Moving on and sticking to it - letting go of the Addict

Old 10-11-2016, 10:56 PM
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Moving on and sticking to it - letting go of the Addict

Hi All
I am 35 year old intelligent female who is hopelessly in love with a lying cheating drug addict! We have been together 2 years and as the usual story goes I have been in an emotional hell for the last 2 months! After my addict left me for another woman twice! Yes twice I took him back once and two weeks later it happened again!

I met him 2 years ago 3 weeks after he had been released from jail (yes red flag already!) he was genuinely interested in moving on with his life, being a father to his son and seemed excited about his future! He was nervous, charming and at that point straight. He was so unsure of himself and I found that sweet!

Time progressed we did things properly he took me for dates, weekends away, attending family functions together etc. All his family commented this was the happiest/ straightest and most motivated the had seen him in 20 years. He has battled substance abuse/ jail & crime since he was 17 he is now 40. Fast forward we got our own place, we had his son and things seemed to be going well!!! Then the slipping started! Money in accounted for, time un accounted for not answering his phone etc! I knew something wasn't right but he was always home by the time I got home from work with a coffee made, house clean and a good excuse!! He never stole from me, I never saw any physical evidence of drug use and he did not treat me badly! But always being asleep on the couch of an evening started to get at me!!

About 6 months ago I noticed the lies even about stupid little things! There would always be an excuse first it was pills....I ran in to so and so and just had one, then we graduated to meth each time I would be sucked in by the I'll change bullcrap, I can't lose you! It got to a boiling point when his paranoia was getting he better of him! We had a huge fight I said it was over and I couldn't do it anymore, we cried for hours together and finally I decided to give him another go! Two days later he has taken off (he has never done this before) he didn't contact me for 4 days I found him and asked what was going on, he was a wreck, he had lost weight was high as a kite and actually let me see syringes in his pocket! He told me he had cheated on me and was doing really stupid things (this coming from a guy who couldn't be honest if he tried) I was that shocked I couldn't even react. He was standing there stone cold with tears rolling down his face saying his not sure how he feels but he still loves me but he is gone! He was gone for 3 weeks he was with the girl he had met and they just used drugs everyday and commuted crimes. This ended with them both in hospital both had Od from heroin. His mum called me and I went to see him he was a shadow of the man I met he had lost so much weight and I could c every bone in his body! He cowered in a corner crying all I could do was cry also. I took him back and he faced everybody including my mother, our landlord who is a police officer and took full responsibility for what he had done, this is something he has never done....he usually deflects any responsibility.

The promises, the apologies he cried for 4 days over what he did to me! I was the first straight relationship he has ever had, done normal things with and talked about a life and future with, he started a psychologist and got back on methadone! I thought finally he has had a rock bottom moment but wow was I wrong!

2 weeks later he was gone again! It has been 5 weeks and he is with the same girl (she is a drug addict also) apparently they bumped in to each other!!! For the first few days he msgd me but would not answer my calls, his msgs said his sorry, he loves me, he didn't mean for this to happen!!! The usual I guess of that situation. I found out a few days later he was with the same girl....I tried everything begging, being nasty, pleading to him to remember me and his son, nothing worked!!! The both times he has done this it has been a binge that has spiralled out of control! To the point he has gone to far and he knows he can not get out and the drugs have taken over! He is active addict once again.

I know I have to let this go but I am heart broken, how did I not see this coming, how could I b so stupid to let him back? Now apparently these two are in love, getting sober and going to show everyone it's true love!! Although I know this is crap it hurts none the less!! Does this women actually mean something to him? He has not contacted me since I found out he was with her, however he has contacted his mum and my sister pretending to be someone else!! He has left all his stuff at our house and moved an hour away with her.

