Bunny211

As you guys know, I am awaiting tests which will tell me if I have the breast cancer gene. If I do, I will have to have preventative mastectomy and they will want to take my ovaries too. I might not get a chance to have children. It has been bothering me for a while, before I had the test, and now...waiting for the results. I'm 16 months sober and my life is not where I would like it to be. I'm 34. No boyfriend,no husband, no prospects. I'm switched from "I'm living life and as long as I don't drink I will be ok...my focus is on NOT drinking" to "I'm trying to live abundantly with this disease of distorted thinking and immaturity." Anyway I went away with my family for the long weekend. My sister in law revealed she is pregnant. I felt crushed and hopeless....like...that will never happen to me...I'm going to be alone and miserable for life. ME ME ME ME. And then I HATED myself that I reacted that way rather than sharing in their joy and being excited to be an aunt. I really, truly worry that I am a narcissist and an evil, horrible person. Like, NORMAL people don't do this! Whyyyyyyyyy do I do this?! I spent one night silently weeping and begging God to make me a good person and take away my selfishness. I took my god daughter to a petting zoo. I went to a meeting. I made an amends to my brother and sister in law and I felt better about that. But I keep going back and I am like OH MY GOD I am so horrible. I have such dark, selfish, evil thoughts. I mean I really wanted to kill myself this weekend. I cannot drink. I cannot reach for a substance to FIX me anymore. And I am still learning to trust and rely on God. I keep falling into the same patterns of negative thinking and I destroy myself and scare myself and then I think my only option is to end my life because honestly, the emotional pain I am feeling right now is far greater than anything I ever felt while I was drinking. NOTE: I am NOT suicidal but these thoughts run through my head from time to time and SCARE me. I'm a terrible sister and daughter and I think my family is scared of me and I am scared of myself because my thinking is so whacked.


8 days till I get test results.


Could use support and prayers because I am really struggling these days.

ScottFromWI

Do you seek professional help from a counselor or therapist Bunny? The fact that you are contemplating suicide is a very serious issue. Many of the self-loathing and self-hate issues you speak about are very curable and possibly a sign of an underlying condition, I really hope you can seek some help to find out what might be going on. And if you are actually considering suicide please call 911 or a local help line now.

Bunny211

Yes I do have a counselor. I am NOT actively thinking about suicide. I am NOT going to harm myself. But the thoughts run through my mind from time to time...I'd be lying if I said they didn't. I thought they were just part of alcoholism. Not depression or anxiety but full blown crazy alcoholic thinking. Are they not?

ScottFromWI

That's good to hear. Is your therapist aware of the struggles you are currently facing? Would he/she be surprised to read your original post from this thread if you were to print it out and take it with to a session? I've actually done that before when I feel i'm not communicating my issues properly either with a doctor or a therapist - somehow writing it down and handing it over is easier than saying things out loud initially.

You did say "I mean I really wanted to kill myself this weekend. " you can see how someone reading that here might have been concerned, right?

Soberpotamus

Bunny, I've faced dark nights and wondering whether I'm flawed, bad, narcissistic, and god knows what else. Truly, I believe that because you are concerned with your own morality, that you aren't a bad person. On the contrary.

I have also had suicidal thoughts, many times, never with the intent to act on them.

Many people have them.

Alcoholic thinking? Maybe. Or human thinking.

I have survivor's guilt, regular guilt, and complicated grief over my mom's suicide and the events surrounding it. Lots of guilt, sadness, anger, and so on.

What you feel about your sister-in-law being pregnant is quite understandable, in my opinion. Don't feel too bad feeling this way. I really mean that. It will pass.

That said, have you considered trying to conceive without a partner?

BullDog777

Good Lord, Bunny, put the bat away. Stop beating yourself up. You're going through a horribly scary waiting period that could very well define alot of your life and you're worried that your envy makes you a bad and horrible person?

That revelation in and of itself has already told me what you won't let yourself see and that is change. I'm pretty sure the Bunny of 16 months ago wouldn't have sought help like you are, recognized your thinking patterns... no matter how normal and justified they are right now and sure as s#it not tried to make amends, gone to a meeting or spent time with your God daughter.

In the end, it is what it is. All you have to do is show up. Nothing says you have to trust God right now, or be happy joyous or free. You just have to not drink or drug.

My prayers the first week I got out of ICU after almost dying from my last bender was, "God, I know there's no way I can walk away from this unscathed. I've done too much damage for too long. Please help me." That was all I could manage, and that was enough for me at the time.

Do yourself a favor. Treat yourself like a good friend for the next week. Do something nice for yourself every day. Surround yourself with those who will lift you up no matter how dark you feel.

Just survive the next week, no matter what. Nothing is written in stone yet.

Thank you for your sharing. You helped me a great deal today, and I'll pray that you find peace and good health.

Bunny211

Yes I do see that and I do appreciate the concern. I don't want to end up in a loony bin in sobriety and I am scared because I cannot get a freaking handle on my emotions.

