Kelli:
Welcome to SR.
I was a drunk, too -- until I went to AA and discovered that I'm an alcoholic. I've got a disease which doesn't allow me to drink like other folks.
Ah, remember the things in your post well. How can I mow the lawn without a beer? How can I go in the pool without 12? How can I go to sleep without being drunk? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>on and on and on....
AA is a one day at a time deal. I don't drink today. Period. If I look at my watch and it's today -- I don't drink. I may drink tomorrow, but if it's today, I don't drink. If I wake up tomorrow morning and look at my watch, and it's now today -- guess what? I don't drink today...
AA helped me to look at all the things you are talking about -- the guilt, shame and remorse I had from drinking. Today I live sober, and I live with quality in my life. It's never perfect, but it's great!
You don't have to live with those feelings any more, and you don't have to live drunk any more... Give AA a try -- PM me if you ever have questions...
Ken