Berrybean

Human nature maybe, but much like resentments being a luxury that we recovering alcoholics can ill afford, thinking in a codie way (judging ourselves or basing our actions on the way we are judged by others now or might be in the future) is also a dubious luxury. Why? Well at the moment it's all very positive because you're on the stage of the see-saw that has them looking at you with envy or desire. As you've already pointed out though, we're likely to spend equal time battling the tendency to be at the other end of the see-saw, thinking and worrying about what negative things they're thinking. The way to find that middle ground for me is to not allow myself to spend time on those thoughts when they come up, just like thoughts about drinking a cool beer, or how unfair it was that x did y to me when I was 14 years old. I play the tape forward to where those thoughts are likely to take me and make the choice to let these thoughts just drift on by. Of course, we do have those thoughts coming into our head, along with loads of other junk, but we don't need to give them importance, either by velcroing ourselves to them, or castigated ourselves for them.

I remind myself every morning, and throughout the day, that it isn't between me and any of those people who I may have power over or them over me... it's between me and my HP. (I use a litany for humility and the Do It Anyway Prayer for this in the morning, and keep those in mind throughout the day, returning to them as needed ). That keeps me in the middle ground, and gives me the strength I need to lean forward into any fears I might have about doing the 'right' thing.

A monk said something that resonated with me a week or so ago... "All saints have a past, and all Christians have a future." And it's true. As long as we remember who it's for, and whose opinion is important in this.

You're doing so well BC. Keep it up xx