Update
I've only made two posts but have been lurking a lot for the past few months. In my last post I stated that my sober AH was packing after I had asked him to leave because of abusive behavior (yelling/swearing episode). We ended up spending Thanksgiving apart and when I came back I expected him to move out. But he didn't. And honestly it appears he never had any intention to do so but made a big show out of it in the hopes I would beg him to stay. Ha! I finally know better now and certainly didn't give him that satisfaction. He says that his meds still weren't right and that caused his episode (I know this is an excuse) and now he's felt the best he's ever felt. He is sober but not actively in AA or any other recovery program except for therapy twice a month and also our marriage counseling therapy which is once a week. I have that stuck feeling again and I know what I need to do but I am having trouble making a move. I have laid out all of my feelings to him. Mostly during counseling as I have difficulty expressing emotions to him because of past incident this year. I told him that it's his actions that I do not like. We've agreed to a stale mate during Christmas for the kids. I know that's not the best idea but so far we've been civil and actually making it work for the time being. I cannot be there for him emotionally or sexually as he's pretty much killed that love for him I once had. Thankfully, he has pressured me either. I actively do not gauge in any other emotional discussion unless he brings it up. In counseling, he states he wants to be with me and he wants his family but I'm truly having trouble moving on from all the **** he's put me through. I can try to forgive but never forget.
Second to that he will then focus on how the separation will effect us financially and says stuff like we'll both be living in ****** apartments with cinderblocks as furniture *eye roll.* And THEN he'll be like so how will you break the news to the kids? Like this whole situation is my fault because he doesn't want to divorce. Sigh.
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So like I said I feel stuck and maybe even guily. Ugh! Why do I allow the guilt to eat at me? I may have perpetuated his behavior this long but I know I didn't deserve any of it. I'm pretty sure my feelings for him will not change but I also know he most likely won't stand for a wife as a roommate for much longer. I'm actually hoping he get's fed up first so we'd both be on the same page but I know deep down that won't happen and I'll probably have to be the bad guy. I am a stay at home mom, no job, no funds to call my own except a 401K. Arg, I am mad with myself for being in this situation. Not sure what I'm asking for here maybe just needed to vent. You're all so strong and I'm hoping some of that strength will rub off on me. Tell it to me straight!