Did you call the DV hotline or your local shelter and talk with an advocate? This isn't something that's a matter of his "emotional communication" or yours. This is potentially a matter of life and death. Escaping such a situation is the rational response, not something YOU are "doing" to the family.
Please talk with someone with DV experience. Engaging in marriage counseling with him only gives him additional ammunition with which to abuse you, and another forum in which to do it. He WILL manipulate you if he can, and if he can't, well, we already know he doesn't have a problem calling on brute force to make his point.