What is it like? I would like to say its fantastic and most days it is, but some days its not easy. Gone is the desire to drink, but what I find the most difficult is dealing with my alcoholic mind. I have been drinking since I was about 13 and for 33 years since that time I have used alcohol to self medicate. Slowly unravelling that damage to my brain and the way I manage my feelings and in turn, my life, has been the most difficult aspect to my recovery. Since becoming sober it feels like I have been transported to my 13 year old body again. For what feels like the first time in my life, I am learning to manage my feelings in a healthy and constructive way. Having a lot of trauma as a child I just wanted to shut those feelings down and when I discovered alcohol as a teen I discovered an easy way to do that, and it worked.. for awhile.
It may sound daunting and some days it is but the reality is it is a gift and an opportunity for me to start again. I have faith that my higher power is with me on this journey. The path I was on was lonely, depressing and self defeating, it was cyclical and I didn’t see a way out. I blamed everyone and everything including the universe for my misery. I’ve learned in recovery and the steps (and still learning) that it was me, just me ( and the alcohol). I am now able to start looking at life through a different lens and I am for the first time holding myself accountable for the part I play in my life. I am no longer at the mercy of other people or situations in my life, I am in charge of my life (and I count on my higher power to be there with me as well). I used to be at the mercy of my feelings, feelings that would overtake me, to the point of despair. Now I am able to stand back and look at those feelings and realize they are just feelings, they are not going to kill me and they will pass. I am growing up. On the days I am struggling with my alcoholic mind I go to an AA meeting or I come here. For anybody out there struggling, there is a different path. I am grateful for my sobriety.
7 months sober.