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A Journey to Sobriety

Old 11-08-2016, 12:35 PM
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No quitting on yer quit eh!
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A Journey to Sobriety

Wow, a life changing experience..... Monday, Jan 12, 2015 the day before my 58th birthday, at 8:00pm my wife called 911 and got the ambulance to pick me up and take me to the hospital. I spent the night in the secure wing under "suicide watch" I had suffered an immense emotional breakdown along with alcohol poisoning.... So here is this stronger-than-iron, redneck, can handle anything cowboy, reduced to a sobbing, emotional wreck of a pitiful human being. Throughout the night my vitals were checked every 2 hours, my heart was tested 3 times, more blood samples were taken than I can ever remember. In the morning, my regular Doctor came in to see me, told me that all my blood tests came back normal, except for alcohol content, but everything else was perfect. He then said, physically, you are in great shape, but you need help! I wasn't going to be discharged till my BAC was down to zero, and I spent some time with the Hospital's psychologist.

Me, need to talk to a shrink!!! Not a chance!! I am one rough, tough hombre and I can deal with this myself!! Turns out, I can't.... After a conversation with the Hospital psychologist and a mental health screening done, I was referred to a Mental Health and Addictions Counsellor. I had my first session with her on the following Wednesday, and I booked more follow up sessions. The good news, my brain is as healthy as my body, I don't suffer from any psychosis, what I do suffer from is "emotional crisis" the plain and simple reason that I am a "binge alcoholic" She explained to me that I don't deal with my emotions: guilt, grief, anger, jealousy, etc. I let them all build and compound till my brain can't take anymore and just shuts down. I am no longer in a rational state of mind. I then reach for alcohol to numb all the pent up emotions. Will I ever be free of this "emotional crisis", no, it is a part of me. I have to learn to deal with my emotions and not block them out. Not let one emotion build to another emotion. She told me that once I am able to deal with my emotions effectively, my battle with alcohol will be easier, it will no longer be a battle, but a part of my life that I'll need to learn to accept just as I'll need to accept dealing with my emotions. She explained that because alcohol is a depressant, I have to stay away from it. If I drink, I will become depressed and the emotions will take over again.

So, if you are reading this, please, no sympathy or pity, that is not what I need. What I really want to come from all of this is a thread where others can come and let all their emotions out, without fear of being humiliated or ridiculed. We are what we are, and sometimes, we just can't help it. And if you feel that trying to stay sober is a daily battle, then maybe try counselling? But don't go through what I went through!! There is no shame in saying I need help, don't try to be the martyr and go it alone, you'll end up in a hospital bed just like I did!

So here I am today, over 666 days since my hospital stay, the best days that I can ever remember having! An internal peace that I haven't felt in a long, long time! No struggling with the urge to drink, mostly not even thinking about it much, but keeping in the back of my mind that I have no room for complacency. And why is this so, you ask? I can't answer that with any certainty...but I think I know why. Call it Divine Intervention, a spiritual awakening, whatever, I just know that a power greater than me (God) reached out to me in that hospital bed. Between fits of crying that night, I prayed and prayed for Him, something, anyone, to give me the strength and courage to make the changes that I know I had to make. It seems as my prayers have been answered..

I know that God or religious beliefs are not for everyone, I myself struggled with my faith for the past number of years. And I'm not trying to convince or persuade anyone into becoming a born again Christian. I'm just a simple man jotting down my thoughts as they pertain to me in the hopes it may help someone else. So, if you are struggling day to day like I was, wondering why it isn't getting any better like so many are telling us it will, fighting the urge to drink always on your mind, maybe a few prayers might help, it sure can't hurt, and the best part, it costs you nothing.... it's just between you and Him....
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Old 11-08-2016, 01:17 PM
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Welcome back and thanks for sharing your story Coyboy, and a big congrats on almost 2 years of sobriety!

