August252015

I think I understand what you are saying.

For me....several things here. One, I have to keep getting better at not ascribing intent to people. My first sponsor hammered this home early and my current one keeps it real with me on this one - we just never know someone's intent. We have to see what the actions are. With my boyfriend, the closest person in the world to me, I do operate with the assumption he is acting in a caring way, with best interests for US, because that is how he behaves; that doesn't mean he doesn't upset me occasionally. And our roles as partners in all ways are defined, yet growing and evolving because this is my Big Relationship. With my mother, it is tougher and way more complicated, as another example and she is maddeningly supportive then critical - I have to keep learning to let her fears, insecurities, alcoholism and everything about what's in her head be...just that. And this is further complicated because we have to have a different relationship - one with adult parent/adult child boundaries that are healthy, which was very much not the case for the past 8 or so years. That change is hard and yes, if not scary then unsettling at times.

The addict version of what people can do for us and manipulation- I was a master. With the people important to me, I have had to proactively set some very clear boundaries- and then follow through. Most of this relates to finances and time/help with my mom, for example; I know I could manipulate her to get most anything I want. I don't do that anymore. I also have certain boundaries with my boyfriend about how I have to rebuild my life and he can have an increasingly supportive role (which we both want) which includes money, but he cannot and I will not let him rescue me.

And frankly.....like I say often around here, I just don't keep people in my life that aren't positive contributors to their own lives and therefore great to have the privilege of having in mine....and this includes anyone with whom I would have to question my role/relationship/importance, etc, or anyone where the sole dynamic was one of "addict" behavior. So certain exes, for example, who were enabling and whom I took advantage of, simply aren't in my life.

I'm not sure if all that helps- perhaps my bottom line I'm trying to get across is that we get to choose who we keep in our lives. 99% of the time this is the case, even when we sometimes think it's not (ie a work situation that's tough, like yours), and we truly need to just focus on what our good, healthy approach to maintaining relationships with anyone and everyone is NOW.

Hang in there, BC.