WorkingOnMe

I'm scared, I admit it. I really don't think I can do this and I am scared. I know that for quite some time I have known that I have had a problem and that one day I would have to address it. I guess the idea of it is just so overwhelming. My life has basically revolved around one big party or so I wanted it to. I have been a functioning alcoholic so I have been able to minimize my behaviors but that is getting harder and harder to do. I am so ashamed of myself for becoming what I am. I am a drunk.

I look at myself and wonder what example I am setting for my children? What life am I providing for them? I come home every day from work as a social worker of all things and I proceed to down about ten beers a night. I am totally consumed in me. What kind of mother is that? I think I am having a rocking good time until each night ends in an arguement with my new husband who thinks I have a problem-granted he is drinking with me. How have I let it go this far?

Thing is, in the last year and a half I have tried to stop drinking on numerous occasions. Once I even went several months before I gave in in a complete rage and in complete denial-blaming everything on my then fiance. I black out, I am mean, I am a hypocrit!

So, this change, this sobriety should be a good thing right-so why am I so scared? I guess it is the idea of having to change everything in my life. My social activities all involve alcohol or rec drugs. My friends all drink. What will I do? The last 13 years has been a quest for a high that doesn't exhist. Now what? Can I be satisfied being mom and wife? I am scared to know that answer. I am just scared....

Overwhelmed,
Kelli

CAPTAINZING2000

[QUOTE]

So, this change, this sobriety should be a good thing right-so why am I so scared? I guess it is the idea of having to change everything in my life. My social activities all involve alcohol or rec drugs. My friends all drink



Your friends are a reflection of you. Would they still be your friend if, you no longer drank? Sad but, the people I thought were my friends no longer includ me at parties.
I don't know if, they don't include me because of them or because of me.


10 beers is a lot to be packing away every night!!!!

Do you really want to stop?

If, you can't stop on your own, there is an AA meeting somewheere in your area.

AA has helped me to stop drinking and countless other people.

Try going to a meeting or two. They always told me my misery would be refunded if, I didn't want to continue going to AA

MNGirlyGirl

We all drink for many reasons. It becomes a way to cope or a way to not really feel or deal with issues we are facing. Often, we continue to drink for other reasons than why we started.

I too was a "functioning" alcoholic for several years. Then this last year, things started to fall apart. I couldn't "hold" my liquor like before, I began to have black outs, memory lapses, and anxiety attacks. Drinking was no longer fun. It was scary to face the world without those fuzzy glasses, but I found that I really enjoy life so much more sober. I remember things, I have more energy, I feel good, I've lost weight, I have reconnected with my spirituality and God and I am much more productive at work......the list goes on.

It is scary at first, but the only thing to be more scared of is not getting sober. Please look for a support group -- you really need to have others who know what you are going through.

Good luck!
Kathy

Cathy31

you are in the same boat as many of us - good for you for acknowledging that you have a problem and for reaching out.

AA is a miraculous way of dealing with alcoholism -i'd encourage you to give it a try - try and suspend what you might think - I know I was surprised, and never saw myself as an AA person (not that I knew what that was or wasn't) Now it's a real life saver - helps you to live and grow, make new friends, support structure of like minded wonderful people...and you get to not drink in the process!

good luck Kelli!!

hope you'll keep coming back and keep us posted!

much love
cath
x

CDr55

It is normal and alright to be scared. Alcoholism is a scary thing to have address. Just posting here is already a positive step.

CarolD

So glad to see you looking for sobriety.

I really can't think of a situation that would be helped if I drank.

I too use AA and it gives me joy and a sense of purpose. I had neither when I was a drunk.

Getting sober is the wisest move I ever made.

Anna

Kelli,

I was scared too, terrified, in fact to stop drinking. I didn't even know what I was so afraid of. As time went by I realized I was afraid of myself. I had been running from myself all my life, hiding my feelings as I went along, putting on a mask every day to live my life. I had no idea who I was.

You can do this and you'll find that it's so worth overcoming the fear to find out what kind of a person you really are.

Love, Anna

WorkingOnMe

Thanks for the replies guys-this is day 2 of sobriety and I am finding it very dificult. I just left my office and took my daughter out to linch. I felt good and that familiar thinking started to creap back in...."what am I doing, everything is ok, I am taking this too serious, maybe I can just cut back." Now coming back and reading ya'lls responses has helped me get back to focusing onwhat I need to do. I have to follow thru. Also hearing "ten beers is a lot to pack away each night" made me realize that no, that's not normal. I have tended to think it was or at least it was ok. Thing is, I feel like everything outside of work is going to trigger me to drink. You cut grass, well of course it's with a beer in hand. You mop the floor, the beer is next to me. You take a shower, that beer is opened for when you are done drying off. Life has just involved drinking for so long that my habits are so engrained. How will I enjoy things?

Thanks for the support,
Kelli

In memory of miracle

What advice would you give to a client with the same problem?

