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How to come to terms with giving up my last pleasure

Old 10-25-2016, 09:08 AM
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How to come to terms with giving up my last pleasure

Hello, my name is Mike. I think I have a problem with booze but I'm fighting admitting it to myself.

Between that second drink and fifth drink I love myself and I'm a great writer, raconteur and I see the world in a kind and generous light. Before the first drink I'm a panic attacky anxious, over-thinking nervous sonoffabitch and I don't like myself.

But after the fifth drink I become maudlin, self-obsessed, dark and full of self-pity about everything that's gone wrong in my life. This pity party inspires me on with the right music to drink 5th to 50th.

However, those first few drinks after abstaining each weekday to get through a week of work feels like nectar, a deserved treat, a chance to get back to the "real me". I can't give it up.

I've battled and got through a nasty gambling addiction, smoked too much weed, done too much coke, chain smoked a pack of Marlboro each day.... I've managed to give them all up. SO - I'm pleading with myself not to please not deny me the last pleasure I have to change my consciousness quickly when I need it.

But I'm posting here because I feel it's becoming a problem. All my working week I'm driving towards the moment I can treat myself to a drink like a dog waiting for it's Boneo. And I find I'm passing the "pleasurable" 5th drink outer marker a bit too often these days.

I'm not ready to admit I'm an alcoholic. I freely admit I have a problem with alcohol but I equally freely admit I also have a problem with life and alcohol is the only thing I have left to self-medicate that in the short term gives me any pleasure and eases my anxiety.

Conflicted much? Surely.

Anyone got any advice please (other than find god and follow the 12 steps). thanks.

BigSur
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Old 10-25-2016, 09:17 AM
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Welcome to SR.

Originally Posted by BigSur View Post
I'm not ready to admit I'm an alcoholic. I freely admit I have a problem with alcohol but I equally freely admit I also have a problem with life and alcohol is the only thing I have left to self-medicate that in the short term gives me any pleasure and eases my anxiety.
Not an alcoholic?

Drinking is merely a symptom of alcoholism. Our problem is with life.
Learning to deal with it without alcohol is the only solution.
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Old 10-25-2016, 09:19 AM
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I guess you could read about why alcohol 'feels' like pleasure. If one were to sum up what you said, you seem to have 'a problem with pleasure'. As in, something that's pleasurable, is really an issue.
The part about 'the right music' and keep on drinking really connected with me, I was the same. There's nothing meaningful about drinking, in truth.

You say you have 'a problem with life', you 'self-medicate' and you look for a short-term fix. That certainly sounds like alcoholism. Add to it that you feel like you're striving toward that weekend 'pleasure'. Since alcohol is poison and you're looking forward to it, I'd say if not yet, then you're well on your way to another 'nasty addiction'.

Quit now, while you're still ahead. Look for counselling, maybe. Or read around here on SR. Booze is a bad place to escape to, mate - it never actually solves any 'problems with life' either. Think short-term vs long-term. You have already overcome abusing other substances - why not kick booze as well?
Good luck
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Old 10-25-2016, 09:21 AM
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How about a thought experiment from an agnostic , non any-'program' bent.

What if it's the part of our thinking/brains/minds that wants/ needs to get to the 48th drink that makes us believe that the 2nd-5th really do the things we/It 'says it does? What if It just lies to get to the 30th ? I guarantee that It doesn't give a flip about the emotional/spiritual/biologic damage that racking up years of 20th's and more cause. It lies , It has to to get the 50th, It needs to start the count, It's goal is to get You to start the count, and then It can take it from there, It Lies.
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Old 10-25-2016, 09:24 AM
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You seem to be living for one hour a week. I get the feeling you want more, and the thing is, if you weren't spending all week waiting for the Friday night beer, you might get to really live a lot more.
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Old 10-25-2016, 09:26 AM
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Hi, BigSur.

Welcome to SR!

It's doesn't matter what term you prefer to use to define your problem, what matter is what you do to change things for better.

Try to look at alcohol not as your last pleasure, but the last pain in disguise of pleasure which block your road to genuine pleasures and joy in life (and it has nothing to do with finding god).

Pleasures of achieving what you want, challenging yourself, gaining self-esteem back , and so much more - they all give that boost of pleasure too. Unlike alcohol though they are earned, not consumed. And, yes, it takes time to re-wire yourself.

These kind of pleasures don't force you to hide from the world and be ashamed of yourself - quite the opposite.

So, you give up one fake pleasure to get access to endless possibilities.

Sounds like a good deal to me.

I used to think life without wine wasn't worth living. I was wrong.

Best wishes to you.

Hang in here - great support and lots of wisdom.
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Old 10-25-2016, 09:39 AM
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I spent most of my life wanting to be somewhere other than where I was or who I was. I worked the steps of AA and learned to be content with who I was and where I was. Until that happened my addictions called the shots.
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Old 10-25-2016, 09:40 AM
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You've gone through a lot of addictions already so you likely know when one has gotten the best of you. Kudos to you for overcoming all that you have.