I personally waited until about 2 years into sobriety to start "opening up" and getting the help I needed for my anxiety and I would agree that it's a humbling experience when you final realize that its OK to not do everything on your own.
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Old 11-08-2016, 01:18 PM
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Great post! It sounds like your recovery is going well.
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Old 11-08-2016, 01:46 PM
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Great post and congrats! I've tried to get sober through my own strength, intelligence and will power. Never worked for longer than a couple of years. I have accepted that, for me, this is a spiritual malady.
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Old 11-08-2016, 02:12 PM
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Thanks for sharing your story cowboy

D
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Old 11-09-2016, 09:13 AM
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No quitting on yer quit eh!
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Thanks everyone for the kind words!
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Old 11-09-2016, 09:14 AM
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It’s obvious I have too much time on my hands today lol. Not long ago that would have meant fill the time with a 15 pack of Budweiser! But this morning after reading some of the posts, I spent the time looking back over this past couple of years, and what it has done for me. I don’t think anyone in their first few years of sobriety doesn’t think about having a drink. I call them my “I wish” moments. But lasting sobriety comes from the fact that you want to be sober more than you want to drink. That doesn’t mean you won’t have those “I wish” days. Even after 22 months of sobriety I still have “I wish” days. In my experience, nothing even provokes these feelings. They just happen because every day cannot be simple. If every day was simple, then sobriety wouldn’t be so darn hard. But I’ve found that for every “I wish” day, there are 99 “I’m grateful” days. I’ve been lucky in that most everyone in my life has been supportive. But still, there is always the occasional person who just doesn’t comprehend that I can’t have “just one.” Maybe they didn’t know me when I drank, or maybe they just don’t care. Either way, learning to say “no” in a sometimes-aggressive manner has been necessary. I’ve learned that people need to know where I stand, and it’s not up to them to pass judgment. I was pretty convinced that life as I knew it was ending when I got sober. I didn’t think that I would ever be as happy as I was when I was drinking, or that life would ever seem as bright. But guess what? I still do everything I did before, minus the drinking. I even have fun while sober.

When I first started my journey, my Uncle told me, “You won’t believe how much better your life can be when you’re sober.” I doubted it. I loved getting drunk because the buzz allowed me to forget about everything else pressing or nagging in my life. I don’t have that problem today. It is refreshing to have nothing to hide from in my life. I’m proud of where I am and who I am, because I put a heck of a lot of work into becoming that person. My sobriety will never be something I’ll regret! I regret so many things I did while drinking. So many. But I do not regret one day of sobriety, and that’s a pretty darn good feeling. Is sobriety a sacrifice? An interesting question with undoubtedly some interesting answers. Someone asked me the other day what one word would I use to describe sobriety? Without hesitation, I answered “freedom”. But with most freedoms, a bit of sacrifice comes with them.

We should have finished harvesting the other day, but the beer clouds rolled in… “Beer clouds” you ask? Okay, let me explain to the non-farmers. When rain clouds move in, farmers refer to them as “beer clouds” or “whiskey clouds”. When you’re busy in the fields, the days are long and tiring and it doesn’t leave much time in the day to drink, so when rain moves in you can relax a bit and enjoy a few beverages. So when it started raining, the rest of the crew were grateful for the “beer clouds” and they all headed down to the neighbour Tommy’s shop to relax and tip a few back. I have been there a number of times in the past 22 months without any urges or pressure to drink. Just fine with having a Coke or coffee and enjoying the conversations with the area farmers. But Saturday, a small voice in my head said I should skip this time. I’m pretty comfortable in my quit, but when the voice of reason talks to me, I listen! So I told the farm boss that I was just going to head for home to spend the down time with Bubba and Hank. And there lies another answer to long term sobriety. I now have freedom from the claws of alcohol so I’m willing to make a few small sacrifices to maintain my quit. It all boils down to what’s really important to you.

Drinking isn’t a need, it’s a want, so choose to want sobriety more. It's your choice and it’s a pretty simple one I think.
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Old 11-09-2016, 09:59 AM
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Great post, Abcowboy! Yes, I absolutely agree. I no longer listen to that small voice in my head., because that voice isn't me, it's my Addictive Voice. I ignore it and instead follow the Authentic Voice, my true self and what's best for me: I will never drink again.

Not drinking is FREEDOM!
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Old 11-09-2016, 12:50 PM
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Great powerful post!! Thanks for sharing!!
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Old 11-13-2016, 10:24 AM
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Something I’ve been thinking about over the past few months is that feeling you get when you reach one year of sobriety. I don’t know about everyone else, but it felt like a huge milestone to me, if I could just get to that one year then my struggles would almost go away. And as I went through my journey month after month seeing my sober time increase, knowing that this would be the quit that sticks, I knew what being sober was all about. It wasn’t just about not drinking, it was about being a whole new person. A person that deals with other struggles, emotions, good and bad times, without the need for a crutch.

