It was the battle of a lifetime. The hardest thing I have ever done, but also, the most worthwhile. Early on was so so hard. I walked away from my old life completely. I blocked contacts from my phone, I refused to contact my ex BF who I still missed and loved (because I knew I would relapse if I went back). I fantasized about alcohol 24/7, I was anxious, I couldn't sleep, I had lost everything and had to deal with it all without a drink in me. But I was at rock bottom...I just knew I was done. And I stuck to my decision not to allow myself to fall any farther. There were days when I went to bed at 3pm because I just couldn't deal with life anymore. And I gave myself permission to do that. I was done with the day....not able to handle anymore...and I put my head on the pillow sober (early, but sober). There were nights I paced my sober house frantically for hours and hours saying to myself "don't f---ing drink, don't drink, don't drink..."
I went to rehab, sober living, got a sponsor, worked (and still work) the steps. At 3 months sober I got a full time job. At 7 months sober I got an apartment. I ran everything by my sponsor. If she told me it was not a good idea...that was that...I didn't do it. If she gave me direction to do something I did not agree with...I just FREAKING DID IT and shut my mouth. I had learned all my lessons the hard way...doing what I wanted...that finally, when someone told me what to do...I just freaking DID IT.
The emotional pain and sadness were so great at times that I thought I might die from them. But I had a wonderful sponsor who was very caring and spent a LOT of time with me. I Remember one day she said to me "I've been where you are....you will get through this...your feelings will not kill you and in time they will pass. Your drinking and drugging will kill you...not your feelings." Another time she told me "You are swimming away from one life...and towards a new one...right now you are in the middle of the ocean and you are lost and afraid. As you should be. But I'm next to you...hold my hand and keep swimming, I won't let you drown, I promise."
18+ months later I have no cravings (though occasionally I miss the days when drinking was "fun" but then I laugh at myself because those days were a long time ago and at the end of my drinking and using it was pure UTTER HELL), I have a job in my career field, am tackling my debt, a relationship with God, belong to a church, have a car and a beautiful apartment, a strong sober network, good friends, decent relationships with my family, hobbies and interests. In October I went to Colorado for a week and hiked the rocky mountains!! A dream of mine I was NEVER able to fulfill when I was drinking.
Getting sober and achieving long term sobriety requires drastic measures on our part. You cannot stick your toe into recovery and expect to get well. I can't emphasize that enough. If you are willing to go to any lengths to achieve sobriety - you will achieve it.
It gets so much better. Just hang in there and don't pick up that first sucker drink or drug!