Notices

Need to talk

Old 10-21-2016, 12:18 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bossier City
Posts: 20
Need to talk

Hello

I relapsed yesterday after 3 years sober. I've been crying for the last 5 hours about what I've done. When I drink I become someone completely different and make terrible decisions. I have been begging and pleading for Jesus to forgive me but I think he's tired of me. I have a 1 month old baby now and don't know what happened. I got drunk and paid a prostitute. I'm mortified by what I've done the pain in my heart and soul is unbearable. How does one come back from such a terrible fall. I have a wonderful family and now this. Please someone help.
romanerin2011 is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 12:23 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Member
 
ardy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Kiddo.. the only one that can change you and forgive you is YOU.. yep..
its terrible but you know what why and how come...
so kiddo bend over and here is a paddle from an Old Mom...

Now buck up.. you are all right.... you need to do some really grand things with your family that loves you so much.. and stay in that path.. and only that path. Please.. prayers for a better tomorrow. a Mom
ardy is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 12:31 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bossier City
Posts: 20
I know it's hard to though. I never imagined I was capable of such evil. Just looking at my son's new baby pictures brings me to tears the amount of shame I've brought to my new family. And the fear of ending up like my dad that died when he was in his 40s from alcohol.
romanerin2011 is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 12:49 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bossier City
Posts: 20
The only hope I get is reading about David and bathseba, if He can forgive someone that murdered another man to get his wife maybe he can forgive me. It's scary how quick the urge came and how quick my personality changed.
romanerin2011 is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 12:58 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
 
ardy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: milwaukee wi
Posts: 3,574
Hi kiddo... I have grown up with a lot of great men My Pop Grand Dads Great Grand Dad and Great Uncles and Uncles... the only thing that can make them Mr Hyde is the drinking.. new baby..kiddo stay home with that lovely wife of yours and that Baby and find out the true meaning of Family and Life right there... for with out them .. your life would be so much emptier then you ever could imagine.. trust me... the only time I turn in to my Pop is when I am pushed to much.. but when I drank that push could be just a tap.. and I was a mean nasty to the throat Marine Drill master... my kids even say they were afraid for the one that pushed a tiny bit to much... prayers for a better tomorrow.. what is important the drink or the family.. the ***** or your good woman.. remember Dear Heart you made a promise in front of your God and Family.. forever and ever... my Mom and Pop in law had their 65 wedding ann.. and then Charlie passed away.. he never faultered.. never wandered.. and in the 25 years I knew him he only had a wandering eye once.. and I introduced him to the best pals of mine a couple of Ladies that under everything were so much of the male he was.. after that he held tight to my wake. hahahahaha prayers for a smarter tomorrow..
ardy is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 01:12 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bossier City
Posts: 20
I really do appreciate the kind words I somewhat feel guilty for feeling a little better. I feel like I committed murder but I just don't want this to define the rest of my life. I considered myself to be a decent man, I suppose decent men are capable of atrocities like this. I've just never felt this kind of pain and I'm the one who caused it. I feel maybe I should tell my wife of everything I've done as a drunk and this recent relapse but then very likely loose my entire new family over something that is not of me.
romanerin2011 is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 01:15 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
Community Greeter
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,416
Romaner - I'm so glad you joined us. This is a great place for encouragement as you take control of your life.

I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling over what happened. Alcohol turned me into someone I didn't even recognize. I drank for many years & did a lot of foolish things. It had once been a fun way to relax, but in the end unpredictable & dangerous things happened. You can reclaim your life. Please keep reading and posting.
Hevyn is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 01:23 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bossier City
Posts: 20
I had control over my life, I just don't know what happened. I absolutely hate myself, I was finally getting to that point of serenity in my life. Forgetting all the terrible things I've done. Now I'm back to square one. And especially doing something like this, what kind of Christian man does this is what I keep asking myself.
romanerin2011 is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 01:32 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 2,950
Originally Posted by romanerin2011 View Post
Hello

I relapsed yesterday after 3 years sober. I've been crying for the last 5 hours about what I've done. When I drink I become someone completely different and make terrible decisions. I have been begging and pleading for Jesus to forgive me but I think he's tired of me. I have a 1 month old baby now and don't know what happened. I got drunk and paid a prostitute. I'm mortified by what I've done the pain in my heart and soul is unbearable. How does one come back from such a terrible fall. I have a wonderful family and now this. Please someone help.
You are human. God doesn't love us because of who we are, He loves us because of who He is. Nothing we can do can change that.

