stilnomen

I'm in my mid-30s now, but I've always felt this way. I know where it comes from - my dad sober was wonderful and drunk was mean and violent. I watched alcohol turn him into a monster every night.

My dad is the only person in my entire life that ever hurt me after drinking and yet I can't separate that from other people. It's like, I sit and watch them drink and just feel the anxiety soaring. It's like sitting there literally waiting for the room to explode. I'm on high alert, listening for any chance in voice decimal or slur or stumble. The adrenaline just kicks in and I'm on high-alert. It doesn't matter if they're even having no more than a glass, if they're smaller than me, or old and enfeeble.

It's no way to live. Mostly I've just avoided social outings, but that's no way to live, either. I've started therapy, and trying move past this and start to have a healthier, more fulfilling social life.

I don't drink myself, for the same reason, just see alcohol and this poison that turns people into monsters. So, maybe I don't "get it". I understand that I have a very limited experience. Other people tell me they're still themselves no matter how much they drink. But, with my dad, I know it was different, he was a different person. So I wait for that to happen to others. Maybe it's a matter of learning to trust others, to know I can feel safe around others. But I'm not sure how to do that.