Welcome Mike,
I hope we can convince you that quitting is not all doom and gloom, quite to the contrary. But you will need to change your mindset about drinking.
You state: "Between that second drink and fifth drink I love myself and I'm a great writer, raconteur and I see the world in a kind and generous light. Before the first drink I'm a panic attacky anxious, over-thinking nervous sonoffabitch and I don't like myself."
Are you aware that repeated alcohol use makes you a nervous wreck and destroys your mental well-being? And then it has the gall to sell itself to you as the answer for the problems it causes, of course until you start drinking and then overreach and suffer the problems that come from drunkenness. Not a pretty situation to be in, I know. The key to escape from the slavery and downward spiral is to change your mindset and to realize that alcohol is the cause of the problem, not the solution. You can feel well again and achieve great health but only by stopping the cycle of dependence. You might want to read the Allen Carr Easyway materials on the subject for a clear understanding.
Hope to see you on the other side!
Cheers.