NoMoBeer

Kelli:
Welcome to SR.

I was a drunk, too -- until I went to AA and discovered that I'm an alcoholic. I've got a disease which doesn't allow me to drink like other folks.

Ah, remember the things in your post well. How can I mow the lawn without a beer? How can I go in the pool without 12? How can I go to sleep without being drunk? >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>on and on and on....

AA is a one day at a time deal. I don't drink today. Period. If I look at my watch and it's today -- I don't drink. I may drink tomorrow, but if it's today, I don't drink. If I wake up tomorrow morning and look at my watch, and it's now today -- guess what? I don't drink today...

AA helped me to look at all the things you are talking about -- the guilt, shame and remorse I had from drinking. Today I live sober, and I live with quality in my life. It's never perfect, but it's great!

You don't have to live with those feelings any more, and you don't have to live drunk any more... Give AA a try -- PM me if you ever have questions...

Ken

NoMoBeer

Oh yeah -- and don't be scared. If you stop drinking, life will get better.

WorkingOnMe

Wow, what advice would I give a client-here's that hypocrit I told you about, me.....I give the advice at least weekly to someone. You need help, professional help. Most of the problems I deal with in my job are somehow related to alcohol and so I am constantly referring clients to programs or therapists-so why can't I do the same for myself? Thing is, I also have had an eating disorder for the last ten years but two years ago I sought out help and have been in intensive treatment. So why can't I ask for help with this? Am I even more ashamed of this issue? Or is it that health problems arose from my bulimia but none have arisen from drinking yet? Why can't I seem to face this problem?

On a more positive note, I have been looking up AA meetings in my area-I am just reluctant to go because what if someone finds out? They will see the real me, the not together me, the drunk that I am me. The guilt and shame runs very deep and so does my secretive and perfectionistic side. I feel very sad and alone.

Kelli

In memory of miracle

Oh, don't call yourself a hippocrite for doing your job. I have the feeling you have a pretty big heart. I am studying social sciences myself! Alcoholism is a disease of denial and believe me I was pretty "resistant" to treatment.We are good people who are sick with a disease, you know that. I bet you don't judge the people you help as harshly as you are judging yourself right now. Don't do it! Simply get some help and do the best you can.It's great you have checked out the meetings in your area. AA is such a haven for me.
Bless you, you are not alone.
Trish

CarolD

facts on the disease of alcoholism.
That might help you decide. It sure did me!


"Under The Influence' by Dr. James Milam & K. ketcham
can be ordered from Amazon.
Ketcham also has a newer book 'Beyond The Influence'

Blessings...

michaelj

Kelli,
There is so much in your posts that rang bells with me. I was scared of what I would do if I were to give up the drink. How would I possibly cope? How would I keep friends? What would I do socially? Oh sod it keep drinking was my response up until January of this year.
I found myself hiding drink around the house and using subterfuges to drink at all times of the day. I realised what a pathetic mess I was in and decided to act. I stopped and I have stayed stopped and the world has kept spinning.
You know in your heart when you have a problem and the hard part is that only you can do anything about it. You have taken the decision to quit and I wish you well with your sobriety. Your life will get better without alcohol in charge.
Best wishes
Michael

NoMoBeer

Kelli:
What if "who" finds out you are going to AA?
Better they should see you out drunk? Better your life should fall apart and you live with guilt, fear and remorse?

Yes, as Carol said -- learn about your disease -- but then do something about it.

Ken

Cindi

[QUOTE=WorkingOnMe] Or is it that health problems arose from my bulimia but none have arisen from drinking yet? Why can't I seem to face this
problem?



Unfortunately, you may very well have health problems from your drinking that just have not yet been diagnosed. Believe me, I know how you feel because I work in the Health Care field as a MA, you would think I would have known better also. I read terrible op notes, even involving death because of alchohol. I said to myself, well, if I were sick I would know. I finally got extremely ill and found out my Kidneys were leaking a toxic substance into my blood, and my Heart also had been affected ( I only drank heavily for 5 years BTW). I had NO idea. It will catch up to you-get a complete physical ASAP. I cannot stress that enough to all of us here.

CarolD

This is a re post but thought you might find it of interest Kelli..

For most people who drink, alcohol is a pleasant accompaniment to social activities. Moderate alcohol use—up to two drinks per day for men and one drink per day for women and older people—is not harmful for most adults. (A standard drink is one 12-ounce bottle or can of either beer or wine cooler, one 5-ounce glass of wine, or 1.5 ounces of 80-proof distilled spirits.) Nonetheless, a large number of people get into serious trouble because of their drinking. Currently, nearly 14 million Americans—1 in every 13 adults—abuse alcohol or are alcoholic. Several million more adults engage in risky drinking that could lead to alcohol problems. These patterns include binge drinking and heavy drinking on a regular basis. In addition, 53 percent of men and women in the United States report that one or more of their close relatives have a drinking problem.

http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/booklet.htm