You wouldn't be in such pain if you didn't have a good heart. You are a good person and you can always be better. You will get through this and move forward. Just take it a day at a time.
BrendaChenowyth is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 01:53 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
ScottFromWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by romanerin2011 View Post
what kind of Christian man does this is what I keep asking myself.
You won't find an answer there. You have the power and the choice to turn this around, but the only possible way is if you stop drinking right now. That is ALL that matters at this point. How you got to where you are and what you've done is something that cannot be changed. You can change how you react though. Self doubt and self-pity will not help - you need to seek out help right now, this minute - which you are doing here today. Have you done any local recovery via groups or meetings before? That would be another good place to start - and you can do it today if you choose.

We've all done things we regret...but we also have choices. I hope you can find some time to day to make some positive strides back to getting sober again.
ScottFromWI is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 01:59 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bossier City
Posts: 20
Thanks for saying really got me in tears, sorry for being so emotional but I'm a wreck right now. Just looking at my son brings me to my knees, I can't allow him to see his dad die in his 40s. I just want forgiveness, the book says if you ask he will grant forgiveness I just don't feel forgivin, I suppose it will take the better part of the year to get guilt relief, I just can't allow myself to be tempted to drink ever again. 3 years down the drain, my peace, my vows, my outlook on life down the drain in a matter of seconds.
romanerin2011 is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 02:07 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
 
Algorithm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by romanerin2011 View Post
I feel maybe I should tell my wife of everything I've done as a drunk and this recent relapse but then very likely loose my entire new family over something that is not of me.
Given that there is a new baby and mother involved, I would encourage giving some thought to that idea before actually acting on it. Honesty is usually nice, but not in the service of causing unnecessary pain and destruction to others.

You must absolutely get tested for any and all possible sexually-transmitted diseases as soon as humanly possible, however, and regularly for a while thereafter. Check with doctors about how long that should be given your family situation. You must not put your wife and child in any personal danger from your actions.

That child will need its mother at full capacity for many years to come, and there is also a risk for him. No excuses on this count.
Algorithm is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 03:52 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,046
Hi and welcome romanerin2011

I disgusted myself so much I couldn't look at myself in the mirror.

I finally realised I could be the man I knew I could be, or I could drink but never both.

I believe you're already forgiven - God can move mountains - but He expects us to pick up a shovel too

D
Dee74 is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 04:13 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: US
Posts: 5,095
Hey roman

Alcoholism is ugly. Demoralizing, agonizing. But you don't have to do this again.

Have you thought of a f2f program like AA or Celebrate Recovery? Your higher power isn't sick of you. He just wants you to get into recovery and walk a path that is in line with your values.

Telling your wife? Um, think long and hard about that one. The only thing I can say is if you weren't, ehem, careful you may want to get checked out by a dr. Know what I'm saying?