Alcohol is not the last great pleasure in life! There's running, chocolate and sex that come to mind. Not necessarily in that order :-)

You know that only you can decide if you have a problem with alcohol. If you do, you've found a good place for advice, support and education on the topic
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Old 10-25-2016, 09:49 AM
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When I'm drinking, I always think that booze is the only pleasure. When I stop for a bit, I always rediscover the other pleasures in life. It's a wonder why I keep turning back to the booze. I prefer the other pleasures so much more.
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Old 10-25-2016, 10:05 AM
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Originally Posted by BigSur View Post
I'm not ready to admit I'm an alcoholic. I freely admit I have a problem with alcohol but I equally freely admit I also have a problem with life and alcohol is the only thing I have left to self-medicate that in the short term gives me any pleasure and eases my anxiety.
Welcome Mike, lots of good advice here already. Re-examine your statement above - lots of circular logic going on there, which is very common for those of us with "a problem with alcohol". It doesn't really matter what you call it to be honest - a problem with alcohol is a problem with alcohol. And the solution ( initially ) is to remove alcohol from our lives. After that is where it gets difficult - and I think you realize that the drinking is merely a symptom of a larger problem. The solution to that problem is to find a way to live with life on it's own terms - because "self-medicating" is really just another way of saying "running away/hiding from my problems".

There are may ways to go about it - Meetings, therapy, rehab, detox, self help programs, etc. And many of them involve working on things that really have nothing to do with alcohol....they have to do with learning to fade and deal with life. That might include addressing underlying issues like depression/anxiety/etc. It might include improving your health.

But at the end of the day, none of them will work until you are ready to admit that you need them. And i don't mean standing up and saying "I am an alcholic" - I mean really accepting for yourself that alcohol IS the problem, and that getting rid of it is the only possible solution. You'll find a lot of resources to do just that here if you choose.
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Old 10-25-2016, 11:12 AM
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Mike,
It sounds like you have a very demanding stressful job during your work days. Because you stated you are a "nervous wreck", you over-think, you feel panicky and anxious.

As to the "over-thinking" issue: I totally relate. I have that same issue and sometimes I just wish things would be a bit more simple and not as complex, if that makes any sense! Sometimes I feel like professional problem solver although it's not stated like that in my job description. BUT-(and this is a big but) I love what I do, it pays well with good benefits and there is certain amount of job satisfaction and I enjoy most of my co-workers.

I may be off here. So: what can be done to help you be less anxious, stressed, panicky, and nervous during the week? You've been abstaining on work days and that's good, very good. But when the weekend comes,[ I know how it feels], you feel the urge to "escape" all your worries and stress, 'let your hair down' and just release all the tension.

You're right, alcohol can do that to a certain extent, but alcohol is also a progressive thing. How you once felt with 3 drinks becomes needing more like 5 drinks to get the same effect. I know you know these things, so forgive me if this is redundant.

What has helped me is learning to replace the alcohol with other things that bring me joy, peace, and pleasure. And, the longer I have been sober the better my mind and body feel so that I actually feel like doing other healthy things besides drinking.

I'm like to write too. But really Mike, we can write just as good sober as we did drinking. Really. I've written some of my best songs sober.

I'm just trying to cheer you on bud. Take care...
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Old 10-25-2016, 11:27 AM
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When you talk to people who have worked on their recovery you will hear that they have rediscovered and discovered many other pleasures since getting sober. I have faith that you could and would do the same if you worked a good plan of recovery. If we just remove alcohol then we end up restless, irritable and discontent. But when we fill the void then life is generally more fulfilling. We start to be comfortable with ourselves - even in the solitary, quiet moments. We start to feel a new self-assurance. We learn what serenity is. We start to appreciate things that we completely missed before.

I don't think that alcohol will turn out to be your 'last pleasure'. This isn't just an ending. It is a new beginning. One that can be quite amazing if we're willing to put the work in.
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Old 10-25-2016, 11:38 AM
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thanks for some fantastic responses. I genuinely appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

The thing that's personal to me is I'm scared of the person I am when I'm not drinking.

When I'm not drinking I'm a small-minded mealy-mouthed cluster**** of a man.

I like myself when I'm drinking, so I always want to get back to it.

It's all well and good to say "life is better when you don't drink". I'm honestly not sure I agree.

What do I replace my "reward" with?

How do I immediately connect with the real me?

(And not wishing to sound disrespectful to the person who said "chocolate" or watching box sets of bridget jones, I don't think you really get it.)

Last edited by Dee74; 10-25-2016 at 03:44 PM.
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Old 10-25-2016, 11:41 AM
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Edit.
I'm only posting here because deep down i KNOW i must stop drinking because of how I use it in my head.

What I'm asking is how to replace 30 years of fun/reward/easy self-confidence in a glass, without anything to replace it with except nervousness.

(I'm 42, and already been through years of CBT therapy for my drug/gambling addiction btw. Is it just about being a failed human being and finding an addiction that does the least damage?)

