Still sober today, still feel somewhat physically ill. I'll probably remain sober no problem for the next few years or so. But this is my terrible cycle. Years ago when I finally decided I wanted to quit, it was almost like I was so desperate to quit I would intentionally cause some kind of mentally devastating circumstance to make myself see how bad I needed to quit. Then 8 months later fell into it again. I'm not sure if this was all done subconsciously or if I intentionally cause myself pain. But I would start to fantasize, if something terrible happened then I'd realize how much I need to quit. Well I then got a DUI and almost killed myself in a wreck. Bam! I was stone cold sober for 3 years and now this happened. So I'm now in the mindset of I have no doubt I'll never drink again.
I keep creating horrific memories in order to jump start my sobriety, if that is in fact what I'm doing. I don't know if it is, I know I'd sit around and think, if something terrible happened to me I'd bet id stop. Is it possible to get so desperate that I become self destructive in order to save myself?