I feel so used and disrespected, cause I believe we had something special. It was the first time he had ever tried and the first time he had ever given normal a go. All the things we talked about, his life, his regrets etc it just feels all like bullcrap now....was I a use he whole time or was I just cast aside once the addiction took back hold, he thanked this girl for giving him her heart again and how they will go far and show everybody it's love!! Is this for real??? How can you just cut off your family, your child and a loving partner for a drug binge and another drug user?

I know eventually he will go back to jail and that is when all the regret will creep in and he will want to make amends....as much as I love him I do not want to find myself victim to this again, I believe he did love me and genuinely wanted to make a better life for himself but he succumbed to his demons and they took over again, I am just lost. I fight through tears to have good days and am an idiot for thinking love was enough to conquer his addictions (he has been an addict for over 20 years) was I played all along? Was I manipulated? Was this a game? I am so confused how a person can do this? Then just take off with another person and feel nothing. Ultimately I do not understand addiction enough to accept that this is what happens!!! Drugs could make the person I love and who I thought loved me just leave!!! With not a word, it's insane

Any insight would be good!
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Old 10-12-2016, 04:37 AM
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Hi, Ezzedee, and welcome. I am sorry you are in so much pain. I don't have much experience with loved ones who are deep into drugs, but there are many on this site who do. Hopefully, they will have some thoughts for you. In the meantime, please take of yourself and the child who is now part of your life. There are "stickies " at the top of the main menu that contain much information about addiction and the effect on loved ones. Good luck. Peace.
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Old 10-12-2016, 06:00 AM
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I am so so sorry that you are going through this. It's amazing what drug addiction can do. How much it can take from the user and from loved ones. It's heartbreaking.
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Old 10-12-2016, 06:04 AM
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Hi Ezzedee. Our stories are a little similar.

My now ex boyfriend and I were together 5 years. He his his percocet addiction from me the whole time. He told me a few years ago he took them occasionally for his chronic pain, but at the time I had no idea how terrible these drugs were.

He came clean to me and his parents a few months ago about how bad it was getting the past 2 years. He denied needing to go to therapy. He said all he needed to do was go to the doctor and get his chronic abdominal pain figured out and under control and he knew he could stop the pills. At the time I believed him, but not so much now. He's addicted. He's tried quitting on his own and couldn't

There were so many times throughout the years that he'd be so sick that he couldn't get off the couch for days. He'd ache, chill, throw up, and could do nothing be sleep. He told me he just caught something and was sick. I took such good care of him. Tending to him, massaging him when he hurt, etc. Now I know those were times when he was going through withdrawal.

After he came clean about his problem a few months ago he decided he was going to quit them. He last 2, maybe 3 weeks and was back on them again. And it got more and more frequent. I became paranoid every time he got a text, sent a text, was on the phone, went somewhere. It was miserable because all I wanted to do was trust him and believe him but the trust was gone.

He left me at the end of May and is with some else. I'm positive they were talking while we were still together. And I haven't heard from him since. 5 years with him, we told each other we were the loves of our lives, and now he's gone. Just like that.

I've been having a very difficult time with sadness and depression. But then I remind myself of the emotional roller coaster our relationship was. How miserable he could be when he coming off these pills. The lies. The betrayal. How I could never trust him again. I still love him so much, but I just can't go through all that a again. I feel like our entire relationship was one big lie.

So I can understand completely how you are feeling and I'm so sorry. It's a terrible pain. (hugs).
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Old 10-12-2016, 04:25 PM
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I intend on keeping contact with his son but at the moment it is a little painful! That child become a big part of my life and I feel like I would let him down just like his father if I disappear. He knows what's happened, well he knows his dad had gone and is only thinking of himself (his words) he also asked if I still love him even though I'm not with his dad ( talk about heart breaking) his family for the first time ever have cut him off aswell. They have been putting up with it for years, his mum said she has realised now she was just used to him doing this but now she has seen how it really is because he has done it to me! Drugs really do change people and for some reason I keep trying to convince myself he must really like this other girl or he wouldn't have left! But then I have a moment of clarity and see it for what it really is! It's not about me, her or his son it's about the drugs! I'm just in a hole at the moment as I gave up my job and our house so that we could focus on him!!! Then he just leaves! I would never be able to trust him again, not after the things I've seen he has messaged to her, it's true u do feel like everything is a lie......the doubt creeps in, it's so horrible!