I am a man who has massive low self-esteem issues but conflicted with a massive ego. The friction between the two makes me want to get out of my mind to avoid my damn mind.

mike
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Old 10-25-2016, 11:48 AM
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Welcome Mike,

I hope we can convince you that quitting is not all doom and gloom, quite to the contrary. But you will need to change your mindset about drinking.

You state: "Between that second drink and fifth drink I love myself and I'm a great writer, raconteur and I see the world in a kind and generous light. Before the first drink I'm a panic attacky anxious, over-thinking nervous sonoffabitch and I don't like myself."

Are you aware that repeated alcohol use makes you a nervous wreck and destroys your mental well-being? And then it has the gall to sell itself to you as the answer for the problems it causes, of course until you start drinking and then overreach and suffer the problems that come from drunkenness. Not a pretty situation to be in, I know. The key to escape from the slavery and downward spiral is to change your mindset and to realize that alcohol is the cause of the problem, not the solution. You can feel well again and achieve great health but only by stopping the cycle of dependence. You might want to read the Allen Carr Easyway materials on the subject for a clear understanding.
Hope to see you on the other side!

Cheers.
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Old 10-25-2016, 11:52 AM
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I think recovery involves learning how to change your perspective on yourself. You don't appear to be mealy mouthed in your posts but I get what you're saying. Peace of mind and feeling at ease in your own skin can't be acquired through bottles of booze - we have to grow it.
Doing the work in recovery will start to grow genuine self-esteem.
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Old 10-25-2016, 11:56 AM
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That kind of grandiosity and then a seemingly opposite feeling of low self worth is partly caused by the highs and lows inherent to alcohol abuse - I was the same way.

Starting to level out a bit more at seven months sober time, and it isn't always all "me me ME" inside my thoughts these days which is great
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Old 10-25-2016, 12:01 PM
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My experience has been in sobriety I come to understand who I truly am and not the 007 version sipping shaken / not stirred martinis I thought I was.

The avant garde, raconteur. Ah yes, that's the illusion I cherish! I am one in a million.........

Turns out I am just another cog in the universes wheel. Boy, what a relief to discover that. I learn how to be humble and not humiliated. I become one with others - engaged in life, not deceit. I am an imperfect, spiritual being. God? Idk - really don't have to figure that out today. As if I could..........

Thanks for the reminder of the insanity that kept me in active alcoholism for many, many years.......Glad you joined us.

peace my friend
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Old 10-25-2016, 12:13 PM
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Originally Posted by BigSur View Post
thanks for some fantastic responses. I genuinely appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

The thing that's personal to me is I'm scared of the person I am when I'm not drinking.

When I'm not drinking I'm a small-minded mealy-mouthed clusterfuck of a man.

I like myself when I'm drinking, so I always want to get back to it.

It's all well and good to say "life is better when you don't drink". I'm honestly not sure I agree.

What do I replace my "reward" with?

How do I immediately connect with the real me?

)
Here's some things to think about:

Maybe you're scared of the "non drinking you" because it's been so long since you've really truly been that person. 30 years is a long time. What were you like before you started drinking? Did you like yourself back then? Have you always liked yourself? Or have you struggled with liking yourself?

Okay: I don't know that there is such a thing as immediately connecting with the real you. Sometimes we need to get away from it all; all the distractions and demands that currently take up much time in our lives. The older I get, the more I crave solitude, I don't know about you...

So, who is the real you? Can you answer that? Do you feel like you are at forced to do things you don't enjoy or no longer enjoy? What truly brings you joy? [Minus alcohol] The alcohol haze is not an accurate perception of joy/bliss. It takes us further away from who we really are. Who we really are needs to happen when we are sober. The sober us is closer to who we really are. And, being true ourselves brings us closer to who we really are.

Okay: As to the 'reward'. Isn't living life well a reward in itself? But, maybe somethings missing in your life so you feel you need to reward yourself to make up for it. There are so many other things besides drinking that can be rewarding, Mike. I think you know that. Big hug.





I hope this is helpful.
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Old 10-25-2016, 12:16 PM
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thank you for the post madgirl, grandiosity really connects with me. I always felt I was a genius when I was a kid, in fact, and I'm a bit embarrassed to admit to it now, but I actually felt I was an angel who was born to help everyone else.
Screwed up thinking.
But 4-17 years because I was blessed with being surrounded by people that loved me and (in modern language) "enabled" my fantasy, once real life kicked in and I realised I wasn't a genius but just an average joe, I couldn't handle it.

I got lucky, (through having a bit of inheritance) to sustain my life fantasy until about 35 But the money ran out and these passed 7 years I've been trying to sustain my fantasy world through booze. It's all ********. It's all deeply personal. But some truths, some realities are too brutal to face alone.

If I don't have a drink after a hard week's work to look forward to, to dull the pain of my massive mistakes, how do I carry on? Not all sins can be atoned for. Not every person gets a second chance.

If I don't drink, what options do I have to relieve the horror show?

I want to stop but I can't see a viable alternative for a man of my years and in my current position without coin.
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