Originally Posted by
MissPerfumado 
W
The second thought is that the closeness that I do fear is what I think of as the invasion into my life - the sanctity of my own space, my choices of how I want to live, how I spend my money, where and when I wish to travel, the plans I make for my future etc. The thought of losing my independence makes me want to run for the hills.
TOTALLY understand this (and very well said). I am a quote hound and the bf and I shared iCloud albums under different topics- one of them is "apropos" and it is things (*just*) about me. I found a quote the other day that was perfect- "I like being alone. I have control over my own sh*t. Therefore, in order to win me over, your presence has to feel better than my solitude. You're not competing with another person, you're competing with my comfort zones."
I love my life now- and I am trying to build something that includes him in it. Working out those "our" boundaries is sometimes tough and personally, I have to be in a relationship where I believe it is worth it. There is too much at stake for me to play, and "learning to share" in terms of building the "us" is sometimes scary!
See how I mentioned the iCloud photo sharing? That's just a teeny example of how intertwined our lives - money, time, responsibilities, you name it- are becoming. It's working for us but sometimes I pull away (much more than he ever does- it's my inclination, not his) and he must understand and respect that, and it's somewhat of a dance .... bottom line, I think it is very important that you (any of us dealing with sobriety, in particular vs "others"!) are aware of this as you consider letting someone in.
Sounds like you are aware of what you want.....and its challenges.....we call our situation a "working fairytale" (one reason being that we dated in high school- who gets a chance 25 years later? And are both in recovery, have the same values, like each other again.....??) bc while it is not "hard," exactly, it is effort on top of the love, as we do build together. Maybe you will find that one of the benefits of "open" relationships is that different people can bring different things to you.
Good luck
