I had a long talk with my sponsor and my spiritual advisor.
I don't do well around my family ANYWAY. They are VERY dysfunctional. I'm 16 months sober and I cannot be around them very often. I feel bad about that but maybe, at some point in my recovery, I can engage with them more often. Every time I go home I leave with my tail between my legs feeling absolutely freaking worthless and useless. I can't do it anymore. It seems to be getting worse...the further along I get....the less I can tolerate my family. I've decided I will volunteer at a soup kitchen this Thanksgiving and maybe Christmas as well. I went for a walk on my lunch break. I talked to a couple of folks...2 fellow alkies who are sober, and a close friend who has a strong walk with God. I'm messy. Life's messy. It is ok. I don't have to be perfect. I can't be perfect because I am NOT God. I am doing the best that I can with what I have and what I am dealing with and I am willing to continue to grow. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that I am only 16 months sober...I'm still trying out solid foods. I can relax. Thanks all. XOXOXO