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Feel like I'm slipping

Old 12-22-2016, 12:56 PM
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Question Feel like I'm slipping

I'm not really sure if this is the appropriate place to post this but here goes.

I have a dual diagnosis of bipolar II, GAD, and alcohol addiction. Staying sober is really ******* hard right now. I've been sober for a little over 2 weeks, and this isn't the first time I've tried to remain sober. This time, I decided to get sober bc I blacked out after drinking too much and grabbed the steering wheel of the car on the highway, while my husband was driving (don't remember at all) and when we got home I proceeded to act belligerent and very angry. I (was told) was yelling at the top of my lungs outside, saying **** this, **** that, possibly pissed myself, walked to my father's house in the middle of the night.. Overall, a horrible experience that I felt extremely guilty for and horrible for treating my husband that way. I woke up feeling like ****, called my husband who was gone, and the first thing he says is, "do you remember last night".. which is when my stomach dropped and he started telling me what happened until I started sobbing and asked him to please stop.

I know I shouldn't drink anymore. This isn't the first time I've blacked out, and it's not the first time I've lashed out and been completely inappropriate. I am craving alcohol so badly that it scares me. I can feel myself rationalizing why it's okay to just have one, and I'm pretty convincing. I don't want to end up like my mother, or my drunk uncle, or any of my other ****** up family members. I'm scared, I'm alone in this whole "alcoholic" thing, as I know no one else going through this, especially being 25. Drinking is everywhere you go. It's so acceptable. My friends and family try to be supportive, but I feel like they unintentionally trivialize what I'm going through. My anxiety makes me terrified to go to AA, so I'm trying to gain support wherever I can right now. The anxiety I have is so intense right now bc I'm no longer curbing it with the booze. This is hard, I feel alone, and I don't want to drink but I want to drink more than anything.
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Old 12-22-2016, 01:00 PM
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Hi Frankie
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Old 12-22-2016, 01:03 PM
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Welcome to SR. Congrats on two weeks sober!

Originally Posted by frankie8778 View Post
This is hard, I feel alone, and I don't want to drink but I want to drink more than anything.
And that's exactly how I felt at two weeks sober...over six years ago. Yet here I am. Blessed to be sober.

You can too. Stick it out. Read around the site, see what other people are doing to get through the tremendous struggle of early sobriety.
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Old 12-22-2016, 01:05 PM
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Hello. I'm sorry you are going through this, but at age 25, you are in a good place to end this nightmare. Better than a lot of people, actually, who wait much longer to do something about the problem.

If you have other diagnoses, you absolutely must abstain from alcohol, because no psychiatric medication on earth will work with alcohol routinely in your system. The alcohol will interfere with the meds, and the explosive mix will probably cause other symptoms as well.

I would encourage you to meet with a licensed psychiatrist, who may be able to provide proper treatment for any other conditions. You may even notice some of them improve with sustained abstinence from alcohol. Either way, you must abstain. This is critical.
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Old 12-22-2016, 01:09 PM
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I thought I was all alone to Frankie but I found SR. Your not alone we are all in this together. Just hang in there and it will slowly start to get better.
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Old 12-22-2016, 01:15 PM
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Hi Frankie

My drinking was littered with blackouts, not exactly frequent but often enough. It's not like I could pinpoint how or why they happened, it was like spinning a roulette wheel every time I picked up a drink. And when they did happen it was usually bad, sometimes very bad. My wife would say it was like someone had flicked a switch and my eyes would take on a vacant stare, by which time there was no getting through to me. Sometimes I would come to wandering the streets in the middle of the night, no idea of where I was or how I got there. Blackouts were one of the biggest motivators for me to quit, in truth they terrify me.

We never need fear them again in recovery. Congstulations on making it two weeks, the first month is tough but you're half way there.
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Old 12-22-2016, 01:15 PM
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Hi Frankie -

Just read your post.

Please do yourself a favor and get help.

There are some "of us" that can't drink. So don't rationalize what you see others doing.

Please ... Before something real bad happens.
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Old 12-22-2016, 01:25 PM
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Hi Frankie and welcome to SR. I'm a similar age to you and have also had a couple of blackouts in my time. They are terrifying. I also am diagnosed with long term anxiety and depression. Alcohol can only ever make these conditions worse. It simply is not a combination that can work. That's why I know I need to abstain, for good.

Hang on in there, those first few days are really tough, but it does get easier.
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Old 12-22-2016, 01:53 PM
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Hi and welcome Frankie

This is a safe nurturing place. The community here helped me turn my life around - I know we can help you too

You're not alone

D
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Old 12-22-2016, 02:06 PM
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welcome Frankie.

Are your mental health issues being treated? In my observation of friends who've struggled with both addiction and mental health, they've been unsuccessful in dealing with the addiction side of the equation until properly and consistently treating their other diagnosed issues.

hang in there. coming here and sharing that you're feeling like you're slipping is a good sign. It shows awareness and a desire NOT to slip.

This is a great place to get motivation, insight, experience and community to help bolster your choices and actions in support of sobriety.

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Old 12-22-2016, 02:22 PM
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I see a psychologist every other week, have a psychiatrist I see on a regular basis and also am seeing a substance abuse counselor. I am giving this my all but it's so hard I want to break down and cry.
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Old 12-22-2016, 02:32 PM
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sometimes we just need to break down and cry.

that's totally human and totally OK and sometimes, it brings a bit of relief.

I don't know what it's like to struggle with all that you're wrestling with, so I can only offer you hope and faith and the firm belief that if you keep at it, stay sober, take actions to support and honor your sobriety, it'll get be OK.

Maybe there's a gym nearby you could go do a little exercise. Or take a walk. Or go to bed early, read, get up to watch the sunrise. Maybe there's a candle and you can light it and just breathe deeply and stare into the flame for a half hour, allowing any thoughts to rise and fall and drift away on the flickering light. Maybe there's a pillow you can punch and pound and scream into and just let out the sense of frustration and despair. Maybe there's a poem you could write or a few pages of just stream-of-consciousness you can ramble out all your awful / scary / stressful / angry / confused thoughts and then burn them up, collect the ashes and then release them onto the wind with a prayer that simply says "Please, help me let go and be comfortable in my own skin today". Maybe there's a friend you can go have tea with. Maybe there's a library you can visit and pick out a few books on a topic that interests you and read about it. Maybe you could go for a bike ride or try to sketch for a while.

Action.... simply choosing an action that is sober in nature and that connects you with the moment.... can often be a relief. Reeling in our thoughts and just coming back to NOW and allowing ourselves to flow with what is.

I know that it's all 'easier said than done' - but don't let the fact that it's not EASY be the reason you stay stuck.

In any case, may you stay sober and remain on path to deepening your life.

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Old 12-22-2016, 02:38 PM
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Are there any dual diagnosis groups on here that anyone knows about? I think it'd be helpful to speak with someone who understands what it's like living with a mood disorder and an addiction.
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Old 12-22-2016, 02:40 PM
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Thank you for your suggestions. Yea, nothing is really "easy" when living with an addiction and a mental illness so I'm used to the struggle. Thank you for your response.
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Old 12-22-2016, 03:16 PM
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no experience or affiliation with either page - just Googled

Support Groups

Dual Recovery Anonymous - a 12 Step Fellowship
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