French, I can identify with and relate to much of what you've stated about yourself. I'm contentedly agnostic/atheist and 'powerless' doesn't sit well with me either (maybe it's a gender thing), and the disease model isn't 'whole' in my opinion, though maybe it's a facet of addiction, or a perspective.
I am not in AA but I have been involved with it. I would like to mention the author, historian, and scholar Ernest Kurtz. Have you read of any of his books? The reason I bring this up is because this guy has single-handedly salvaged AA for me. If I were to ever participate in AA again, it would be because of this guy and through his perspective of AA and how it works.
Brainwashing might go on in some circles, and some people might be more susceptible than others to it, but it doesn't have to be this way at all.
If you stay in AA, I encourage you to read some of what Kurtz says about it. It's enlightening.