ScottFromWI

As a forum leader I tend to err on the side of caution so whenever I see someone mention the "S" word I kind of go on auto pilot, I didn't mean to alarm you or others.

I get what you mean about the emotions too. My situation is much different than yours, but I dealt with pretty serious health anxiety and GAD which actually got worse about 1.5 years into my sobriety. I too felt very scared about "losing control" and what might happen if I simply went completely off my rocker. I've learned a lot over the last year or so about anxiety from counseling and also a lot from people right here on SR.

I think the most important thing I've learned from them is that it's OK to feel off at times and that as human beings we simply aren't going to be even-keeled and calm all the time. There are so many things in life that are beyond our control and almost every time I had bad anxiety it was because I was either worrying about or trying to control something that was not under my control. I can tell you with absolute certainly that if I were in your shoes and awaiting the results of a cancer screening ( which I was a few years ago ) that I would be extremely anxious. Over the past couple years though I've learned to accept that its OK to be anxious - my issue is that i over-react at times. But there are ways to mitigate that, just as you will be able to find ways to mitigate your issues.

Gilmer

I believe that we are all hardwired to be selfish at the core. Recognizing it and rejecting it as a modus operandi, though, is a very good and mentally sound thing.

The fact that you tried to show happiness for your sister-in-law's pregnancy even though though it was killing you inside shows excellence in your character.

Definitely talk through these issues and pour your heart out in prayer--but please know that you're not some kind of monster for having these bitter feelings. You ended up conducting yourself nobly.

Anyway, though you are right to fight selfishness, there is absolutely nothing wrong with loving self-care. Treat yourself like a queen this week (and for as long as your emotions are raw).

fini

dear Bunny,

yes, 'normal' people do this. it is not an 'alcoholic' trait.
Bunny, you are going through a big scare, and waiting for info that's a huge thing. and depending on the info, there will be tough action.
there is nothing trivial about this situation,. or about you in it. just as there is nothing trivial in your initial reaction to your s-i-l's pregnancy, one of the very possibilities which might be closed off to you.
there is nothing narcissistic about your emotions here.
and certainly not about your actions.

i read recently that we/so many of us don't recognize 'spiritual awakening' because we expect/want/think we need to see a "big thing" and don't recognize the moments, small moments of change, of a slightly different response...or if we recognize them, we dismiss them. as too small. not good enough.
might you be doing that?
i don't know, but looks like it from here.

i'd like to suggest that you not feed those thoughts of how horrible you are. that you have choice about that. and that recognizing you're falling into old self-defeating scary patterns is the first step to stop feeding that cycle. and is in itself an awakening.

SoberCAH

I sure hope that your test comes back negative and that you can put this anxiety behind you.

I don't know how your life will unfold, but you have done a remarkable job getting sober at a young age.

Your feelings toward your relative who is pregnant remind me of similar feelings that I harbored for many years when I would see someone whose career achievements eclipsed my own.

Now, I am happy for them, knowing that I am probably where I need to be.

I'm glad you shared those feelings.

FWIW, when I was in my first couple of years of sobriety, my life wasn't where I wanted it to be, but I kept trudging the road of happy destiny, so to speak (I think I've heard that somewhere before), and my life turned out to be a continuing blessing which unfolds everyday.

We all wish you the best with this matter.

And kudos to having the courage to make the decision you have made regarding surgery.

I know a lady in town (in her 80's now) who lost every female close relative to breast cancer, and she had a double radical mastectomy many years ago so she wouldn't be joining the ranks of her deceased mother, aunts, sister(s), etc.

KAD

You're getting some really good advice and support here, so there's not a lot I could add without being redundant. I understand the anxiety and maddening cycle of ruthless self-criticism, wondering if you're just defective as a human being. I can assure you you're not and, as others have pointed out, the very fact you are aware of all these disturbing thoughts and feelings and expressing them in a place where you know people are willing to help is a very encouraging sign. I would be a nervous wreck, too, if I were in your position, so what you are going through is completely understandable. Wishing you the very best.

Bunny211

I had a long talk with my sponsor and my spiritual advisor.
I don't do well around my family ANYWAY. They are VERY dysfunctional. I'm 16 months sober and I cannot be around them very often. I feel bad about that but maybe, at some point in my recovery, I can engage with them more often. Every time I go home I leave with my tail between my legs feeling absolutely freaking worthless and useless. I can't do it anymore. It seems to be getting worse...the further along I get....the less I can tolerate my family. I've decided I will volunteer at a soup kitchen this Thanksgiving and maybe Christmas as well. I went for a walk on my lunch break. I talked to a couple of folks...2 fellow alkies who are sober, and a close friend who has a strong walk with God. I'm messy. Life's messy. It is ok. I don't have to be perfect. I can't be perfect because I am NOT God. I am doing the best that I can with what I have and what I am dealing with and I am willing to continue to grow. Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that I am only 16 months sober...I'm still trying out solid foods. I can relax. Thanks all. XOXOXO

EndGameNYC

If not getting what we want, if not always living the life we imagined we'd live, if feeling badly when we're around other people who seem to have been blessed with the things we'd like for ourselves but that we don't have is selfish or narcissistic, then most everyone on the planet is pathologically selfish with serious narcissistic traits. Why would you not mourn the possibility of not being able to raise your own children? Why would any of us not mourn the possibility of not having in our lives those things that are most important to us, or losing those things that are most meaningful for us? Without mourning, nothing gets accomplished, and only under the best of circumstances does everything remain the same.

