I felt, day in, day out, like you described, and alcohol, in spite of all of its negative consequences, seemed like the only thing that could give me peace of mind.
The problem was, though, that I was a very sick young man.
I thought that alcohol was the solution and not something which brought my mental health circumstances to an entirely new level of insanity.
I finally sought help and haven't had a drink since, and it's been a while.
It's also been a wonderful life.
Please seek professional help for your problems and live the life you were meant to enjoy.
And stick around here and let us know how you are doing.
Your words resonated deeply with me, and I suspect that I'm not the only person on this thread who shared that connection.