Originally Posted by
BigSur 
thanks for some fantastic responses. I genuinely appreciate you all taking the time to respond.
The thing that's personal to me is I'm scared of the person I am when I'm not drinking.
When I'm not drinking I'm a small-minded mealy-mouthed clusterfuck of a man.
I like myself when I'm drinking, so I always want to get back to it.
It's all well and good to say "life is better when you don't drink". I'm honestly not sure I agree.
What do I replace my "reward" with?
How do I immediately connect with the real me?
)
Here's some things to think about
:
Maybe you're scared of the "non drinking you" because it's been so long since you've really truly been that person. 30 years is a long time. What were you like before you started drinking? Did you like yourself back then? Have you always liked yourself? Or have you struggled with liking yourself?
Okay: I don't know that there is such a thing as
immediately connecting with the real you. Sometimes we need to get away from it all; all the distractions and demands that currently take up much time in our lives. The older I get, the more I crave solitude, I don't know about you...
So, who
is the real you? Can you answer that? Do you feel like you are at forced to do things you don't enjoy or no longer enjoy? What truly brings you joy? [Minus alcohol] The alcohol haze is not an
accurate perception of joy/bliss. It takes us further away from who we really are. Who we really are needs to happen when we are sober. The sober us is closer to who we really are. And, being true ourselves brings us closer to who we really are.
Okay: As to the 'reward'. Isn't living life well a reward in itself? But, maybe somethings missing in your life so you feel you need to reward yourself to make up for it. There are so many other things besides drinking that can be rewarding, Mike. I think you know that. Big hug.
I hope this is helpful.