So where and why did my life change years ago where I started relying on that crutch. What happened that made me think I could bury my life in a bottle and leave it there? I don’t know, but it happened. And when you reach for alcohol once to bury or hide whatever it is you’re feeling, it’s almost certain that you’ll repeat that behaviour. And you’ll do it time and time again till one day you’ll look back, just like I did, and wonder how it all started. To this day I still have a hard time accepting that alcoholism is a disease because for so many years I used it as a remedy. I drank because of other issues, if I could accept and/or solve those issues, I would be able to stop needing alcohol to do it for me.

That then raises another thought. If I get the reasons or excuses I used for my drinking under control, could I not then control my drinking? I’ll never know the answer to that because I’m not willing to take the chance. I’ve went over a year without tasting so much as a drop of alcohol, and you know what, I don’t miss it! It isn’t something that we need like air and water, it isn’t a necessity. But we are lead to believe that through the power of advertising. And other people can’t seem to accept the fact that we choose not to drink. That’s on them, not on me…. Remember, it’s not how much or how often you drink, it’s who you become when you drink….

Yes, I’m glad I don’t drink. I don’t need alcohol to solve my problems, make me happy, make me sad, make me feel good about myself or others, or to feel like I fit in, I had that ability all along, it was inside me…..I just needed to find it again…
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Old 11-25-2016, 05:22 AM
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Almost 2 years sober and Monday I had a fleeting thought of drinking!! Where did that come from?? Well, it came from me, I let it get into my head. And I know better….

I had taken the day off to spend time with my son doing some hunting, it’s the one time of year where it’s just father and son time, and I cherish those days. But my phone kept ringing, people with problems. I could have just shut it off and ignored it, but I have customers that rely on me when they have plumbing and heating problems, so it’s not as simple as just turning off my phone. Around 11 in the morning I got a call from the Rec Centre, they were stalled at getting the curling ice ready for the season because the heaters weren’t working. I went online through an app on my phone and was able to tell that it wasn’t the heaters that were the problem, but the control system that tells them when to start. I didn’t install the control system, but I know a bit about it even though it’s not my area of expertise. The fellow who installed it was unavailable, or wasn’t answering his phone, so I felt obligated to go in and try and help them out. Of course my son heard my side of the conversation and could tell I was a bit perturbed, but he also knew I wouldn’t be able to just walk away. He asked if I was okay, not to let it bother me, just go in and see if I could get the heaters working.

All the way in I let my emotions start to take control, started to think that it wasn’t my problem, let someone else worry about it. And then got to thinking that I deserved a drink to calm down, to not let this problem spoil my day! What a joke, one drink would have turned into 21! And I knew it, I didn’t want one drink, I wanted to get drunk! And that would have ruined my whole day! But it goes to show how sneaky alcohol is, how it tries to convince us that it has all the solutions! Even after almost 2 years, it still tries to get me to cave into it.

Of course I didn’t, I went in, changed a bit of wiring, and got the heaters running on manual. Enough for them to get back working on the ice anyway. And then spent the rest of the day with my son. But the whole evening was a bit of a waste. My mind kept going back to those drinking thoughts. I was a bit short with Bubba and Hank, and I knew it was up to me to change my attitude. So I shut my phone off, and took Hank outside for a bit of alone time in the back yard. When I got back inside, I apologized to Bubba for taking my day out on her, then sat in my chair and got myself wrapped up in a good book.

When we let those thoughts creep in, we have to remind ourselves that we aren’t the only ones affected, it affects those around us as well, and they don’t deserve it, and we don’t either! But it’s who we are, and we have to find the way that helps when those thoughts hit us.

Drinking won’t make our problems any easier, quitting drinking won’t make our problems disappear, but it’s a fact that drinking will most definitely add to our problems…
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Old 11-25-2016, 12:40 PM
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Very good words, cowboy.

We have different lives today than when we thought the answer was in the bottom of a bottle of bourbon or a 24 pack of beer.

