abcowboy

Wow, a life changing experience..... Monday, Jan 12, 2015 the day before my 58th birthday, at 8:00pm my wife called 911 and got the ambulance to pick me up and take me to the hospital. I spent the night in the secure wing under "suicide watch" I had suffered an immense emotional breakdown along with alcohol poisoning.... So here is this stronger-than-iron, redneck, can handle anything cowboy, reduced to a sobbing, emotional wreck of a pitiful human being. Throughout the night my vitals were checked every 2 hours, my heart was tested 3 times, more blood samples were taken than I can ever remember. In the morning, my regular Doctor came in to see me, told me that all my blood tests came back normal, except for alcohol content, but everything else was perfect. He then said, physically, you are in great shape, but you need help! I wasn't going to be discharged till my BAC was down to zero, and I spent some time with the Hospital's psychologist.

Me, need to talk to a shrink!!! Not a chance!! I am one rough, tough hombre and I can deal with this myself!! Turns out, I can't.... After a conversation with the Hospital psychologist and a mental health screening done, I was referred to a Mental Health and Addictions Counsellor. I had my first session with her on the following Wednesday, and I booked more follow up sessions. The good news, my brain is as healthy as my body, I don't suffer from any psychosis, what I do suffer from is "emotional crisis" the plain and simple reason that I am a "binge alcoholic" She explained to me that I don't deal with my emotions: guilt, grief, anger, jealousy, etc. I let them all build and compound till my brain can't take anymore and just shuts down. I am no longer in a rational state of mind. I then reach for alcohol to numb all the pent up emotions. Will I ever be free of this "emotional crisis", no, it is a part of me. I have to learn to deal with my emotions and not block them out. Not let one emotion build to another emotion. She told me that once I am able to deal with my emotions effectively, my battle with alcohol will be easier, it will no longer be a battle, but a part of my life that I'll need to learn to accept just as I'll need to accept dealing with my emotions. She explained that because alcohol is a depressant, I have to stay away from it. If I drink, I will become depressed and the emotions will take over again.

So, if you are reading this, please, no sympathy or pity, that is not what I need. What I really want to come from all of this is a thread where others can come and let all their emotions out, without fear of being humiliated or ridiculed. We are what we are, and sometimes, we just can't help it. And if you feel that trying to stay sober is a daily battle, then maybe try counselling? But don't go through what I went through!! There is no shame in saying I need help, don't try to be the martyr and go it alone, you'll end up in a hospital bed just like I did!

So here I am today, over 666 days since my hospital stay, the best days that I can ever remember having! An internal peace that I haven't felt in a long, long time! No struggling with the urge to drink, mostly not even thinking about it much, but keeping in the back of my mind that I have no room for complacency. And why is this so, you ask? I can't answer that with any certainty...but I think I know why. Call it Divine Intervention, a spiritual awakening, whatever, I just know that a power greater than me (God) reached out to me in that hospital bed. Between fits of crying that night, I prayed and prayed for Him, something, anyone, to give me the strength and courage to make the changes that I know I had to make. It seems as my prayers have been answered..

I know that God or religious beliefs are not for everyone, I myself struggled with my faith for the past number of years. And I'm not trying to convince or persuade anyone into becoming a born again Christian. I'm just a simple man jotting down my thoughts as they pertain to me in the hopes it may help someone else. So, if you are struggling day to day like I was, wondering why it isn't getting any better like so many are telling us it will, fighting the urge to drink always on your mind, maybe a few prayers might help, it sure can't hurt, and the best part, it costs you nothing.... it's just between you and Him....