can find our way back to each other.
But this I do know addiction destroys happy people no matter how hard we try to fight along aside. And no one has the right to judge those on the other side of the addiction we might not be addicted to anything but we have felt those side affection all the way to our souls.
Looking back on the events before the split, I heard things like if you aren’t happy then just file for divorce we weren’t even married six months before I heard those words. All I did was go to bed because I was tired of neglect and feeling alone. But since all the problems he was facing became my fault. When I finally had enough I didn’t give him time to change and prove to me because all I heard was ultimatum. That I needed to make a decision now whether I want a divorce or be with him. My anger and rage was so high that I worked out and worked out just to control it. He didn’t care how much pain I was in, it was only his pain that he cared about and unfortunately I did not care about his pain either. We were so both badly hurt and so much damage was done through words. It’s hard to forget words that sting so deep into the heart and soul. All I wanted was to save myself and take time to see if I had the strength to forgive and move on. Still to this day, I don’t know that we can ever get back to where we were before all this happened. Maybe we can be stronger or maybe it’s time to let go.
My heart still aches for him and for our family. But since that day even more damage has been done. He moved a woman in who is in need but not only moved her. I wasn’t even out of the house for 4 months she has taken over our house and my space and my oldest son’s space. He has involved this woman in family functions as well as Christmas morning with our son. I can’t even begin to describe this pain it has caused me as I still love him and miss my family there is another women in my place and our divorce papers don’t even have ink on them. He tells me there is nothing more than helping a friend who is in need and was homeless. But at what point does that include Christmas with our son when her mother lives in town. I didn’t think it was possible for him to break me down anymore and yet tell me that he didn’t even think I cared. When all I have done is shown I care, I might not have said it to give him power over me, but I have always been there when he needs me.
This is either the last step of moving on or it’s the step of holding on so dear that I can’t breathe. All I know is that neither one of us have repaired our damages enough to get back together completely. I still need to move out of my parents into my own place and continue to work on me. I need to see that he cares and no longer hear that he cares. Words are only words after so long of hearing them. Actions need to be taken and as he has said he doesn’t know how to show me that I matter and that he loves me. So there may not be hope for us but I can’t let that be the end in my head at this time.
This didn’t just affect our son who is 4 years old. He had two children and I had one when we met. I raised his two children as the mother is selfish and concerned about her and what people will do for her and the kids are merely a pawn in her games. My husband was a drunk. I love them with all my heart and was there for them for 5 years. My son, who had always been raised by a single mother. We had 4 children together and the pain my son is going through is horrible missing his family. And our 4 year old is looking at me like daddy just replaced you and now I can’t walk out of a room without him crying because he thinks I will leave him. Yet that is farthest from the truth, it’s always been us. He was scared of his dad for so long because of the drinking he would only let me do anything and everything for him and always had to be with me. These reasons alone make it hard to go back to my life because I don’t want any more damage done to the children then already has been done. These are also the reasons I want my family back because all 4 of their faces make my day just that much brighter.
This issue with addiction and the effects on the family run so deep and are not black and white and can’t be fixed overnight. They should never come with ultimatums either. That only further pushes those away that love you. Pushing those to make decisions they wouldn’t normally make because the hurt is what is driving them not the love. And for a long time the hurt and pain will drive those emotions and it takes time for the love to come back into play.
We all were affected by this disease and we all have to heal in our own way. Never in my wildest dreams did I think this is where I would be. And still I don’t want to be here. When I said I do I meant it and I met for better or worse but the worse was hell and slowly killing me. I was no longer happy with myself and tired of the put downs and mental abuse. All that created was me having short temper with the children, with life and that wasn’t fair anyone. This is why I had to go. I have to make sure I was the best person I could be for my boys and for myself. My love for my husband never faltered but I couldn’t see it and show it because the walls I created to keep the pain and anger at bay stopped all emotions from surfacing. I am good at hiding my pain from all people around me. I can put on a happy face and smile through everything. I can be supportive person and put all my issues aside to help those in need. Unfortunately with that I get a flood of emotions one day that I can’t control and this is finally when the love for my husband comes back to me.
I don’t know what my future holds for me and my family. Maybe that faithful day in June was the end of the story for us. I don’t know, I can only hope and pray that what life/God has instore for us makes all this pain worth it. I hope that has happened wasn’t for nothing. Most days I believe I the person that is drawn to those who need help. These people find me and pull me in and once they are at a point of no return and hit rock bottom and able to change their life around their need for me is over. I’m a passerby in people’s lives. No one ever needs me for the long haul. Maybe this is my tragedy, my endless love for people and helping them and trying to find the good in all people. But never fully being loved back.
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Old 12-28-2016, 10:20 PM
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Welcome Broken
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Old 12-28-2016, 10:34 PM
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Hello,Broken.. This is why I read the friends/family section of this site..To get a grasp of the 'carnage' my drinking has caused..Good luck to you and your family.
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Old 12-28-2016, 10:44 PM
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Welcome to SR Broken. I'm so sorry for all that you've gone through and for the pain that you continue to have.