I think sometimes that we overreach in our self-assessments about our alcoholic thinking and behavior. In some important ways, this can be healthier than downplaying our distorted thinking and our destructive behaviors. What you're feeling, what you're putting yourself through, only demonstrates that you have a conscience, one that is currently overactive in its harsh judgments about who and what you are. I think it's also important to acknowledge that it would be helpful were you to not frame your health problems as some kind of punishment for the way that you lived your life when you were drinking. There are consequences involved in virtually every thing we do and in some of the ways that we think, but unwanted consequences are no more a punishment than are desired consequences some kind of reward. If this is the way the world worked, then everything in life would be just and fair.

There is a bigger picture or, rather, bigger pictures about life and what it means to be human, pictures that abandon traditional values of "right" and "wrong." None of us is born with an "objective" mind that drives our personalities, or that allows us to view things based on reason and good will alone. No one's heart was ever broken over the Pythagorean Theorem. That we are primarily, or even to a great degree, moved by objectivity and reason is just another fantasy that protects a fragile ego from turning on itself, a fantasy that provokes a great deal of bad faith and dishonesty in what we say and what we do.

I needed to let go of the delusional and irresolvable thinking that told me that I was a bad person because I was not in every instance happy about someone else's success, and not at every moment completely disappointed for them in their failures. Those are only small moments within a larger context, a context in which I don't hold onto those kinds of resentments as being as "real" or enduring as what my overall thinking and behavior tell me who and what I truly am. It's a difficult departure from received and popular wisdom but, for me, it's much closer to the reality that I know. And certainly a much healthier way of being in the world.

I take for granted that I'm not perfect. If I cannot or will not do this, then nothing at all of any personal significance will happen in my life. Or, at the very least, I will be unable to fully appreciate my experiences and my accomplishments. So I also accept that to attempt to make myself perfect is an expedition that will only end in painful failure, perhaps even lasting misery. I hurt when I fail at getting the things I want, and I'm not always gracious in my thinking when I see other people who want things that are similar to what I want and are able to bring those things into their lives. Again, this is, or, with work, becomes only a temporary situation and a glimpse, not into my selfishness as an individual, but one that refers to the human condition generally. If I allow myself to get stuck in those moments to the extent that they overcome other parts of my basic humanity and determine my way of being in the world, then the destruction only occurs within myself.

Consciousness itself is not exclusively a means to understanding things in the world, but a means for self-reflection that, when things go well, is neither overly punitive nor decidedly gratuitous. We need to separate the wheat from the chaff. And this is where it can become, and is for so many people, a burden. People who decline to look within themselves in order to avoid bringing up "bad things that are better left alone" live in bad faith, a way of lying to ourselves so as not to upset an apple cart that, though it appears to be on stable ground, is extremely fragile, ready to collapse at the slightest provocation, in seemingly small ways in our everyday lives and, ultimately, resulting in a personal state of being that is empty even of emptiness . "The unexamined life is not worth living."

It is possible to rework our way of thinking, our way of being in the world. It takes a lot of work, and it doesn't come cheaply. For me, there was no other way in terms of getting sober, building a better life, and living in my own skin.

Gilmer

Volunteering at the soup kitchen at the holidays is a great idea. It will bring you joy to make people smile.

From the way you describe it, you would definitely be much better off to distance yourself from your family.

FBL

Bunny, I've found that practicing daily gratitude has helped me tremendously. I post every single day on the SR morning gratitude thread.

You're still young yet. You never know what the rest of your life has in store. One thing I do know, your future will be a lot better sober

Anna

Bunny, you are doing just fine. Like you, I had to distance myself more and more from my family in early recovery. I couldn't be around them very often. We didn't live in the same city so I mainly had to deal with phone calls and I simply didn't answer or return calls more than once every 2 weeks and I never offered any information about what I was doing. Those things helped me a lot.

I don't think your thoughts about your sister-in-law were 'alcoholic'. I think they were human thoughts. As you begin to get a bit older you start to realize that you won't be able to do all the things you wanted to. That's okay, that's life.

REsoberALITY

Prayers for you this evening........ Recovery, health, a little understanding and peace no matter the outcome of your tests. . Amen

tomsteve

youre NOT a bad woman, bunny.
bad people wouldn't feel like you do for whats happening. they just wouldn't give a crap about how they act or think.

youre just a sick woman. and you have been working on the solutions very hard.
the hard news is the solutions happen in Gods time. and as ya said, yer not God.
bummer,eh?

but iffen ya think about it, would ya want to be God?

we're spiritual beings having a human experience.

tomsteve

another thought:
will it be an absolute necessity to have the mastectomy and ovaries removed or is that just a suggestion?