bearcat22

I found it very strange that there is a warning not to discuss the merits or demerits of various treatment modalities here. Where in this large forum would that be appropriate?

Also perplexed that it states not to give or ask for medical advice here. Where would one go, besides a personal doctor, to discuss such things?

I'm a white male, about to turn 54. Single, live alone, no friends. Family is far away. Been drinking all my life, and drinking daily for about 16 years. I am not capable of getting "drunk" any more. No pleasure, no staggering or slurred speech.

It's just a habit, I suppose an addiction now. I don't really want to stop without something better in it's place. I dread the withdrawal process very much.
I drink between six and twelve cans of beer a day.

I think the process of getting help is going to be rather challenging for me. I happen to be mentally ill. I have Borderline Personality Disorder, a very difficult illness to treat. Most therapists won't treat someone with BPD, and those that do demand cash payment up front, no insurance accepted.

I am on Social Security Disability and only have Medicare/Medicaid. I'm figuring that once Trump gets in, that will be cut or eliminated.

I've tried a variety of antidepressants over the years and nothing has been very effective. I have no friends and in the past year my health has declined rapidly. I've gained 30 pound, have lost many teeth, I tire easily, my appetite and diet are horrible. I rarely get any exercise.
I often go many days without taking a shower. I live in a tiny cell like apartment, 300 square feet. No money to move, and nowhere to go.

All my life, exercise has had the same result: I get a headache, sick to my stomach and sweat bullets. I just hate it.

My gums hurt all the time, and my teeth bloom plaque even though I brush them throughout the day, so I figure I've got a nasty gum infection.

My father drank so heavily, he lost the ability to swallow, and I'm scared that this may be happening to me right now. For the past two weeks, I wake every morning gagging. I can't cough up what feels like is deep on my throat. Eventually the couging turns to retching, and I spasm as if vomiting. All that comes up is clear saliva.

I hack and retch all day now, and feel sick to my stomach all day. I can't eat anything, just makes me feel like vomiting.

I just saw a psych doctor who gave me some antidepressants, but they made me throw up. Research online shows that this specific medicine often has this effect. Gonna try a different pill.

I have an appointment to see an MD on December 8th to get blood drawn for tests. I'm dreading the results. May have diabetes, anemia, cirrhosis.

Mostly what's hard is the loneliness. As a person with Borderline Personality Disorder, it's difficult to make friends and maintain relationships. I've gone through long stretches of being alone before, but lately it's been bothering me a lot.

What prompted me to go back to see a psych doctor was that I suddenly am crying very easily. I've not cried much at all in my life, and now I have to fight it back every day.

I guess I will end up in Detox, and the psych doctor wants me to, but I'm really dreading that. I don't get along with people well, and being surrounded by lots of sick and cranky people sounds dangerous. I have a very severe temper.

I spent six years in prison 16 years ago, for a violent crime. I don't want to be in an environment similar to that where I'm going to feel bullied by the staff. Remember the movie "One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest">? I'm thinking rehab is going to be a lot like that, staffed by sadists and hacks.

The only real relief I get any day is when I lie down to go to sleep. Most of the time I have nightmares, but sometimes I dream, and the dreams are very good. I wish I could sleep all the time.

I've been waking up every night about 3 AM for about six months now. Powerfully thirsty, dry hot mouth. My urine is always dark, I guess from dehydration.

My brother died three years ago. He was about 9 years older than me. He was deeply involved with AA. He died at home, and my parents and I had to clean out his workshop and apartment. Turned out to be full of empty beer cans and liquor bottles.

I'm deeply skeptical about 12 Step programs, and am pretty certain that would not help me. I just don't see how trading an addiction to alcohol for an addiction to coffee, cigarettes and meetings is an improvement.

I've read the 12 steps, and won't go into my many objections here. Suffice it to say it makes no sense to me. Just seems like a cult.

I remember my brother saying that I would not quit until I had hit "rock bottom" and was helpless. That strikes me as pretty creepy.
Sounds like a cult that preys on people when they are at their most vulnerable.

I saw this happen in prison. Desperate lonely people in pain turned to a variety of superstitions that didn't do anything to alter their practical circumstances.

That is one of the objections I have to the Antidepressant pills, also.
Maybe all the millions of people on these pills have valid tangible and very good reasons to be sad or angry. Maybe instead of just numbing us up, someone should be doing something tangible to change our practical circumstances.

So, that's all rather grim and sad, right? So, I will end with a little joke.

I've got good new, and bad news.

Good news is, Donald Trump is going to give me a job!

Bad news is, the job is working in a sweatshop in China.