Have you considered going to Al-Anon? There will be many people there who have had similar experiences.

Alcoholism affects the whole family and can have devastating consequences. For your ex-husband, his need to drink came before everything else. Only he can change that, there would have been nothing about you that could have done it for you.

I really hope that in time you will be able to rebuild your life for you and your son and find your peace.
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Old 12-28-2016, 11:42 PM
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Broken- welcome. Your narrative tell sa lot. If you read it back it may surprise you. Your ex drank, emotionally abused you, was a poor role model and then moved another woman into your home. What is in the past needs to stay there. You need to look forward for your life and those of your children. It is beyond my ken to offer advice on this complex narrative. I would suggest you think about talking to someone- a therapist, whoever to help sort out your emotions.
Stay safe. My prayers to you and your children and for your ex. Keep posting and reading. PJ
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Old 12-28-2016, 11:44 PM
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Wow. Your post just blew me away. I am glad you felt free to freely express yourself. You are among friends, and welcome! Oh my, I can feel your pain and tragedy. .. And it feels like a big rip-off, doesn't it? But, you know, you are worthy of being fully loved back, you really are. He is not the one to do that though. And I know it really sucks it out of you when you spend so much of yourself taking care of others. It's so important right now that you somehow find a way or find various little ways of taking care of yourself. We are here for you.
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Old 12-29-2016, 10:12 AM
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Welcome to the Forum Broken!!
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Old 12-29-2016, 11:45 AM
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May I respectfully ask why you aren't in your own house with your children?

He is the abusive alcoholic, no? Why is he the full time parent, or am I missing something?

big hugs and welcome
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Old 12-29-2016, 11:54 AM
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Welcome, Broken. And thank you for sharing. It's good for me to read stuff like this. Makes me think long and hard.
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Old 12-29-2016, 11:54 AM
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Thank you all for the warm welcome. I have been writing for months now trying to work through my emotions. But still felt alone which is crazy since I live with my parents and my boys.

This battle is unlike anything I have ever gone through. When I met my husband, I was a single mother of a 4 year old. My son's father had a drinking problem as well. I called off our wedding just months before and we had been together 7 years. So my husband knew how I felt about drinking. It's one thing in a social setting or a drink here or there after a bad day no big deal.

We were amazing and very much in love. Things were going great we were expecting a child. We started to look for a house and found the prefect house for us. Shortly after we moved into our house and I was very pregnant with our son. Of course as all new homeowners, the house started to fight back and one problem after another. My job shut down money was tight. This is when the drinking started. It didn't go bad all at once. But over time no matter what I said it just kept getting worse. And the worst part is he knew my fear of what drinking/addiction can do to a family. We were together for over 5 years and split just before our 2 year wedding anniversary.

My husband was no longer was the man I was in love with, I didn't even know him. I think that is what makes this the most painful. The man who once was all about me and the family became a very selfish man who turned blame on to everyone around him for his wrongs. Don't get me wrong I'm far from prefect. When pushed into a corner and be very cold hearted and use words to really sting down deep. I am not proud of some of the things I said. I know that gave him more doubt and even less self-esteem. I just wanted him to feel the pain he was causing us. And after the blow out fights. I would beg for the drinking to stop. But when he wasn't drinking he was even more angry with me.

Again thank you for the warm welcome and no judgement
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Old 12-29-2016, 12:01 PM
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He is in the house. He has his two children from his previous marriage. He has custody of their son and she has custody of their daughter. I have custody of my son previous to him and since there is no threat to our son together we have joint custody. Although he was mentally abusive to me. He really paid no attention to the children and in the courts mental abuse is very hard to prove. There is no physical marks therefore nothing happened. I worked in mental health for years. But since we were married the courts will start with joint custody. But I do stop by all the time and call my son to check in on him.

He is sober has been for 6 months. And goes to AA now and that is under our temp agreement with the courts for him to continue regular visitations. I left the house because no matter what he would stop by daily and wouldn't give me the time I needed to heal while he worked through some of his issues at AA.
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