Hang in there.
entropy1964 is offline  
Old 10-21-2016, 04:52 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 8,704
Hi,
I can understand feeling very broken up about it, but I think you must move forward. Think it through to its logical conclusion....you have no choice but to move forward. What are the alternatives? stay drunk? That's not going to happen, right. If you are a religious person, go confess your sins, put this behind you and be a great father. Wish you the best.
thomas11 is offline  
Old 10-22-2016, 04:29 AM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
waynetheking's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2013
Location: fort worth tx
Posts: 1,373
None of us are in our right mind while being drunk. It's part of this disease.
You didn't loose 3 years. You lost 1 day. Just don't drink today and keep going.
Ask your higher power for help. It will come.
waynetheking is offline  
Old 10-22-2016, 02:19 PM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bossier City
Posts: 20
Still sober today, still feel somewhat physically ill. I'll probably remain sober no problem for the next few years or so. But this is my terrible cycle. Years ago when I finally decided I wanted to quit, it was almost like I was so desperate to quit I would intentionally cause some kind of mentally devastating circumstance to make myself see how bad I needed to quit. Then 8 months later fell into it again. I'm not sure if this was all done subconsciously or if I intentionally cause myself pain. But I would start to fantasize, if something terrible happened then I'd realize how much I need to quit. Well I then got a DUI and almost killed myself in a wreck. Bam! I was stone cold sober for 3 years and now this happened. So I'm now in the mindset of I have no doubt I'll never drink again.

I keep creating horrific memories in order to jump start my sobriety, if that is in fact what I'm doing. I don't know if it is, I know I'd sit around and think, if something terrible happened to me I'd bet id stop. Is it possible to get so desperate that I become self destructive in order to save myself?
romanerin2011 is offline  
Old 10-22-2016, 03:18 PM
  # 18 (permalink)  
 
Algorithm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by romanerin2011 View Post
I'll probably remain sober no problem for the next few years or so...
Probably? There is a gigantic disconnect here. Can you see this?

Originally Posted by romanerin2011 View Post
I keep creating horrific memories in order to jump start my sobriety, if that is in fact what I'm doing.
I think you may be overlooking something that could be very useful for you. You obviously have a sense of guilt, and morality, and you damn yourself and feel guilty about all of the bad things that you do after you drink, because they are reprehensible and immoral.

Do you do any of those terrible, immoral things when you don't drink, however? I would wager not. Probably, you are a rather decent person when you are sober, and your conscience is intact.

Here is the thing, though, which some people never consider. If drinking obliterates your moral conscience, and sets you loose upon society as if you had no conscience at all, doesn't that make drinking, in and of itself, the most immoral act of all?

In other words, is it right or wrong for you to drink, in the strictest moral sense?

If you can answer this definitively, it will make your task much easier.
Algorithm is offline  
Old 10-22-2016, 04:09 PM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Bossier City
Posts: 20
I guess probably is not the right word. I KNOW that I won't drink and don't ever want to again, I never did want to get back into drinking. My cravings show up out of no where. This passed relapse I had no intention of drinking. I was on my way to the grocery store and it started raining. I passed a gas station and it hit me. I won't be able to work outside, I'll be alone, and I turned around. I was pretty upset with myself as I was checking out but I did it anyway. No drinking is not morally OK with me. I fantasize now about 5 years passing by and saying man, it's great to be sober and maybe this memory I've created for myself will die.
romanerin2011 is offline  
Old 10-22-2016, 07:05 PM
  # 20 (permalink)  
 
Algorithm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2016
Posts: 847
Originally Posted by romanerin2011 View Post
My cravings show up out of no where. This passed relapse I had no intention of drinking.
This thing cunningly boasts of its own silence. I've probably said it elsewhere, but I will say it again here. If you hear "I have no desire to drink", that is simply a plan to drink in the presence of that desire at some point in the future.

Originally Posted by romanerin2011 View Post
I passed a gas station and it hit me... I turned around. I was pretty upset with myself as I was checking out but I did it anyway.
There it is right there.

Originally Posted by romanerin2011 View Post
No drinking is not morally OK with me.
That's a step in the right direction. Just how "not morally OK" is drinking for you, though? Say, on a scale from 1 to 10. Is there anything more "not morally OK" than drinking?

Bearing in mind, once again, that alcohol obliterates your conscience, and that you therefore can't predict what you might do, or the resulting damage, once under the influence?
Algorithm is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:37 PM.