I sure don't want to trade my life today for the old days.

It's not a close call.
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Old 12-03-2016, 09:30 AM
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Ho, ho, ho! Tis’ the season to be jolly… but being jolly doesn’t mean having to partake in the kind of holiday cheer that you get from a bottle or can. The holiday season is upon us and the TV’s are full of alcohol and chocolate ads. The chocolate ads appeal to me more than the alcohol ads lol. But in all seriousness, the Christmas season is a hard one for people like us. Staff parties, family get togethers, catching up with old and new friends, celebrating the festive season. Do you have your plan in place to keep your quit alive and strong?

Bubba’s staff Christmas party is on the 11th. this year. It’s going to held at another staff member’s house. I didn’t go last year for a couple of reasons, one; I wasn’t yet a year sober, but had enough sober time in that the “maybe I could have just one” thinking could easily have got to me, and two; I didn’t want the others to feel uncomfortable drinking around me or asking why I wasn’t drinking. We are going this year though because all Bubba’s co-workers and boss now know I quit drinking and why. So I can go and just be my sober self, not worry about how the others act or what they are thinking, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am comfortable with my sobriety in any situation. And I don’t have to worry about being pulled over in a Check-Stop, “No Officer, I haven’t had anything to drink, for almost 2 years as a matter of fact!” Being able to say those words almost make me wish I do get pulled over lol.

The important thing is that you plan in advance, do the things you need to do to protect your quit. Maybe you have to miss certain things just like I did. Maybe you have to take your own AF beverages along. And maybe you need to be proud of the fact that you can celebrate without alcohol! So let’s all remember the true meaning of this season, and celebrate it for what is really means…..
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Old 12-03-2016, 10:07 AM
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Originally Posted by abcowboy View Post
Ho, ho, ho! Tis’ the season to be jolly… but being jolly doesn’t mean having to partake in the kind of holiday cheer that you get from a bottle or can. The holiday season is upon us and the TV’s are full of alcohol and chocolate ads. The chocolate ads appeal to me more than the alcohol ads lol. But in all seriousness, the Christmas season is a hard one for people like us. Staff parties, family get togethers, catching up with old and new friends, celebrating the festive season. Do you have your plan in place to keep your quit alive and strong?

Bubba’s staff Christmas party is on the 11th. this year. It’s going to held at another staff member’s house. I didn’t go last year for a couple of reasons, one; I wasn’t yet a year sober, but had enough sober time in that the “maybe I could have just one” thinking could easily have got to me, and two; I didn’t want the others to feel uncomfortable drinking around me or asking why I wasn’t drinking. We are going this year though because all Bubba’s co-workers and boss now know I quit drinking and why. So I can go and just be my sober self, not worry about how the others act or what they are thinking, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I am comfortable with my sobriety in any situation. And I don’t have to worry about being pulled over in a Check-Stop, “No Officer, I haven’t had anything to drink, for almost 2 years as a matter of fact!” Being able to say those words almost make me wish I do get pulled over lol.

The important thing is that you plan in advance, do the things you need to do to protect your quit. Maybe you have to miss certain things just like I did. Maybe you have to take your own AF beverages along. And maybe you need to be proud of the fact that you can celebrate without alcohol! So let’s all remember the true meaning of this season, and celebrate it for what is really means…..
Fabulous post, abcowboy, as were all of them on this thread. Somehow, I previously missed this thread.

Thanks so much for sharing these thoughts and experiences.

So proud to be on this journey with you.
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Old 12-03-2016, 10:17 AM
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I just now saw this fantastic thread, Cowboy! I'm so enriched and encouraged by it! Thanks for starting it and keeping it going!
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Old 12-03-2016, 10:23 AM
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Thank you for your thoughtful posts, Cowboy. I am still surprised by the number of people, mostly men, but not all, who are not in touch with their feelings. (Sounds trite, I know, but I couldn't think of any other way to say it). It's such a sad way to live, imo. Peace.
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Old 12-03-2016, 10:36 AM
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great thread, abcowboy!
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Old 12-03-2016, 11:06 AM
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I also missed this thread. I'm glad I stumbled across it. A lot of it hits home for me, so thank you.
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Old 12-03-2016, 05:43 PM
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Thanks everyone for the kind words, my counsellor told me all the benefits of journaling, how to re-direct my thoughts and move them in a positive direction. I'm really not sure if a blog or journal are the same, but I wasn't quite sure where to start my journal and figured this Alcoholism forum was as good as any place for it. I am currently posting on 2 other recovery forums as well, but one of them is officially closing down Jan 1st. so I hope to spend more time here helping and supporting where I can.

