Update

Old 12-12-2016, 12:06 PM
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Update

I've only made two posts but have been lurking a lot for the past few months. In my last post I stated that my sober AH was packing after I had asked him to leave because of abusive behavior (yelling/swearing episode). We ended up spending Thanksgiving apart and when I came back I expected him to move out. But he didn't. And honestly it appears he never had any intention to do so but made a big show out of it in the hopes I would beg him to stay. Ha! I finally know better now and certainly didn't give him that satisfaction. He says that his meds still weren't right and that caused his episode (I know this is an excuse) and now he's felt the best he's ever felt. He is sober but not actively in AA or any other recovery program except for therapy twice a month and also our marriage counseling therapy which is once a week. I have that stuck feeling again and I know what I need to do but I am having trouble making a move. I have laid out all of my feelings to him. Mostly during counseling as I have difficulty expressing emotions to him because of past incident this year. I told him that it's his actions that I do not like. We've agreed to a stale mate during Christmas for the kids. I know that's not the best idea but so far we've been civil and actually making it work for the time being. I cannot be there for him emotionally or sexually as he's pretty much killed that love for him I once had. Thankfully, he has pressured me either. I actively do not gauge in any other emotional discussion unless he brings it up. In counseling, he states he wants to be with me and he wants his family but I'm truly having trouble moving on from all the **** he's put me through. I can try to forgive but never forget.

Second to that he will then focus on how the separation will effect us financially and says stuff like we'll both be living in ****** apartments with cinderblocks as furniture *eye roll.* And THEN he'll be like so how will you break the news to the kids? Like this whole situation is my fault because he doesn't want to divorce. Sigh.
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So like I said I feel stuck and maybe even guily. Ugh! Why do I allow the guilt to eat at me? I may have perpetuated his behavior this long but I know I didn't deserve any of it. I'm pretty sure my feelings for him will not change but I also know he most likely won't stand for a wife as a roommate for much longer. I'm actually hoping he get's fed up first so we'd both be on the same page but I know deep down that won't happen and I'll probably have to be the bad guy. I am a stay at home mom, no job, no funds to call my own except a 401K. Arg, I am mad with myself for being in this situation. Not sure what I'm asking for here maybe just needed to vent. You're all so strong and I'm hoping some of that strength will rub off on me. Tell it to me straight!
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Old 12-12-2016, 12:14 PM
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Did you call the DV hotline or your local shelter and talk with an advocate? This isn't something that's a matter of his "emotional communication" or yours. This is potentially a matter of life and death. Escaping such a situation is the rational response, not something YOU are "doing" to the family.

Please talk with someone with DV experience. Engaging in marriage counseling with him only gives him additional ammunition with which to abuse you, and another forum in which to do it. He WILL manipulate you if he can, and if he can't, well, we already know he doesn't have a problem calling on brute force to make his point.
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Old 12-12-2016, 12:21 PM
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I haven't but I will! Thank you.
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Old 12-12-2016, 01:26 PM
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Hang in there, i know that 'stuck' feeling all too well.

THe thing is is that I was creating that feeling in my own head. The fact is, that 'doing what I needed to do' came down to putting one foot right in front of the other. And frankly, once I set myself in motion, there were times where I didn't even feel like I was consciously doing anything. My body - my feet, hands, mouth just took over and went through the motions until I was out. IT knew what it had to do, and sought out every opportunity and resource once my mind and heart finally set it in motion.

Hang in there. Change, real CHANGE is difficult, but the payoffs are worth every drop of blood, sweat and tears. (((HUGS)))
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Old 12-12-2016, 03:29 PM
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Well I can tell you that the only one that was living in a crappy apartment with cinder block furniture after my divorce was definately NOT me. Honestly though, if that would have been what I needed to do to get the heck away from my EXH I would have lived that way!!
My exh and I were roommates for most of my 11 year marriage. I couldn't stand him after year one but I was pregnant ( that in itself was a miracle ) lol and thought maybe, just maybe things would change once the baby was born. Yeah, they changed alright, for the worse.
Here's what I can tell you. I also was a stay at home mom but I also knew that there was NO WAY I was going to spend the rest of my life in a loveless marriage with a pill popping addict. Nope! I got a job and started socking away money and with the help of my family was able to file for divorce. We sold the house and I rented a townhouse for two years until I bought my own home with my OWN money. Him? Well, he still lives in a studio apartment...
You can do it!
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