You must want help or you would not be here. Let us help you. Believe me that your thoughts, and actions, are because of your addiction. To clear your mind, stop drinking for a day. At my first AA meeting, the bars were just a few hundred feet away. A guy told me that if I wanted to go back to drinking, the bars would still be there. He's right, they are still there but I am not in them. At first I would just make it a day or two sober. Try that. Then see if you can do a week. Your mind will clear up, and you will be able to see a better path. But first just try today. There were times when I thought going a month without a drink was impossible. In January it will be a year. If I and others can do it, so can you. Believe in yourself, and stick around SR. We want to help.