And if you happen across my posts and find some comfort in them, that's great! But I recommend starting your own journal, your record of your personal road to sobriety. I can guarantee that you'll find it very helpful, both to yourself and also to others. You never know when something you say may just be the thing that someone else needed to hear right at that moment to get them started on their own journey!
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Old 12-05-2016, 03:13 PM
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It’s hard to measure what faith can do for you and it’s even harder to prove. But on the same hand, even though I can’t prove what God has done for me, no one can disprove it either. And there lies the battle both inward and outward about faith and God. As human beings, we tend to always want tangible proof as to why things happen, what makes things work, but why can’t we accept them for just what they are? Some things just can’t be explained. And I’ll give you an example. When I worked full time at our local College, a young male student was found dead early one morning in the common TV room. It was a shock and surprise to his family, friends, fellow students, and all the staff. Of course we cordoned the area off, put sheets up on all the windows, and kept the scene as close to “clean” as we could till the RCMP arrived and took over. A few months later, everyone learned that the autopsy could find no cause of death! Nothing was out of order with the young man. There appeared to be no reason as to why he died. Now imagine yourself as one of the parents, how do you move forward from that? We all want and need answers to our questions, but what if there are none? That is where faith comes in. I believe that God had other plans for this young man, and that is good enough for me to get me through.

And on prayer and the power of prayer. Again, it’s hard to prove and equally as hard to disprove the power of prayer. I’ve had people, in 3d and online who tell me that they pray and pray but God doesn’t listen. I’m not sure there’s a right or wrong way to pray, but I think if I keep asking God to do things for me, leave it up to Him to make everything in my life easy, my prayers will probably go unanswered. I don’t think God does the work for you, I think we need to ask Him for the tools to help make the work easier for ourselves. I know years ago I prayed to God to take away my compulsion to drink, if He had anything to do with me being an alcoholic, then He also had the power to “cure” me. I don’t think it works that way.

Then one fateful night, He did answer my prayer. No, He didn’t “cure” me. No, He didn’t remove my compulsion to drink. But I think He did answer my prayers because I prayed differently. I didn’t ask Him to do the work, I asked Him for the strength and courage to be able to do the work myself. I was sure that all I needed was a bit of guidance from Him to use the tools I had to get sober. It worked, and I know I can’t prove it, but no one will convince me otherwise.

As I’ve said before, and I’ll keep saying it, if you continue to struggle, if you think you are hopeless and ready to give up, why not give prayer a chance. But you have to believe that there is a chance in prayer. Remember, God won’t do the work for you, but He’ll give you what you need to do it yourself! I know, because it happened to me!

I know there are lots of people who are still struggling and I don’t always have something to say, so I put the words in a poem as I took some time to pray…

Lord I’m just an old cowboy
And I’ve broke most of Your rules
Back in the days when I was drinkin’
So I hope You can forgive this fool.

Somehow I lost my faith in You
Somewhere along the way
But You came knocking on my door
And showed me day by day.

So I reckon I can’t ask much more
You’ve given me back my life
My dawg, my friends, my family
And my darlin’ wife.

And Lord I have to thank You
For all the new friends that I’ve met
On my journey to sobriety
And there’s more to meet I bet.

But if You’re up there listening
I have just one more thing to ask
Could You find it in Your heart
To help them with their task?

The task they face is tough You know
You saw how hard I tried
To give up the booze, my sinful ways
Till out to You I cried.

And I know they aren't all God fearin’ folk
And that’s just fine by me
But if You help them out a bit
A Savior You will be.

And some of them won’t admit
It was You who played a hand
If You help them find the strength they need
To make the final stand

But me and You can share a smile
As they leave the booze behind
Cause we’ll know where they got the strength
To get them through this bind.

So I hold my hat and bow my head
This prayer is not for me
It’s for all of those still struggling
That sober they will be!
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