Feel like I'm slipping
I'm not really sure if this is the appropriate place to post this but here goes.
I have a dual diagnosis of bipolar II, GAD, and alcohol addiction. Staying sober is really ******* hard right now. I've been sober for a little over 2 weeks, and this isn't the first time I've tried to remain sober. This time, I decided to get sober bc I blacked out after drinking too much and grabbed the steering wheel of the car on the highway, while my husband was driving (don't remember at all) and when we got home I proceeded to act belligerent and very angry. I (was told) was yelling at the top of my lungs outside, saying **** this, **** that, possibly pissed myself, walked to my father's house in the middle of the night.. Overall, a horrible experience that I felt extremely guilty for and horrible for treating my husband that way. I woke up feeling like ****, called my husband who was gone, and the first thing he says is, "do you remember last night".. which is when my stomach dropped and he started telling me what happened until I started sobbing and asked him to please stop.
I know I shouldn't drink anymore. This isn't the first time I've blacked out, and it's not the first time I've lashed out and been completely inappropriate. I am craving alcohol so badly that it scares me. I can feel myself rationalizing why it's okay to just have one, and I'm pretty convincing. I don't want to end up like my mother, or my drunk uncle, or any of my other ****** up family members. I'm scared, I'm alone in this whole "alcoholic" thing, as I know no one else going through this, especially being 25. Drinking is everywhere you go. It's so acceptable. My friends and family try to be supportive, but I feel like they unintentionally trivialize what I'm going through. My anxiety makes me terrified to go to AA, so I'm trying to gain support wherever I can right now. The anxiety I have is so intense right now bc I'm no longer curbing it with the booze. This is hard, I feel alone, and I don't want to drink but I want to drink more than anything.