Ezzedee

Hi All
I am 35 year old intelligent female who is hopelessly in love with a lying cheating drug addict! We have been together 2 years and as the usual story goes I have been in an emotional hell for the last 2 months! After my addict left me for another woman twice! Yes twice I took him back once and two weeks later it happened again!

I met him 2 years ago 3 weeks after he had been released from jail (yes red flag already!) he was genuinely interested in moving on with his life, being a father to his son and seemed excited about his future! He was nervous, charming and at that point straight. He was so unsure of himself and I found that sweet!

Time progressed we did things properly he took me for dates, weekends away, attending family functions together etc. All his family commented this was the happiest/ straightest and most motivated the had seen him in 20 years. He has battled substance abuse/ jail & crime since he was 17 he is now 40. Fast forward we got our own place, we had his son and things seemed to be going well!!! Then the slipping started! Money in accounted for, time un accounted for not answering his phone etc! I knew something wasn't right but he was always home by the time I got home from work with a coffee made, house clean and a good excuse!! He never stole from me, I never saw any physical evidence of drug use and he did not treat me badly! But always being asleep on the couch of an evening started to get at me!!

About 6 months ago I noticed the lies even about stupid little things! There would always be an excuse first it was pills....I ran in to so and so and just had one, then we graduated to meth each time I would be sucked in by the I'll change bullcrap, I can't lose you! It got to a boiling point when his paranoia was getting he better of him! We had a huge fight I said it was over and I couldn't do it anymore, we cried for hours together and finally I decided to give him another go! Two days later he has taken off (he has never done this before) he didn't contact me for 4 days I found him and asked what was going on, he was a wreck, he had lost weight was high as a kite and actually let me see syringes in his pocket! He told me he had cheated on me and was doing really stupid things (this coming from a guy who couldn't be honest if he tried) I was that shocked I couldn't even react. He was standing there stone cold with tears rolling down his face saying his not sure how he feels but he still loves me but he is gone! He was gone for 3 weeks he was with the girl he had met and they just used drugs everyday and commuted crimes. This ended with them both in hospital both had Od from heroin. His mum called me and I went to see him he was a shadow of the man I met he had lost so much weight and I could c every bone in his body! He cowered in a corner crying all I could do was cry also. I took him back and he faced everybody including my mother, our landlord who is a police officer and took full responsibility for what he had done, this is something he has never done....he usually deflects any responsibility.

The promises, the apologies he cried for 4 days over what he did to me! I was the first straight relationship he has ever had, done normal things with and talked about a life and future with, he started a psychologist and got back on methadone! I thought finally he has had a rock bottom moment but wow was I wrong!

2 weeks later he was gone again! It has been 5 weeks and he is with the same girl (she is a drug addict also) apparently they bumped in to each other!!! For the first few days he msgd me but would not answer my calls, his msgs said his sorry, he loves me, he didn't mean for this to happen!!! The usual I guess of that situation. I found out a few days later he was with the same girl....I tried everything begging, being nasty, pleading to him to remember me and his son, nothing worked!!! The both times he has done this it has been a binge that has spiralled out of control! To the point he has gone to far and he knows he can not get out and the drugs have taken over! He is active addict once again.

I know I have to let this go but I am heart broken, how did I not see this coming, how could I b so stupid to let him back? Now apparently these two are in love, getting sober and going to show everyone it's true love!! Although I know this is crap it hurts none the less!! Does this women actually mean something to him? He has not contacted me since I found out he was with her, however he has contacted his mum and my sister pretending to be someone else!! He has left all his stuff at our house and moved an hour away with her.

I feel so used and disrespected, cause I believe we had something special. It was the first time he had ever tried and the first time he had ever given normal a go. All the things we talked about, his life, his regrets etc it just feels all like bullcrap now....was I a use he whole time or was I just cast aside once the addiction took back hold, he thanked this girl for giving him her heart again and how they will go far and show everybody it's love!! Is this for real??? How can you just cut off your family, your child and a loving partner for a drug binge and another drug user?

I know eventually he will go back to jail and that is when all the regret will creep in and he will want to make amends....as much as I love him I do not want to find myself victim to this again, I believe he did love me and genuinely wanted to make a better life for himself but he succumbed to his demons and they took over again, I am just lost. I fight through tears to have good days and am an idiot for thinking love was enough to conquer his addictions (he has been an addict for over 20 years) was I played all along? Was I manipulated? Was this a game? I am so confused how a person can do this? Then just take off with another person and feel nothing. Ultimately I do not understand addiction enough to accept that this is what happens!!! Drugs could make the person I love and who I thought loved me just leave!!! With not a word, it's insane

Any insight would be good!