Ive never gone all in with AA. Always thought I could do it on my own.
Me either. And guess what? It never 'worked'. Haha. I laugh at that phrase when I hear people say it. Not in a nasty, laugh at someone way, but in an 'I relate' way. As the Big Book says, and I paraphrase, very few make AA their entire life and that isn't necessary. But half measures, and I would propose that I know when I'm only putting in minimal effort, avail me nothing.
I try to think about today. The steps are designed to help me deal with the shame and guilt of my actions. But it doesn't have to be dealt with right now, this minute. Just put one foot in front of the other. Don't drink, go to meetings, ask for help. Hang in there.