Thank you for your replies
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Old 10-12-2016, 05:00 PM
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Being in a relationship with a lying cheating addict can cause you to really question yourself and doubt yourself. You can feel like a fool. But, you aren't. Hard core addicts fill up their time and lives in chasing the next high and trying to cover it up. They are married to it. Hang in there and take especially good care of yourself.
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Old 10-12-2016, 06:10 PM
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Originally Posted by Ezzedee View Post
Drugs really do change people and for some reason I keep trying to convince myself he must really like this other girl or he wouldn't have left! But then I have a moment of clarity and see it for what it really is! It's not about me, her or his son it's about the drugs!
I think about this a lot too. I wonder why the heck he chose HER over ME??! I've got so much more to offer him. What is so great about her? And then I think.....it's either that she has no idea about his struggles and addiction (since she lives 5 hours away) OR she is also a druggie and he's just using her for the pills etc.
Either way it's f****d up. I can't hardly stand to think about it. It almost drives me crazy. I hate this disease. I hate what it does to people. I hate how helpless I feel. I hate that I still love him.
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Old 10-12-2016, 07:38 PM
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I have spent a lot of time doing my head in over this part!!! The only answers I can come up with is that well in my situation she accepts it!!! I know she supplies a lot of his pills and gives him money to score! I would never do that and he would never ask me too!! I think when the addiction is getting to much and anything threatens to take it away they disappear!! I don't know if drug addicts even think when in active addiction but I think it also stems from the hurt they cause to the loved one.....out of sight out of mind! Cause if ever a thought or a memory pop in to their head the pain would be unbearable, best way to stop that is to get high again! That or they are just selfish pigs and that is probably the truest answer! I still think everyday is he ok, has he eaten is he mentally stable. Most days I just wait for his mum to call me and tell me his dead or in jail! They can not be mentally stable because I just can not cut people off like that without feeling, even if you have outgrown a relationship or you no longer feel the same about a person from a normal persons perspective you break up! Offer some ******** excuse collect your things and move along! When people just disappear like that it's guilt! They can not face what they have done so they use its a vicious cycle!
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Old 10-12-2016, 07:43 PM
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I also feel he has left all his stuff with me deliberately! He had plenty of chances to take it and he didn't, I thought he would ask his mother to come get it or ask I drop it off......nothing! This is why I am worried he will one day pop up again! Most likely a letter or call from Jail! I need to get rid of his stuff it's a constant reminder daily!
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Old 10-16-2016, 05:51 AM
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So get rid of it--put it out on the porch, tell his family to get it or you will
donate to charity, etc. and change the locks.

Yes, I agree is is leaving you to be his storage unit because
it's free, and it gives him a line back into your life.

That doesn't have to be the case if you take action, however,
and get it out by next week one way or another.

I'm sorry for all you've been through.
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Old 10-16-2016, 07:18 AM
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sometimes the ONLY solution is to walk away. far far away.

you mentioned you met him straight out of jail and acknowledge it was a red flag. yes a really really big one. and that he had been in trouble with drugs and jail all of his adult life. so what he is doing now is really just a continuum.....he's doing what he's always done. this behavior IS his baseline. and it's best just to leave him to it.

round up his stuff and get it out of your house.
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Old 10-16-2016, 04:00 PM
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Ann
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....as much as I love him I do not want to find myself victim to this again,
Smart thinking girl. As Anvilhead said, the ONLY solution is to walk away. To remain is just to repeat the pain/hope/more pain cycle over and over until you do, finally say "enough".

Have his family pick up his stuff or drop it at their place...or donate it...but the sooner you clean house, the sooner you will be free of all contact.

Hugs
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