thank you for the post madgirl, grandiosity really connects with me. I always felt I was a genius when I was a kid, in fact, and I'm a bit embarrassed to admit to it now, but I actually felt I was an angel who was born to help everyone else.
Screwed up thinking.
But 4-17 years because I was blessed with being surrounded by people that loved me and (in modern language) "enabled" my fantasy, once real life kicked in and I realised I wasn't a genius but just an average joe, I couldn't handle it.
I got lucky, (through having a bit of inheritance) to sustain my life fantasy until about 35 But the money ran out and these passed 7 years I've been trying to sustain my fantasy world through booze. It's all ********. It's all deeply personal. But some truths, some realities are too brutal to face alone.
If I don't have a drink after a hard week's work to look forward to, to dull the pain of my massive mistakes, how do I carry on? Not all sins can be atoned for. Not every person gets a second chance.
If I don't drink, what options do I have to relieve the horror show?
I want to stop but I can't see a viable alternative for a man of my years and in my current position without coin.