Hey sag - everything you talk about here is stuff I also felt during those beginning stages of sobriety. My RAH had the same flippant reaction & same way of blameshifting it back to me - I had to remind myself that *I* wasn't the one that eroded the trust in the first place & him being impatient with the rebuilding process was emotional bullying, even if he never meant it that way.
It was probably 6 months into the process before I even started to REALLY address my own issues. I had to wait until things calmed down & we were out of crisis mode before I could even start sifting through the rubble that was my Self. How in the world was it reasonable to expect me to simply let it ALL go & carry on as if nothing? (That is not to imply that I carried on & brought all of past events into the present & used them as punishment now that he was sober.)
The lack of a recovery program would highly concern me (RAH relapsed 2 yrs into staying-sober-but-not-recovering), but the bigger thing inside of your control is YOUR recovery & THAT is where, IMO, you can really start those seeds of trust again. In my recovery I discovered that building trust with others ahead of myself was like working a problem backward with partial information - I was never going to get where I expected to be until I had a good starting place. Trusting myself was that place for me because it meant that I knew I was strong & resilient enough to weather his decisions, crappy or not, and that ~just maybe~ I would be intuitive & aware enough ahead of time to sidestep those troubles before they ever affected me.
These older threads may help you feel less alone:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-marriage.html http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...iggers-me.html